It's true, I went on vacation. While I did enjoy eating those honeyish buttery rolls at O'Charleys Monday night, I did miss The Bachelorette. Thankfully, I'm back with midweek insight on the show that the rest of America saw on Monday.
Just in case we forgot who DeAnna Pappas is and how badly she got her heart broken (and America's too, don't forget), ABC reminds us: "America watched as DeAnna Pappas fell in love with Brad Womack... AND THEN HE BROKE HER HEART." One new insight I have from this scene is how great DeAnna's pink lipstick is--love it!
But DeAnna's back, and tonight (or Monday night, if you're counting) the guys bunk!, limos!, virgins!, and SINGING!!
Chris "Hey Dudes!" Harrison sets down the basic ground rules, announcing to what seems like the surprise of the men that they might be sent home. Somebody should have filled them in. They all look so disappointed.
The three first impression roses (Jeremy, Richard and Jesse) get to move in with DeAnna. Ron is SHOCKED by how much first impressions matter. Again, someone should have filled him in.
DeAnna tells us that living with three guys will be very intimate. And just to remind us that ABC and The Bachelorette are worthy of our time, she tells us that she does believe that this is the best way to find love. Meanwhile, the other 12 men find their bunk beds. Paul demonstrates what gyrating on the top bunks will look like, and Twigs laughs about "shrinkage," and then proceeds to scratch himself.
Do You Believe in Magic? Date, or The Creepy Castle That Had Something to do with Cards and Pianos
DeAnna leads the boys to their own private magic room. The magician mispronounces DeAnna's name, and we all giggle. The magician makes Jason and DeAnna disappear to scattered applause. Everyone is confused. Especially Ryan.
Jason says he is very lucky to get this creepy one-on-one time. DeAnna and Jason bond over music, food and other boring subjects while I think this whole scene is very Wizard of Oz-ish. I just want to yell to the other bachelors to look behind the curtain!
Jason and DeAnna return before Jason can open up about his son. Ryan worries about what sinful things happened behind that curtain.
Sean and DeAnna get some alone time together, but a magic piano mocks Sean's attempts at conversations. Sean's brow gets so sweaty it reflects lights. A few guys try to impress guys with magic tricks, Twigs puts on a play that apparently never ended. That more or less ended the showtime.
Richard tells us he was surprised he got invited to the house--he must have missed that the men who got first impression roses got invited to her mansion. He subsequent makes her a paper rose, which is pretty sweet.
Twigs and the other men argue about his intentions. Ryan especially digs into him, and I'm glad I never have to have an argument with this football player.
Ryan subsequently tells DeAnna he sets himself apart by not speeding, not cursing, and more or less just being more perfect than she could ever be. She says she will corrupt him.
Paul and Fred, who I cannot tell apart, pull DeAnna aside. Paul tells DeAnna that despite the fact he's 23, he's ready to get married. He's so ready, in fact, that he already has been engaged. Paul continues to say that there is no price to love while he gives DeAnna a big hug. Fred pulls heavily from his rum and Coke and tries to look away. No big surprise that Paul gets the rose.
Back at the couch house the next morning, Paul gets naked for all the other men. That's about it.
One-on-One Date with Graham at the Beach
DeAnna says that Graham is smoking hot. They hold hands and stroll down the shoreline. Some producers thought that either DeAnna or Graham would know how to fly a kit. Unfortunately, neither do.
They move onto better things, like juicy details about Graham's past. Graham says he'd never been in love until his last relationship. DeAnna is scared by this and says she knows what she wants and that she doesn't want to be left crying again.
Conversation starts to dwindle and DeAnna warns Graham to either feel it or get out. Graham responds that love is special when it should be cultivated. I wonder whether the word "cultivated" has ever hit primetime ABC before.
Back at the house, the guys talk sex. I wish Sue Johanson would stop by. Ryan reminds us that he planned on being different from everyone else in his life, and he is a virgin. There are some mumblings of "dude!" but the men move on.
Meanwhile, Graham and DeAnna perfect roasing marshmallows and have some more heavy talk about love. DeAnna offers Graham his rose and pins it to his North Face fleece, and all is well in the world.
Twigs and Jason have a bro heart-to-heart about whether or not Twigs should stalk up to the mansion and jump out at DeAnna. Graham and DeAnna have a nice goodbye where he pecks her on the cheek. No sooner does DeAnna start toward the house than Twigs bolts out of the bushes at her and confesses who he is in five minutes... kind of. This goes about as well as everyone expected.
Graham returns to the coach house where he kisses and tells, Brian--that silver fox from Texas--gets jealous, and Graham drinks out of three cups at once?
A Diamond is a Girl's Best Friend: Baseball date!
- Top Chef Robert
The lady and the men head out to Dodgers Stadium, which is exciting enough, but DeAnna has one more surprise "for y'all!" It's Tommy Lasorda!? Brian explains to me who he is. Tommy gives the men a good talk, accompanied by the soundtrack from Field of Dreams, which culminates in everyone shouting, "I BELIEVE!"
Chris delivers a rendition of the National Anthem that we've been promised is "the most embarassing moment." Not in Bachelorette history. Not in TV history. Just ever. The most embarassing moment ever. That's too bad for Chris.
The men hit "home runs" to compete for DeAnna's one-on-one time. The "home runs" land somewhere in mid-field. Jeremy hits 6 home runs, while Chris a former minor leaguer, strikes out. Chris is having a really rough time today at Dodgers Stadium.
Jeremy and DeAnna get their one-on-one time in the dugout. Jeremy reveals that both of his parents have passed away and talks about what his parents meant to him. DeAnna appreciates his honesty and relates with him on the subject. America gets choked up.
Everyone eats hot dogs and drinks wine. Eric talks a lot about being Greek. Brian tell us he has only just now "figured himself out" and because of that he doesn't have a lot of experience with the ladies.
Back at the house, Jason decides to reveal to four of the men that he has a son. I'm still not sure I understand why he told these guys before DeAnna.
Tommy tells DeAnna to read faces, look in a crystal ball, and jump around the bases four times while rubbing the chalk lines on her face, and then (and only then!) will she know who to choose for the rose. He slaps her on the butt, spits out some tobacco juice and sends her on her way. Good talk, Tommy!
DeAnna takes Jeremy aside for some one-on-one time. ABC devilishly airs the alone time on the Jumbotron, fueling a fire of hate against Jeremy. Jesse hurls a baseball bat. Chris pouts about how his minor league experience should have gotten him a rose. ABC later puts on fireworks for the whole crew.
Coming up next, Everyone hates Jeremy! (It's just like "Everbody hates Robin" all over again.)
Everyone does hate Jeremy. He has a second rose and has already started decorating the guest bath in DeAnna's mansion. Some of the men turn on DeAnna, demanding to know why she gave a second rose to Jeremy. She tells them to stop whining.
Twigs is afraid that DeAnna doesn't have "a case of the Twillies going on." Twigs tries to redeem his coup on her. Jeremy cuts in on Twigs, stealing DeAnna away.
Ron is mad with Jeremy and rats out his bro for stealing DeAnna from Twigs. Dude be catty.
Jeremy reveals the special foreign language secret he told DeAnna when he first met her: "I came here to meet you, especially for you." Of course, they make out.
As Jeremy returns to the party, he has (as Jesse says) "haters." Top Chef suggests that Jeremy isn't real to the camera, Ron pisses and moans some more. Meanwhile Ryan "I never swear or speed or do anything bad" calls Jeremy a BEEEEEEEP, which is a word I can't quite discern but I'm guessing is one of those "curses" that he doesn't say.
Push up competition! Twigs has twigs for arms. Jesse wins, despite his poor form. At one-on-one time, Jesse describes how he wants to be like "Uncle Jesse" from Full House. He wants to make PB&Js and be the cool family member.
Chris "Jesse, You Don't Have to Stand Up For Me" Harrison comes in to cut the party short. It's Rose Ceremony time.
- Top Chef
Eric says he brings a lot to the table--mainly Greek food.
Chris is pissed that DeAnna doesn't have it all figured out.
Ryan says he's one of the most honest and most genuine persons she'll ever meet. He was voted friendliest eighth grader and exits with: "That's a joke."
DeAnna takes a moment to herself before returning to the rest of her men.
Next week, confrontations!, injuries!, confessions!, and most importantly, COWBOY HATS!