In honor of this Doomsday SATC Weekend, I thought I'd repost my reply to Time Out New York's accusation that I helped ruin New York. For the record, I'm not seeing SATC tonight. I'm watching the Scripps National Spelling Bee and drinking bourbon. Take that, Carrie Bradshaw.
I had really hoped to avoid blogging about SATC, but it seems that Time Out New York wanted me to do it anyway, since TONY singled me (and my homegirl Julia Allison) out as the dirty blogging spawn of Carrie Bradshaw, happily tip-tap-typing away the minutiae of our lives while we sit in our gorgeous boho-chic apartments, which we have charged to the same credit card as our Jimmy Choos.
While I'm actually flattered that TONY printed me up (I do, in fact, enjoy the sound of typing--albeit my own or someone else's), I'm doing a disservice to SATC fans everywhere if I pretend that I belong in that cult-class of cutting-edge women who love shoes as dearly as life, swish into the hottest clubs and sleep with the most attractive, interesting, and sometimes horrifying, men in the city.
The truth is that I wish I could be more like that, but I'm the most un-Carrie girl you'll meet. I just finished a half a Chipotle burrito, I'm wearing $15 shoes, and it's true, I didn't even wash my hair this morning. Even worse, I live in Chicago.
I do love my girl friends, but I don't travel in a pack, and there aren't any cougars I can list as mis amigas (although if I could roll with Samantha, I probably would). It was while I lived in New York (which I did, for six months--and not in the West Village or UES, but in Harlem where my neighbors thought I was a narc and then in Windsor Terrace, Brooklyn where I hung tight with my Irish Catholic neighbors and my nicotine-lunged landlady from Staten Island) that I got even slightly close to being "one of the girls." Three fellow interns and I went out together, wound up in crazy situations and met interesting people, but I didn't blog about it much nor was there any sex in the city because I had a boyfriend back in Chicago. Which brings me to another thing...
I am in the most dull (to everyone else) and wonderful (for me) longterm relationship--a real life version of When Harry Met Sally. And the thing about Harry and Sally is that after that romantic moment on New Year's Eve where Billy Crystal comes running to kiss Meg Ryan and tell her just how much he loves her, everything is pretty boring. Happily ever after. And that's why none of you hear about that.
So why do we girls blog? Why listen to yourself type and hope that someone else might listen too?
Maybe for the same reason women gathered around quilting circles or my grandmother plays bridge with her girl friends--there's something invigorating about this gathering and storytelling as we create identities and form relationships out of something as simple as a keyboard. It may not be sex, but it's still empowering.
And like Candace Bushnell told me when I was a freshman at Northwestern lo those many years ago, I think now I'm gonna "go out, have a couple cosmopolitans and cause some trouble."
Maybe you'll hear about it later.
Friday, May 30, 2008
The Movie Cometh
Don't be an ass, Northwestern
It’s embarrassing to watch as various news outlets chide Northwestern seniors for their pissing-and-moaning about their commencement keynote speaker, Mayor Richard M. Daley. Some editorialists have called these responses “whiny,” “arrogant,” and “entitled;” and it’s true—they are.
I understand that Mayor Daley may not be the most thrilling speaker, and it’s possible that Daley’s political and social ties to Bienen contributed to his post, but it’s humiliating to the rest of the Northwestern community when some overindulged seniors gripe all over the comments section of the Daily online, reaffirming the rest of the world’s suspicions that Northwestern students and graduates are cosseted, pretentious beings that would refuse to condescend to a speech given by the mayor of one of the most thriving metropolises.
In response to these complaints, Bienen told one student to "grow up” and the Tribune reminded seniors that while Daley isn’t perfect, his “chosen career confronts him with the challenges of urban poverty, and gang killings of youngsters, and infant mortality, and racial rivalries, and broken families galore—and the many of his disadvantaged constituents who yearn desperately for, yes, world-class educations.” These responses are completely just.
But no response could be more apt (or prescient) than Julia Louis-Dreyfus’s final word of advice to my fellow graduates at last year’s commencement: “Finally, don’t be an ass.”
“I mean that, I do,” she said. “I’m not trying to be glib. Be nice to people and be considerate. Check in with yourself every once in a while, and ask yourself: Am I being an ass? You’ll be surprised how often the answer is yes.”
If only she had gotten to some of those grousers in the Class of 2008 first. [See her speech here.]
Surprise! It's More Gross Chicago Weather
I'm always quick to defend Chicago when people (usually New Yorkers) give it a hard time. But it's hard to defend a city when its weather sucks so hard. Take, for example, the satellite image of our current weather. Notice the big blotch of gross that centers over the ever Windy City and that other big blotch that just recently passed through. Tornado watch for only another hour, Chicago! Woo!
Thursday, May 29, 2008
My Shoes Take a Vacation Without Me
It seems that my recently-ordered shoes (the ones that are next to godliness and make my heart dance in my chest at the thought of them) are on a vacation without me. In the last day, they've traveled over 75 miles of Chicagoland, tripping the light fantastic from the southside to the north burbs and back again. I watch with envy as they take their sweet time getting to my doorstep. Oh, shoes! Come to me!
The Shoes Take a Chicagoland Vacation
The Shoes arrive in Chicago, IL. They marvel at the Dan Ryan expressway and UIC's campus. "Hooray! We love Chicago!" they surely cry. "We cannot wait to get down and dirty (but not scuffed too badly) on these city streets."
But first, they must journey to Hodgkins, Illinois. Far beyond the city limits, the Shoes quake with fear. "Oh bring us back away from I-55! Take us to the north side!"
A miscommunication hinders their progress. The UPS delivery guy misunderstands the Shoes and travels with them to the northern burbs. In Northbrook, the shoes wish the journey would end. "Mercy, Lord!" they cry. "Deliver us from this truck!"
Where will our heroes find themselves next? Will it be at the front door of their rightful owner? Or in the hands of yet another UPS deliveryman (or woman)? Only time will tell.
Aftertaste: Questions That Linger From Last Night's Top Chef
Where is the Top Chef Chicago kitchen?
Will Lisa take a shower?
Were those frozen sea scallops planted by Bravo, like Tramonto's PR rep claims?
Is Richard Blais a blond version of Big Boy?
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Live Blogging: The Bachelorette, Episode 2
It's true, I went on vacation. While I did enjoy eating those honeyish buttery rolls at O'Charleys Monday night, I did miss The Bachelorette. Thankfully, I'm back with midweek insight on the show that the rest of America saw on Monday.
Just in case we forgot who DeAnna Pappas is and how badly she got her heart broken (and America's too, don't forget), ABC reminds us: "America watched as DeAnna Pappas fell in love with Brad Womack... AND THEN HE BROKE HER HEART." One new insight I have from this scene is how great DeAnna's pink lipstick is--love it!
But DeAnna's back, and tonight (or Monday night, if you're counting) the guys bunk!, limos!, virgins!, and SINGING!!
Chris "Hey Dudes!" Harrison sets down the basic ground rules, announcing to what seems like the surprise of the men that they might be sent home. Somebody should have filled them in. They all look so disappointed.
The three first impression roses (Jeremy, Richard and Jesse) get to move in with DeAnna. Ron is SHOCKED by how much first impressions matter. Again, someone should have filled him in.
DeAnna tells us that living with three guys will be very intimate. And just to remind us that ABC and The Bachelorette are worthy of our time, she tells us that she does believe that this is the best way to find love. Meanwhile, the other 12 men find their bunk beds. Paul demonstrates what gyrating on the top bunks will look like, and Twigs laughs about "shrinkage," and then proceeds to scratch himself.
Do You Believe in Magic? Date, or The Creepy Castle That Had Something to do with Cards and Pianos
- Jason
- Ryan
- Twigs
- Sean
- Paul
- Fred
- Richard
DeAnna leads the boys to their own private magic room. The magician mispronounces DeAnna's name, and we all giggle. The magician makes Jason and DeAnna disappear to scattered applause. Everyone is confused. Especially Ryan.Jason says he is very lucky to get this creepy one-on-one time. DeAnna and Jason bond over music, food and other boring subjects while I think this whole scene is very Wizard of Oz-ish. I just want to yell to the other bachelors to look behind the curtain!
Jason and DeAnna return before Jason can open up about his son. Ryan worries about what sinful things happened behind that curtain.
Sean and DeAnna get some alone time together, but a magic piano mocks Sean's attempts at conversations. Sean's brow gets so sweaty it reflects lights. A few guys try to impress guys with magic tricks, Twigs puts on a play that apparently never ended. That more or less ended the showtime.
Richard tells us he was surprised he got invited to the house--he must have missed that the men who got first impression roses got invited to her mansion. He subsequent makes her a paper rose, which is pretty sweet.
Twigs and the other men argue about his intentions. Ryan especially digs into him, and I'm glad I never have to have an argument with this football player.
Ryan subsequently tells DeAnna he sets himself apart by not speeding, not cursing, and more or less just being more perfect than she could ever be. She says she will corrupt him.
Paul and Fred, who I cannot tell apart, pull DeAnna aside. Paul tells DeAnna that despite the fact he's 23, he's ready to get married. He's so ready, in fact, that he already has been engaged. Paul continues to say that there is no price to love while he gives DeAnna a big hug. Fred pulls heavily from his rum and Coke and tries to look away. No big surprise that Paul gets the rose.
Back at the couch house the next morning, Paul gets naked for all the other men. That's about it.
One-on-One Date with Graham at the Beach
DeAnna says that Graham is smoking hot. They hold hands and stroll down the shoreline. Some producers thought that either DeAnna or Graham would know how to fly a kit. Unfortunately, neither do.They move onto better things, like juicy details about Graham's past. Graham says he'd never been in love until his last relationship. DeAnna is scared by this and says she knows what she wants and that she doesn't want to be left crying again.
Conversation starts to dwindle and DeAnna warns Graham to either feel it or get out. Graham responds that love is special when it should be cultivated. I wonder whether the word "cultivated" has ever hit primetime ABC before.
Back at the house, the guys talk sex. I wish Sue Johanson would stop by. Ryan reminds us that he planned on being different from everyone else in his life, and he is a virgin. There are some mumblings of "dude!" but the men move on.
Meanwhile, Graham and DeAnna perfect roasing marshmallows and have some more heavy talk about love. DeAnna offers Graham his rose and pins it to his North Face fleece, and all is well in the world.
Twigs and Jason have a bro heart-to-heart about whether or not Twigs should stalk up to the mansion and jump out at DeAnna. Graham and DeAnna have a nice goodbye where he pecks her on the cheek. No sooner does DeAnna start toward the house than Twigs bolts out of the bushes at her and confesses who he is in five minutes... kind of. This goes about as well as everyone expected.
Graham returns to the coach house where he kisses and tells, Brian--that silver fox from Texas--gets jealous, and Graham drinks out of three cups at once?
A Diamond is a Girl's Best Friend: Baseball date!
- Chris
- Jeremy
- Brian
- Jesse
- Eric
- Ron
- Top Chef Robert
The lady and the men head out to Dodgers Stadium, which is exciting enough, but DeAnna has one more surprise "for y'all!" It's Tommy Lasorda!? Brian explains to me who he is. Tommy gives the men a good talk, accompanied by the soundtrack from Field of Dreams, which culminates in everyone shouting, "I BELIEVE!"
Chris delivers a rendition of the National Anthem that we've been promised is "the most embarassing moment." Not in Bachelorette history. Not in TV history. Just ever. The most embarassing moment ever. That's too bad for Chris.
The men hit "home runs" to compete for DeAnna's one-on-one time. The "home runs" land somewhere in mid-field. Jeremy hits 6 home runs, while Chris a former minor leaguer, strikes out. Chris is having a really rough time today at Dodgers Stadium.
Jeremy and DeAnna get their one-on-one time in the dugout. Jeremy reveals that both of his parents have passed away and talks about what his parents meant to him. DeAnna appreciates his honesty and relates with him on the subject. America gets choked up.
Everyone eats hot dogs and drinks wine. Eric talks a lot about being Greek. Brian tell us he has only just now "figured himself out" and because of that he doesn't have a lot of experience with the ladies.
Back at the house, Jason decides to reveal to four of the men that he has a son. I'm still not sure I understand why he told these guys before DeAnna.
Tommy tells DeAnna to read faces, look in a crystal ball, and jump around the bases four times while rubbing the chalk lines on her face, and then (and only then!) will she know who to choose for the rose. He slaps her on the butt, spits out some tobacco juice and sends her on her way. Good talk, Tommy!
DeAnna takes Jeremy aside for some one-on-one time. ABC devilishly airs the alone time on the Jumbotron, fueling a fire of hate against Jeremy. Jesse hurls a baseball bat. Chris pouts about how his minor league experience should have gotten him a rose. ABC later puts on fireworks for the whole crew.
Coming up next, Everyone hates Jeremy! (It's just like "Everbody hates Robin" all over again.)
Cocktail Party
Everyone does hate Jeremy. He has a second rose and has already started decorating the guest bath in DeAnna's mansion. Some of the men turn on DeAnna, demanding to know why she gave a second rose to Jeremy. She tells them to stop whining.
Twigs is afraid that DeAnna doesn't have "a case of the Twillies going on." Twigs tries to redeem his coup on her. Jeremy cuts in on Twigs, stealing DeAnna away.
Ron is mad with Jeremy and rats out his bro for stealing DeAnna from Twigs. Dude be catty.
Jeremy reveals the special foreign language secret he told DeAnna when he first met her: "I came here to meet you, especially for you." Of course, they make out.As Jeremy returns to the party, he has (as Jesse says) "haters." Top Chef suggests that Jeremy isn't real to the camera, Ron pisses and moans some more. Meanwhile Ryan "I never swear or speed or do anything bad" calls Jeremy a BEEEEEEEP, which is a word I can't quite discern but I'm guessing is one of those "curses" that he doesn't say.
Push up competition! Twigs has twigs for arms. Jesse wins, despite his poor form. At one-on-one time, Jesse describes how he wants to be like "Uncle Jesse" from Full House. He wants to make PB&Js and be the cool family member.
Chris "Jesse, You Don't Have to Stand Up For Me" Harrison comes in to cut the party short. It's Rose Ceremony time.
Roses
- Paul
- Graham
- Jeremy
- Ron
- Jesse
- Top Chef
- Brian
- Jason
- Fred
- Sean
- Richard
- Twigs
Going Home:
Eric says he brings a lot to the table--mainly Greek food.
Chris is pissed that DeAnna doesn't have it all figured out.
Ryan says he's one of the most honest and most genuine persons she'll ever meet. He was voted friendliest eighth grader and exits with: "That's a joke."
DeAnna takes a moment to herself before returning to the rest of her men.
Next week, confrontations!, injuries!, confessions!, and most importantly, COWBOY HATS!
Yeeeehawwww!
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
On Vacation
Still out of town, covered in cat hair and full of lots of pancakes. Bachelorette DVR'd and ready to watch upon my return to the Windy City. Cannot wait!!!
Friday, May 23, 2008
BEST NEWS EVER
I know that since I defended myself against TONY as I am not the spawn of Carrie Bradhsaw, I've managed to write about Craigslist's Missed Connections, pick ups in dance clubs, and (God save me) The Bachelorette. But I am apparently on a roll, because I am now blogging about shoes.
I just ordered this pair of [EDIT: Jeffrey Campbell] shoes, and I already own them. I've worn them thin and scuffed them to oblivion. They look AWFUL, but I insist on wearing them because they are the most amazing versatile, wonderfully comfortable but cute shoes I've ever owned. And, on a sad little whim, I googled them today and VOILA! There they are! And for only thirty bucks.
I am SO. EXCITED.
Now, to celebrate the Memorial Day weekend, I'm headed home with boyfriend in tow for a weekend of horse farms, bourbon, fireflies (hopefully), swimming pools, and strip malls!
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Telectroscope
[images via]
An awesome discovery for the end of the day—conceptual artist Paul St. George created an optical device that allows people in New York and London to communicate in real time without cell phones, cables, etc.
The gigantic “Telectroscope” is, according to the (rather imaginitive and extensive) story concocted on St. George’s website, inspired from his Victorian great-grandfather’s work digging a transatlantic tunnel.
Visitors in each city can get up close and wave to visitors in the other, writing messages to one another on dry erase boards. The Telectroscope will be hooked up at Fulton Ferry in Brooklyn and the Thames River in London until June 15.
Match Made in Missed Connections Heaven
Yes, I will continue to hate on the iPhone as long as I don't have one.