This evening, I am joined again by John, who is is riddled with a mind-boggling fever. It's OK. Cause it's like Island Fever. Barbados island fever!
3 dates. 3 girls. Let's go.
Date with Shayne
Cue: Dramatic Bachelor music. Matt takes an introspective walk along the beach, deep in thought as the waves crash against the sand, sun glinting off Matt's sandy-colored hair and wind rippling his polo shirt against his broad chest. Oh, um, and he reflects on Shayne.
Enter: A frolicking, floppy-hatted Shayne frolicking through the surf and sun, floppy hat flopping. "What a mess!" says John. Matt and Shayne ride some Sea-Doos. "Is she old enough to operate one of those?"
Shayne and Matt also get a gigantic water trampoline. Matt focuses on Shayne's splits in the air while I focus on how cute that bathing suit is.
"Do they have palm treeeeees in London?" Shayne whines.
Shayne really knows how to play the ditz card. Matt thinks so too: "I want to know more about Serious Shayne." Um, good luck.
At dinner, Matt and Shayne discuss her life as a serious actor. "Do you understand that kissing someone on screen is ANYTHING but romantic?" Shayne is clearly exasperated. How many times does she have to explain how UNCOOL it is to be FAMOUS and an ACTOR and everything in her life is SO NOT a big deal. GOSH.
Acting Lesson From Shayne Lamas: To kiss while acting, don't use tongue. Instead, make a fish face and open and shut your mouth. You're welcome.
Shayne admits to Matt that she's blonde and she plays the role, but that if you know her, you know her. LIKE, YOU KNOW HER. Shayne says she is "intellectual," then asks if that was the right word. (It's not.) Matt asks Shayne if she really knows that there aren't palm trees in London. She says she does know that. Yawn.
Shayne needs to know that Matt looks at her that he really sees someone he can be with.When he assures her of that, she says that she is falling in love with him. After a moment pregnant with suspense, Matt says the fact that he is so happy that she feels that way and that he loves... wait for it... wait for it... spending time with her. Ouch.
Shayne reads the Fantasy Date Card outloud, proving to America her literacy. I cannot wait to see Shayne in upcoming Endless Bummer, in which she reads her lines like an eight-year-old asked to read a chapter aloud in class.
Matt and Shayne "get sexy," as ABC promised.
Date with Amanda
Matt has been drawn to Amanda since the start, and Amanda tells us that Matt is what she has been waiting for. Yaaaaawn.
Zip-lining! Both Matt and Amanda have a fear of heights, so this is a train wreck waiting to happen. "MEEP!!"
Amanda says she feels woozy around Matt. MEEP! WOOZY! I feel woozy whenever the two of them are together too.
Amanda tells Matt that she has a hard time opening up to Matt and that she likes him more than past boyfriends. They haven't even passed notes yet or anything, but she's that sure. Matt says that he can understand why she is slower to open up if this is the first time she's feeling something like this.
At this point, Amanda should have just stopped talking. She should have just started kissing Matt. But she doesn't. "I've never wanted to be with somebody so bad." (Zzzzz, says John.)
Matt shuts her up with kissing and then presenting her with the Fantasy Suite Card. Amanda is so excited to get the Fantasy Suite card because she wasn't sure whether he'd give her it. Really? Has she looked in the mirror lately? What is this girl worried about?
Amanda feels that she and Matt had a break-through. John's not so sure.
Date with Chelsea
Matt wants the chemistry to be right there right away. Let's see how that goes!
Chelsea: Look at the island! It's small! I heard that it's small. Did you hear that? Isn't the weather nice? This island is nice. It's also small.
Matt: I hate to use the A-word, but it was awkward.
Chelsea: Eww! Hand holding!! Yuuuuuck!
Matt: This is the worst date.
To try to salvage the date, ABC brings in some sea turtles. Sea Turtles to the Rescue! Or not.
Matt is mad because Chelsea won't come close to him. "The turtle was closer to me physically than Chelsea. I had better eye contact with a turtle underwater than with Chelsea. I was gutted." Gutted! Like turtle soup. Mmm... turtle soup.
Poor Chelsea. Honestly, though, what an awful way to try to be romantic. Snorkeling? Maybe Chelsea was having a hard enough time breathing through that tube.
At dinner, Matt tells us that if she isn't feeling it, he doesn't want her to pretend.
Matt: I'm confused about us.
Chelsea: Shoves some food in her mouth.
Matt: If there was a Bachelor for best friend, you would have won.
Yikes! Chelsea tells Matt that she is uncomfortable that there are other girls here, and she has been worried about getting hurt. Matt presents the Fantasy Suite card. Chelsea accepts. (Thank God.) And like the good girl she is, Chelsea comes in with the last minute game-saving play... in a very racy way.
After telling Matt she has a surprise, Chelsea is followed by the whole ABC camera crew into the bedroom where she gets all Demi Moore on us, bare-backed and undie-less. Um, somebody call Stacey from Chicago back. This was supposed to be HER moment!!
Chelsea emerges from the bedroom in a long, sexy black nightdress. At this moment, Matt realizes that Chelsea DOES have a romantic side. Bingo.
Everyone looks a little sweaty. Matt tells us that today he is losing someone who he cares very deeply about.
But Meeps gets angry and stands up for herself. I'm shocked, says Amanda. Matt tells Amanda that she has everything he wants, but he had a stronger attraction to the other girls. Amanda tells him that she's a ***** bastard, and Matt tells her that it's a harsh reality and he's sorry he let her down. Meeps holds in the tears until she's in the car, telling us she really thought they were going to get married.
Next week, the Bachelorettes Tell All!
And in two weeks, everyone goes to London. Meet the parents! And don't worry, folks. At every commercial break, ABC promises "the most romantic finale in Bachelor history." No Brad Womack repeats here.