Monday, March 31, 2008

Blogging The Bachelor: London Calling

Tonight, I have a special guest for male insight into The Bachelor--my boyfriend. Welcome, John, to The Bachelor.

For this evening, we have one group date and two one-on-one dates. First up, one-on-one with Holly--America's favorite children's book writer.

One-on-One Date with Holly
Matt: "Hot date! Hot girl!"

For their one-on-one date, Holly and Matt are going to (marketing drum roll, please!) a private screening of Made of Honor! Starring Patrick Dempsey! Opening nationwide this Friday!

Matt and Holly step out onto the red carpet. One large wide shot reveals that this truly is a private screening. A thin group of "paparazzi" (read: tourists who ABC producers paid to hold up cameras and snap photos while yelling 'Holly!' 'Matt!') gather around the couple.

'I am your perfect girl!' Holly cries as she and Matt press their hands into cement, hearts, initials and all. They enter the theater. Cue: Scenes from Made of Honor! Mute the television and hide your eyes if you don't want the thrilling conclusion of this flick ruined.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Hollwood, an ABC production assistant drives across town with the sole mission to dump that big chunk of cement at the door stop of the girls' house. Shrieks of anger ensue.

Back in Made of Honor-wood, Matt and Holly leave the "screening" and head over to the Roosevelt Hotel's rooftop. After a couple drinks and some children's book talk (is that Matt stifling a yawn?), Matt tells Holly he's not so sure there's electricity between the two of them. They're tooooo comfortable.

Electricity, huh? The kind of mind-numbing electricity Shayne gives off, apparently. More on that later.

No worries, Holly. It takes all of one makeout session to assuage Matt's about being too close. Holly gets the rose.

Group Date -- Rugby and Booze
Matching outfits! Girls rolling in dirt! Short-shorts!
Matt: "People would pay money to see this!"
John: *Shifts uncomfortably in seat.*

Meanwhile, back at the house, Shayne discovers Holly's dirty little secret--a tan sprayer.
Cue: Shots of Shayne with a top on (but no bottoms?), getting sprayed with self-tanner by Holly.

Matt: *Wishing he saw there for this*
John: "I'm not going to say anything incriminating right now."

Back in Rugbyville, known in England as Football Land, the going gets tough, and the tough are not Marshana. A busted lip sends her to the sideline while Matt comforts her: "Wassup, honey? Are you hurt?"After this invigorating game of rugby, Matt takes the girl to his "pad" for a party and massages.

Here, our bachelorettes pretend like Matt owns this piece of property and compliment him profusely for his ABC-sponsored home.


I have to insert that I can no longer ignore how much Matt looks like hell. Some producer should have told him to shower before this interview. Matt looks like he has been rolling around in Erin's hot dog vendor machine.

Matt chooses Kelli for one-on-one time...with two masseuses. Kelli won't have that, so she asks the ladies to step aside so she can adequately straddle the Bach and get rubbin'. I'm left wondering once again if Kelli is always drunk. John thinks she's smoked every day of her life for twice as long as she's lived. I still think she's just drunk.

Back to the party!

Red cups! The girls are holding RED CUPS. Is this a KEGGER? What ABC assistant dropped the ball here? This ABC assistant is paying for their mistake with their first born.

Rose time! This rose goes to Robin. There is some disagreement about this--Chelsea thinks she should have gotten the rose. So does Kelli. Kelli also thinks that if she were a dude, she wouldn't pick Robin. Kelli also thinks that Kelli is number one. John thinks Kelli should go to rehab.

One-on-One Date with Shaaaaayne
Matt: "Hot date! Hot girl! Hot car!"

They're on their way to the wine country!

Hellooooo, boots! Shayne has a special taste in shoes that is beyond me, but I think I enjoy watching Shayne navigate that stone path in those heels as much as she loves the heels themselves.

Let's find out some more about Shayne Lamas.

Shayne's dad isn't at all important, ok? Like, Lorenzo Lamas is so not a big deal. He's not important. Just check out his IMDB page. See? Not important. Well, maaaybe he's kind of important in the U.S., but their Hollywood lives are not important, ok? Gosh. Why doesn't Matt just LAY OFF?

Also, Shayne had a broken childhood because of a divorce and left home at 17.

She's mature for 22 (maybe), but not really ready for marriage. Matt says that he is. He also says he's leaving room for Shayne to "surprise him" in case there's "more to her" than meets the eye. Riiiight.

Drink drink drink.

Shayne admits that she is high-maintenance. This is by far the most honest moment Shayne has had yet. For the first time yet, she isn't squinting to try to look deep or concerned, she isn't acting. She does, however, have a whole suitcase of shoes with her at the house. (And yet she decided to wear these off-white monstrosities tonight.)

Great Matt moment: "Sometimes I think Shayne's one sandwich short of a picnic. Other times, I think she's the greatest thing since sliced bread."

Shayne and Matt sprawl on the fur rug in front of the fire (J: Isn't this from a 98 Degrees video? Yes, yes it is.)

Matt: You know there is a rose tonight?
Shayne: Oh, there is? I didn’t even think of that.
Matt: You’re brilliant, really.
(J: She is?)
M: You have the most beautiful eyes!
S squints and makes that deep face.
S: Roses are my favorite flowers!!
J: Ugh!

Shayne has rose.

Party at the House
Chelsea has one-on-one time with Matt and plants a big wet one on Matt. Matt says that Chelsea is a good kisser. John says that Chelsea is trying really hard.

Noelle cries a lot because she feels like she is one of the only real people. Robin explains to her that this is a competition, that she needs to buck up, and just watch this.

Robin then sets an example by pulling Matt away from his one-on-one time with Kelli.

Not to be outdone, Kelli, Amy, and Shayne interrupt Robin to pull her away and set things straight. Even Matt agrees: "Robin, you have a rose."

As the girls back in the house--particularly Marshana--sharpen their nails for Robin's return to the kitchen, I realize that Robin is only 22. This cat is a kitten.

While all the other girls in the house scream at Robin, Kristine escapes to finally talk to Matt. I feel really bad for Kristine, who has gone overlooked through this whole debacle.

Holly pulls aside Matt with tears in her eyes. She’s afraid that it was a mistake she had the first one-on-one date. Her feelings have developed much faster than she expected.

Dun dun dun! Enter Chris "I invented love" Harrison to pull Matt away.

Rose Ceremony

Amy (who?)

Next week: "Everybody hates Robin!" Can't wait!

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