Live Blogging: The Bachelor London Calling, episode 4

Welcome, remaining 9 bachelorettes and America. London is calling.

Chris Harrison arrives to tell us that things are about to get ruh-eeeel! This week, one group date, one 1-on-1 date, and one 2-on-1 date that will send one girl home.



Group Date: Wimbledon in L.A. and High Tea!
The Ladies:

• Kelly
• Chelsea
• Shayne
• Ashlee
• Noelle
• Robin

Just like last week's stereotypical English football game with rugby shirts and hot pants, this week's stereotypical tennis match features tight white tennis outfits and pink rackets!

"I know what high tea is!" says Robin.
"I don't!" says Shayne.
"I can't believe we're having high tea," says Matt. "I don't exactly do that on a regular basis, but okay."

It's tennis time. Shayne thinks her skirt is really big. Kelly may actually be sober while playing tennis. Matt tells us that he cannot control himself around Chelsea today.

Chelsea and Shayne have a gymanstics competition. Robin thinks that this is a scream for attention. She would NEVER sink to this behavior!

Ashlee, who still looks 12, gets some one-on-one time with Matt. Ashlee is wearing a couple small animals on her fat furry coat.

Matt: You seem to take everything in stride.
Ashlee: Giggle! Yeah-wait, what does that mean?

Matt: "Ashlee starts singing and I just get mesmerized." (Really?) They kiss.

The other girls aren't buying Ashlee's game either. Whiny, baby-voice Shayne thinks she feels like being around Ashlee is like hanging out with a baby.

Cut back to Ashlee and Matt, still kissing, except now Ashlee's furry coat is off! Scandalous!

Now, high tea. Robin and her family love tea. They traveled the whole world to find tea. Robin doesn't stoop to cheap games, remember. Does anyone want more jam?

Robin pulls Matt away from the girls. Robin says that she's fallen pretty hard for Matt, and Matt says he appreciates that.

Shayne calls Robin out on hogging Matt. Robin cries because she has no girl friends.

Back at the house, Marshana, Amanda, and Holly receive the one-on-one date for Amanda, which means Marshana and Holly will be on the 2-on-1 date.

Matt gives Chelsea the rose for playing great, looking great and charming the English gentleman. Ashlee thinks that sucks! Does what they have mean nothing?? Robin is surprised too! "A rose is a rose," she says, looking only slightly crazed look.

1-on-1 Date with Amanda: 50's Themed!

Amanda wants to be the hot girl on this date and to show Matt her wild side.

Matt has a cute moment where he freaks out about how awesome the ABC-rented car is. They're on their way to a diner.

Amanda shows off how much she knows about cars, and Matt thinks Amanda is the all-American girl.

After chocolate shakes and burgers, Matt asks Amanda to show him some dance moves, and Amanda tries her best.

Back at the house, Marshana and Holly discover that they will be cooking on their date. Robin and Marshana--arguably the two women who are most on edge 24/7--have it out. Marshana breaks down on-camera about how much she loves Matt and then throws some cutlery down as a sign of her anger.

Matt offers Amanda a rose, they kiss, and I discover that Amanda is from Niceville, Florida, which I think is awesome.

ABC can't get in their ferris wheel car, but their cameramen do manage to capture the romantic moment from a different ferris wheel car.


2-on-1 Date: Marshana, Holly, and Some Food

Marshana and Holly are going on their 2-on-1 date. Holly truly believes that something special is happening between her and Matt. Marshana thinks that she and Matt need more time to get to know him. Marshana also thinks that wearing this chef hat will give her an edge.

Their "cooking" date turns into just an "eating" date.

Matt wants to know whether they would be willing to move to London. Marshana is willing to move, so is Holly. Big surprise.

"Put me on an island in the middle of nowhere, and I can survive...as long as I'm with you," says Holly.

Marshana looks like she's going to throw up.

Matt takes Marshana off for her one-on-one date. No guts no glory, says Marshana. I'm sorry we haven't kissed yet, says Matt. Really? What an approach!

Matt and Holly end up on Matt's bed, which Robin had previously been eying last episode.

Matt offers the rose to Marshana, telling her that he wants to get to know her better. Matt explains he found conversation difficult with Holly. Holly feels like she put her heart out and that Matt was giving her some response back. I am really feeling for Holly at this moment because it did seem like Matt was, uh, reciprocating on the bed.

Final cocktail party: In Which We All Drink and Feel Kind of Down
Everyone is nervous, which means that Amanda is meeping and Kelly is drunk again.

Bachelor walks in, half-hearted SQUUUEEEEAAAAL!

I'm sad, says Matt. Yesterday was tough.

The mood goes from zero to negative 60.

Matt is so serious! says Ashlee. He's here to find a wife! That's seeeeerious!
We can't always rely on looks and music, says Matt.
Giiiiggggggle! says Ashlee.
Ashlee says that she is okay with being away with family and that it's possible for things to work out between them if she is touring.

Matt takes Noelle aside. Matt asks Noelle to "go for it now," and Noelle promises that she has a lot to offer.

During their one-on-one time, Kelly tells Matt, "Thank you for fitting me in." Matt points out that she's physically cutting him out. Matt is in the middle of a conversation with Kelly discussing this behavior when Kelly decides to rip off the front of her dress. Matt looks like he can hardly believe what's happening until Kelly loses her balance and hits her forehead on her knee. This is the kind of behavior that I saw drunk sorority girls in college pull off, and I always felt bad for them now, and I am really feeling bad for Kelly now too.

















Happy to be free of Kelly, Matt finds solace in Shayne who makes baby noises and says she doesn't like shaaaaaaring Matt. Matt somehow finds this attractive and kisses her very softly.

Chris "Love Killer" Harrison arrives to break up this somber party.

Rose Ceremony
"There's a different feel here tonight," says Chris "I know because I killed love" Harrison.

Staying:

• Chelsea
• Amanda
• Marshana
• Shayne
• Robin
• Noelle

Goodbye, Ashlee and Kelly. And of course, goodbye Holly.

Kelly makes one last final impression, "I'd be into me. Any dude would want to date me."

Ashlee wants to find someone who sees more in her than a songwriter. I wrote a song for him, and it's much more powerful ad emotional than any words can say. And here, much to everyone's disbelief, she sings once more. One. Last. Time.

Next week: Marshana falls down the slopes of Sun Valley!

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Blogging The Bachelor: London Calling

Tonight, I have a special guest for male insight into The Bachelor--my boyfriend. Welcome, John, to The Bachelor.

For this evening, we have one group date and two one-on-one dates. First up, one-on-one with Holly--America's favorite children's book writer.

One-on-One Date with Holly
Matt: "Hot date! Hot girl!"

For their one-on-one date, Holly and Matt are going to (marketing drum roll, please!) a private screening of Made of Honor! Starring Patrick Dempsey! Opening nationwide this Friday!

Matt and Holly step out onto the red carpet. One large wide shot reveals that this truly is a private screening. A thin group of "paparazzi" (read: tourists who ABC producers paid to hold up cameras and snap photos while yelling 'Holly!' 'Matt!') gather around the couple.


'I am your perfect girl!' Holly cries as she and Matt press their hands into cement, hearts, initials and all. They enter the theater. Cue: Scenes from Made of Honor! Mute the television and hide your eyes if you don't want the thrilling conclusion of this flick ruined.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Hollwood, an ABC production assistant drives across town with the sole mission to dump that big chunk of cement at the door stop of the girls' house. Shrieks of anger ensue.

Back in Made of Honor-wood, Matt and Holly leave the "screening" and head over to the Roosevelt Hotel's rooftop. After a couple drinks and some children's book talk (is that Matt stifling a yawn?), Matt tells Holly he's not so sure there's electricity between the two of them. They're tooooo comfortable.

Electricity, huh? The kind of mind-numbing electricity Shayne gives off, apparently. More on that later.

No worries, Holly. It takes all of one makeout session to assuage Matt's about being too close. Holly gets the rose.

Group Date -- Rugby and Booze
Matching outfits! Girls rolling in dirt! Short-shorts!
Matt: "People would pay money to see this!"
John: *Shifts uncomfortably in seat.*

Meanwhile, back at the house, Shayne discovers Holly's dirty little secret--a tan sprayer.
SQUEEEEAAAAAL! SELF TANNERS ARE FUUUUNNN!!!
Cue: Shots of Shayne with a top on (but no bottoms?), getting sprayed with self-tanner by Holly.

Matt: *Wishing he saw there for this*
John: "I'm not going to say anything incriminating right now."

Back in Rugbyville, known in England as Football Land, the going gets tough, and the tough are not Marshana. A busted lip sends her to the sideline while Matt comforts her: "Wassup, honey? Are you hurt?"After this invigorating game of rugby, Matt takes the girl to his "pad" for a party and massages.

Here, our bachelorettes pretend like Matt owns this piece of property and compliment him profusely for his ABC-sponsored home.

Matt's bed! SQUUUUEEEEEAAAAL!!!

I have to insert that I can no longer ignore how much Matt looks like hell. Some producer should have told him to shower before this interview. Matt looks like he has been rolling around in Erin's hot dog vendor machine.

Matt chooses Kelli for one-on-one time...with two masseuses. Kelli won't have that, so she asks the ladies to step aside so she can adequately straddle the Bach and get rubbin'. I'm left wondering once again if Kelli is always drunk. John thinks she's smoked every day of her life for twice as long as she's lived. I still think she's just drunk.

Back to the party!

Red cups! The girls are holding RED CUPS. Is this a KEGGER? What ABC assistant dropped the ball here? This ABC assistant is paying for their mistake with their first born.

Rose time! This rose goes to Robin. There is some disagreement about this--Chelsea thinks she should have gotten the rose. So does Kelli. Kelli also thinks that if she were a dude, she wouldn't pick Robin. Kelli also thinks that Kelli is number one. John thinks Kelli should go to rehab.


One-on-One Date with Shaaaaayne
Matt: "Hot date! Hot girl! Hot car!"

They're on their way to the wine country!

Hellooooo, boots! Shayne has a special taste in shoes that is beyond me, but I think I enjoy watching Shayne navigate that stone path in those heels as much as she loves the heels themselves.

Let's find out some more about Shayne Lamas.

Shayne's dad isn't at all important, ok? Like, Lorenzo Lamas is so not a big deal. He's not important. Just check out his IMDB page. See? Not important. Well, maaaybe he's kind of important in the U.S., but their Hollywood lives are not important, ok? Gosh. Why doesn't Matt just LAY OFF?

Also, Shayne had a broken childhood because of a divorce and left home at 17.

She's mature for 22 (maybe), but not really ready for marriage. Matt says that he is. He also says he's leaving room for Shayne to "surprise him" in case there's "more to her" than meets the eye. Riiiight.

Drink drink drink.

Shayne admits that she is high-maintenance. This is by far the most honest moment Shayne has had yet. For the first time yet, she isn't squinting to try to look deep or concerned, she isn't acting. She does, however, have a whole suitcase of shoes with her at the house. (And yet she decided to wear these off-white monstrosities tonight.)

Great Matt moment: "Sometimes I think Shayne's one sandwich short of a picnic. Other times, I think she's the greatest thing since sliced bread."

Shayne and Matt sprawl on the fur rug in front of the fire (J: Isn't this from a 98 Degrees video? Yes, yes it is.)



Matt: You know there is a rose tonight?
Shayne: Oh, there is? I didn’t even think of that.
Matt: You’re brilliant, really.
(J: She is?)
M: You have the most beautiful eyes!
S squints and makes that deep face.
S: Roses are my favorite flowers!!
J: Ugh!

Shayne has rose.

Party at the House
Chelsea has one-on-one time with Matt and plants a big wet one on Matt. Matt says that Chelsea is a good kisser. John says that Chelsea is trying really hard.

Noelle cries a lot because she feels like she is one of the only real people. Robin explains to her that this is a competition, that she needs to buck up, and just watch this.

Robin then sets an example by pulling Matt away from his one-on-one time with Kelli.

Not to be outdone, Kelli, Amy, and Shayne interrupt Robin to pull her away and set things straight. Even Matt agrees: "Robin, you have a rose."

As the girls back in the house--particularly Marshana--sharpen their nails for Robin's return to the kitchen, I realize that Robin is only 22. This cat is a kitten.

While all the other girls in the house scream at Robin, Kristine escapes to finally talk to Matt. I feel really bad for Kristine, who has gone overlooked through this whole debacle.

Holly pulls aside Matt with tears in her eyes. She’s afraid that it was a mistake she had the first one-on-one date. Her feelings have developed much faster than she expected.

Dun dun dun! Enter Chris "I invented love" Harrison to pull Matt away.

Rose Ceremony
Staying:
Shayne
Robin
Holly
Amanda
Ashlee
Kelli
Chelsea
Noelle
Marshana

Going:
Amy (who?)
Kristine
Erin

Next week: "Everybody hates Robin!" Can't wait!

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Live-Blogging The Bachelor: London Calling, Episode 2

Viva Las Vegas! Girls with their tops off! Crying! But first, let's get down to business with our first date.

9:02 PM, CDT: Ashlee, Kristine, Marshana, Noelle, Michelle, Amanda, Erin H. and Holly receive Matt's invitation: "Come run away with me!" How romantic! Oh, wait. They're going to a SmashBox fashion show... where the girls are the stars.

Here we see Beauty Queen Marshana shine--she wants to "stomp it out."
Woah! Red head Michelle--what the hell happened to her hair? I feel like the crazy vibe is dripping from this girl.
Holly impresses with her moon walk.
Holy haystack, Batman! What does Ashlee have on her head?? Is that her hair? Should we prod that thing with a pitchfork?
More empty promises from ABC. There's no stripping to be seen here: Amanda takes her top off to reveal...a swimming suit top. Cover the children's eyes!

9:12 Penthouse party!
Marshana takes the lead and grabs Matt to talk about interracial dating. America shifts uncomfortably.

Michelle reels Matt in. She, like Ashlee, wrote a song. Oh, boy. These sorts of things should be saved for private moments, Michelle. The popular girls on the couch snort at the nerdy girl.

9:15 The girls at home discover they have a far superior date than having to stomp around--going to Las Vegas. SQUEEEEALLLL!!!!

9:16 Back to the penthouse party.

Ashlee wants a kiss.
'I want to know if you're into me!'
'Why wasn't I top 1 on the catwalk??'
'I have been staring at your lips all day.' POUT POUT POUT.
Congrats, Ashlee! You guilt-tripped the Bachelor into kissing you.

Matt brings Ashlee a rose, much to the other girls' disappointment.

'It's mine!!!!!!' brags Ashlee, waving it at the other ladies. Classy!

Marshana suggests that Ashlee should be humble, which is the smartest thing Marshana has said so far.

Erin H., Ashlee's elder by three years, says that Ashlee is 'a young 22.' Mm, yes. Wise.

9:23 Matt explains to us that Las Vegas is one of the hot spots in the U.S. Thank you, Matt!

Shayne has been to Las Vegas like, a thousand times, she lets us know. Thanks, Shayne!

The lady with the most chips at the end of the night gets time with Matty.
Insert: many gambling=love cliches. Examples? You have to risk to win. It's not seven, but ONE is the lucky number tonight!

Shayne spends all her money at once. Big shocker.

Kelly won the date with the most chips. 'He knows that I'm nice...and that I can handle my alcohol," she slurringly informs us.

Shayne really needs to tell Matt something. 'You have twenty other girls downstairs vying for your attention! Do you think I'm waiting in the wings?'
Matt: Everyone's in that position. Everyone else is putting up with it. You shouldn't have an issue with this.
Shaaaaaayne: 'Maaaattt! I ammmm having an issue! Is this worth it? Having a guy look at other women?'

Good one, Shayne. Men loooooove this.

9:33 Matt needs more time with the girls...in the Napoleon Room.

Shayne wants to clear up that talk she had with Matt by talking more at him. But there are all these girls in the way of that! Why didn't someone inform Shayne of these other girls? Really. Some producer dropped the ball here. Why didn't someone inform this poor girl that there would be other females present?

Chelsea and Matt have some boring interaction.

Shayne is so serious. She wants to get to know Matt, and Matt only. She's not going to be giddy about it. Gosh. Everybody should grow up.

Robin, who always looks like she's kind of sad, impresses by playing the piano.

Erin S. keeps her conversation to 'Yaaaaay!'

Matt gives Chelsea the rose so she is safe tonight.

Shayne is used to getting her way. She is used to getting a MILLION ROSES. THIS IS NOT FUN FOR HER. Doesn't anyone understand?! She has to lock herself in a bathroom about this and get it out emotionally. Good thing she has those sunglasses that are the size of a small country to cover up her face.

9:42 Hard electro music to Matt's entrance.

SQUEEEEAAAAALLL!!!!

Matt's looking forward to this cocktail party.

Robin plays smart by suggesting that Matt play pretend: They're the only people there. What would he do? Kinky!

Woah! Make. out. session. Despite those feather earrings!

Kelly is drunk already.

Marshana is already jealous. There's always a girl who has weird possession issues despite not having known the bachelor for more than two days. This season, we have two--Marshana and Shayne.

Matt explains to us that he wants to kiss Marshana, but the entire cast is watching at the window.

Carri finally gets her one-on-one time. Annnnd... she sings opera. (Could someone do something else?)

Aaaaand Erin H. decides she's going to sing too. (Apparently not.)

Oh my god. Amanda is too cute. She calls her nervous hiccups the 'meeps.' I still wonder how she's going to get through this.

'Welcome to my set!!!' says Shayne to the camera.
'I want to just say one thing...'
Uh, huh.
She confesses she was in the bathroom crying. Matt apologizes for being harsh.
'Listen, I'm so OVER the acting thing,' Shayne tells Matt. 'That's my job.'
Uh, huh.
'I'm here for you, and I'm here for us. I'm here to stay for you, if you have me.'
Uh, huh.

9:48 Talent show time! Where is Erin H.'s singing?! How could this not happen?!

Enter Chris Harrison. 'Man! I hate it when Chris Harrison walks in,' says Matt.

9:51 Rose Ceremony. Ashlee and Chelsea have roses.
'Meep!' says Amanda.
Enter Matt.

Who stays:
Robin, kiss on the cheek!
Holly,
Erin S.,
Amanda, meep!
Kelly, who stumbles down to get her rose.
Amy, who is this chick?
Kristine, again, who is this?
Marshana
Noelle, who is also wearing feather earrings!
Shayne, who looks like she just died a thousand deaths to receive that rose.

Goodbye, Erin H., Michelle, and Carri. Maybe if Erin had sang, or if Carri hadn't (or if she hadn't bit into that can last week), or if Michelle hadn't sang/played the clarinet.

Oh, man. Michelle told us it'll be great to see her cat and have her purr and lay on her lap. This is like the saddest/craziest goodbye I've ever seen.

We may have lost our token cat lady, but at least ABC has promised us more crazies for next week. Until the rugby match...

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