Matt's in London, and he's chucked to be back home. Chucked? What?
[EDIT: "Chuffed," not chucked. A British term for thrilled. Thanks, Anonymous!]
Chelsea in London
Matt and all of ABC has planned for them to go on the London Eye. This has not been a straightforward journey. That's one way to put it. Chelsea tells us that she's excited to be here in her sorority poof hair style.
Brother Simon opens the door: "Hello, Mate!" British English to American English translation: Hi there, brother. Can I have your leftovers?
We meet the rest of Matt's family: mum Trish and father Tony. They're British and they're loaded cause holy cow, what are all those paintings on the wall?
The Grant Family Quiz Show:
Mum: What's the best part of this process?
Chelsea: Matt's light and serious.
Brother Simon: Translate this word: WELLIES.
Chelsea: Rain boots. (Somebody studied on the plane ride over.)
Brother Simon tells us that he's quite taken with Chelsea. She's charming and beautiful, and if Matt doesn't want her, he'll take her.
Mum: What are the most important qualities in your future husband?
Chelsea: A sense of humor--the ability to laugh at yourself and person you're with.
Um, ha? ha? ha?
Chelsea's teeth look very white. Maybe this is the American Teeth vs. British Teeth thing. Or maybe it's just because Shayne and her caps aren't around.
Mum is worried that Chelsea might not be genuine. She's right. It's difficult to tell what's real and what's not when ABC comes rollin' in your London pad. It's kind of like going through the rabbit hole, but with lots of product placement.
Chelsea tells Mum that it's hard to be vulnerable but that she's falling in love, and Mum--predictably--asks if Chelsea is guarding herself. Chelsea says she tries not to, but that she has. Yawn.
After speaking with Chelsea, Mum determines that she's open and honest. Mum appreciated Chelsea "bearing her soul" to her. Obviously, some things must have happened in that little kitchen chat that didn't make it to the final cut.
"How would you think she would cope with our mad family?" Mum asks Matty-dear.
"She's got a mad part too," says Matt.
Translation? Crazy? I'm confused.
Matt says he's starting to piece Chelsea together.
"I adore you, Honey," says Matt. "You know, I'm just so pleased today went so well."
"I'll see you soon, Baby," says Chelsea.
Baby? Honey! What?! Cutie pie names! No Monkey though.
Shayne in London
"Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!" squeals Shayne. Shayne's wearing her British-themed coat to fit in with the locals. When in Rome... "It's beautiiiiiiiiful heeeeeeere, Maaaaatttttt!!"
They take a traditional double-decker bus to Matt's pad. "Look at those guys!!" Shayne points at the London guard. "Don't they get BORED just standing there?" Yawn. Isn't Matt tired of Shayne pretending to be a dumb blond?
"It's just like a movie!" Shayne squeals. Okay, bingo--Shayne WOULD fit right in!
Shayne tell us that she's nervous and is shaking in her boots. Her London-themed boots. She has another dozen boots back in the hotel to match other European cities. Her Madrid boots. Her Paris boots. Her muddy Dutch countryside boots. She's prepared.
Brother Simon answers the door again. "When I first saw Shayne, I thought, wow," he tell us. Yeah, me too, Brother Simon.
"How old are you?" asks Father.
"I'm 12," quips Shayne. (I'm impressed.) "I'm 22. Been on my own since 17." She leaves out the part about her broken family, sparing the Brits her Hollywood sob story.
Shayne reveals she wasn't good at acting. Big shocker. It was a challenge for her and she moved onward and upward. Huzzah!
Shayne asks Brother Simon what his first opinion was of her, and Simon says that Shayne has impressed him and proved his first impression wrong.
Brother Simon has been converted: I think Shayne is genuine.
Mum throws the same question at Shayne as she did at Chelsea. "What are you looking for in a husband?"
Shayne: "I would tell him that this isn't a fairy tale, but you're the person that I'm willing to go through anything with." Thoughtful pause. "I grew up in a broken family." Aghhh, I knew it was coming!
Shayne leaves, and the Grants begin their breakdown of the two girls.
Most at ease? Shayne.
Most passion? Chelsea.
More genuine? Shayne.
Brother Simon's choice? Chelsea.
Father's choice? Shayne.
Mum's choice? "The final decision is yours, Matt." Spoken like a true mom.
Chelsea in Barbados
Matt blindfolds Chelsea and reveals a helicopter. Chelsea screams and squeals a lot.
Helicopter montage. Lots more screaming and squealing--this time with pointing too.
The helicopter arrives on their private beach. Chelsea says they fit well together on the beach.
HILTON HOTEL! HILTON HOTEL! HILTON HOTEL!
"Tonight is my last night to let Matt know how I feel about him," says Chelsea. Chelsea has another surprise--a gift for him. Matt's California Survival Guide. Cereal for breakfast in bed. Surf wax. Map.
Really? That's it? I mean, I understand the sweetness of this gift. But this is your last chance to make a loving impression on this guy, and if you're going to put yourself out there, put yourself out there. And you don't even have to put on lingerie to do it. Apparently, nothing says love like surf wax and directions.
Chelsea says that she's been like a brochure. She has to unfold to reveal the real her. Metaphors! Nice!
"I'm falling in love with you, but I don't feel like you can fall in love with someone unless the other person has the capacity for love too," says Chelsea.
"I'm falling in love with you too, you know that," says Matt. He sounds exasperated. Me too.
"Without doubt, I'm falling in love with Chelsea. She's everything I've ever wanted. She's incredible. I hope we can get through this together." says Matt.
Shayne in Barbados.
Attack of the Hollywood blond! Shayne comes screaming in from behind Matt.
Matt explains that Shayne is a monkey because of the way she cuddles with him. I vomit in my mouth.
Shayne and Matt go parasailing. Shayne says that while she was parasailing, she was an angel up in the clouds, floating and loving Matt.
HILTON HOTEL! HILTON HOTEL! HILTON HOTEL!!!!
Shayne says that she has a present, then squeals and breaks my television set.
Shayne took a photo of herself lying in the sand, having written I LOVE YOU. Good move, Shayne. This is the kind of last night gift that gets you places.
"Matt, it says I love you!" says Shayne, proving that she both wrote the sentence in the sand AND she can read it back. Literacy rules!
"Without a doubt, I'm falling in love with you," says Matt.
"You are the most warm, kindest, most genuine person I've ever met," says Matt.
"Did you like my present?" whimpers Shayne.
"I liked it," whispers Matt.
Did Shayne write the script for this one?
Final Rose Ceremony
Matt has never been this nervous or apprehensive. He never thought he would fall in love with two women. But he chooses a ring anyway.
Chris "Pseudo Daddy" Harrison escorts her halfway.
Matt tells Chelsea she owns some amazing dresses. DANGER! DANGER!
We've shared some amazing times. DANGER! DANGER!
When I am thinking about my lifetime partner, DANGER! DANGER! DANGER! I cannot give you what you need.
Chelsea holds herself together relatively well. "I've never had any regrets through this. Just because it took me longer doesn't mean it's real or not. I've meant everything I said. I guess it was too late."
Matt tells Chelsea she's amazing and wishes her the best.
On the walk back to the limo, anger overtakes Chelsea. "To me, she was the falsest person here," snaps Chelsea.
"You know what?" Matt sounds testy. "She isn't. The individual I know is different from the individual you know. If you ever think for one second that I'm the kind of person who ends up with the falsest person here, then you don't know me."
The cold walk continues until Matt, probably thinking about last words and wanting to leave on good terms says, "I think you do know me though. I'm going to miss you so much."
Chelsea tells us it's the hardest thing to admit to yourself how much you love someone. Chelsea thinks she was too honest, that she doesn't know what happened, and that Matt is a fool.
Matt tells us he's found someone he can spend the rest of his life with lots of love and lots of affection. Shayne's the warmest, most genuine person, he tells us.
Shayne pulls up in her limo.
Chris "I'm Still Your Poppa" Harrison takes Shayne's arm and leads her halfway while Shayne looks like she might spew monkey all over her bright sunshiney baby doll dress.
"I knew as soon as I first saw you--I saw this million dollar smile--and these big brown eyes," says Matt. "I told myself: Matt, this is too good to be true."
"There's been laughter. There's been fun. There's been monkey." Ughhh... this couple is making me hate primates.
"But I've come here not just for six weeks, but I've come here to find someone for life. And I know when I look in those beautiful brown eyes, that you'll always be there for me. And I hope you know that I'll always be there for you. I don't have much more to say."
Matt gets on one knee, and Shayne takes her cue.
SHAYNE [weakly, as if surprised]: Matt!!!
[SHAYNE BATS EYELASHES.]
SHAYNE [once more for emphasis]: Matt!!
[SHAYNE SWAYS AS IF GOING TO FAINT]
MATT: Shayne, I love you.
SHAYNE [still weakly]: I love you.
MATT [with conviction]: Monkey? Will you marry me?
SHAYNE [louder, as if hearing her baby name "Monkey" has given her strength]: Oh my gosh, yes! Matt, I love you! Matt!
[KISSES AND LAUGHTER AND MONKEYS.]
SHAYNE [a little too well-rehearsed]: I will marry you on one condition, that you never look at another woman for the rest of our lives because you have looked at way too many during our relationship.
Shayne and Matt Monkey Montage! (Edited out of this video compilation is the time after the final rose ceremony where Shayne made Matt get that Hotty McHotPants haircut.) One final shot of the happy couple, kissing in the sunset and staying forever in love... until the contract runs up.
Accommodations Provided By... Hilton Hotel Barbados.
Monday, May 12, 2008
Matt's in London, and he's chucked to be back home. Chucked? What?