Man oh man, I'll be honest, people. This was one boring episode--except for the "most emotional rose ceremony ever." Don't worry--I suffered through it so you don't have to... or so that you can relive just how awful it was.
Chris "Another Morning in the Mansion" Harrison informs us that the ladies will be going to Seattle, and everyone is sooo excited!
While the ladies fly the sunny skies, Jason and Ty reunite in Seattle, where apparently Jason lives at the Sleepless in Seattle house.
Finally landed in Seattle, the ladies pull up in their limo to their hotel, and oh-em-gee, it's Jaaaaason! More and more screaming that recalls those first few precious episodes when everything was carefree.
Date With Melissa: Let's Hit the Town in Style! Until Ty RUINS Melissa's NIGHT! Gah, Kids!
Melissa primps while Jason walks around in yet another gratuitous shirtless shot and Ty is a "grumpy pants." Let's face it. We've all been there. Grumpy pants is a place we're all familiar with.
So to compromise between his lady friend and his little boy, Jason decides to invite Mel over for a casual night-in. Melissa happily accepts, eager to be the first lady to spend some time with Ty and at Jason's house. The other girls exchange dark, concerned looks while Stephanie happily chirps that this is "the way it is" and that with kids "you have to be adjustable."
Melissa arrives at Jason's house all decked out in her fancy gear but gets right to work cleaning up after Jason and Ty, dreaming of doing these duties for years. After Melissa changes into her stretchy shorts, Jason invites her to come and stare at his sleeping son. You know, because Jason is not ready for anyone to meet him, but standing there in the doorway and watching him sleep is perfectly fine.
Melissa and Jason get cozy with white wine and sundaes (yum?) and mull over how ready Mel is to be a mom. (She's ready, just in case you were wondering.)
Date With Stephanie, Jillian and Molly: Love is on the Air
The ladies and Jason take a boat tour of Seattle, where they do pass the actual Sleepless in Seattle house, stealing my joke thunder.
As Stephanie gets some alone time with Jason and the Cap'n, she gets put in charge of steering the boat. As Cap'n stands by, Jason and Stephanie hang out together at the wheel and chat about kids. Again.
Afterward, Jason takes the ladies to a radio show. The ladies on the date don't get to hear what he says, but luckily the girls at home got to listen in while panicking over the details. Naturally, the radio show decides to set up a kissing contest that involves a feather boa and lots of kissing while Jason must name each girl who kisses him. "It was soooo easy!" said Jason. "Let's do it again!" The girls at home fall over.
The radio show, in a desperate attempt to make this episode entertaining, decides to push the envelope. What's your thing in the bedroom, ladies? Here's an opportunity for you to answer a question and confirm our stereotypes of your personalities: Molly: Lingerie! Jillian: Fun! Stephanie: Nurturing!
Jason accompanies the girls back to the hotel for dinner and drinks.
Jason takes Jillian aside to find out what's bothering her. Jillian confesses that she originally went on the show for the fun and excitement, but has really fallen for Jason. After Jillian sheds some tears, the two smooth things over with some kisses.
For her one-on-one time, Molly and Jason take a walk through Seattle. Jillian starts falling apart back at the hotel while Stephanie comforts her. Back on their walk, Molly and Jason talk about what Michigan means to her: family and beer pong! Here's a thought, Molly. If you're worried about seeming young to Jason (since you are 24), do not bring up beer pong. Okay? Okay.
One-on-One Date with Naomi
Here I have to air one thought: Naomi really, really needs to lay off the vanilla-white lipgloss. Really. Moving on...
Naomi gets to tour Seattle by air with Jason. ANOTHER air date! How many of these aero-dates must we have, ABC?! Did you get some sort of bulk-package in multiple cities?!
Back at the house, Stephanie puts Sophia on speakerphone and the other ladies pine over her loving mother-daugher relationship. Stephanie also lets her claws out--ever so gently--by sharing with us that she thinks Naomi is such a doll but maybe not quite mature enough for Jason, but really such a nice, sweet girl.
Back on their date, Jason and Naomi go rock-climbing at Dick's Sporting Goods where they share some extreme kisses.
At non-descript fireplace in Aisle 5 of Dick's Sporting Goods, Naomi opens up to Jason about her troubled family history. Jason worries that Naomi's mom's instinct to run flows in Naomi's blood.
Back at the hotel, the ladies crack open some beers and pour a bubble bath. NOW we're speaking my language. This is the best scene in this whole episode. The girls share their insecurities and speculate on the friendship-barrier that Naomi has since--unbeknownst to them--knocked down.
Day of the Rose Ceremony
Jason needs to make sure Jillian is here for him. Obviously, her tears and confessions of feelings the other night meant nothing. So it's quiz time!
Jason pries into Jillian to find out more: "You seem so strong!" Jillian, in tears: "Yes, I always have to be strong."
Jason, while stroking Jillian's hand: "I need to know you want to be here." Jillian, in tears: "I do!"
Jason: "Do you think you'll be open at hometown date?" Jillian, sobbing: "Oh yes! None of the other girls will be there--it'll be great!"
Jason: "Okay, fine. You passed. Let's make out."
Chris Harrison stops by the Mesnick Residence to unwind with Jason. "This hasn't become any easier, bro," Jason tells Chris. "Melissa is totally awesome, totally hot, but there's just something missing."
Stephanie? "She might be one of the most fantastic people I've ever met. She's like the Mother Theresa of reality TV. Everything and everyone she touches is better for it. I am going to have her bless Ty while he's sleeping before I send her packing."
Molly? "The attraction is obviously there because I'm always staring at her in this carnal way and thinking about that lingerie she mentioned on the radio. Oh, and uh, it's cool that she likes family."
Jillian? "She's here for an adventure, but now she is feeling it for me cause, really Chris, who couldn't, right bro? Have you seen my abs?"
Naomi? "Everything with her is easy, and she doesn't have a perfect past, and THAT is hot."
The Most Emotional Rose Ceremony Ever
Jason just cannot make up his mind right now. Naturally, he needs to pull aside Naomi to chat with her and make sure that his lifestyle is HER lifestyle. Of course, it is. They return to the hotel suite where dramatic lighting, fabric swatches and candles have been arranged to heighten the sense of drama. When Naomi and Jason return, Jason reassures the girls: "That's what I needed." And now to name names:
-Jillian: The first rose called, and here I was thinking my girl from Up North would be heading home.
-Melissa: A solid.
-Molly: Did she really think she was going to be sent home? Seriously? The man can hardly hold himself back when she's around.
-Naomi: That time out in the hallway totally settled things up for him, natch.
Since it's time to send home the Mama Ther--err, Stephanie. Jason ups the ante just slightly to remind us what a good person she is: "I want to say this in front of everybody. You are--sniff--the most amazing person I've ever met. And I think we are all better people for having had you here. You're a beautiful person, outside and in. I'm so glad to have met you. Now, can you come by my house real quick and just, like, touch Ty's head before you leave?"
Stephanie, tears shining in her eyes and a smile on her face, holds her head high: "I'm just glad I could be a part of this so that I could reach anybody. I'm so glad that I did. You're an incredible man, and I wish you the best. And sure, I'll be by in like fifteen to twenty."
The ladies cry. Some girls comfort Stephanie. Chris Harrison comforts Jason. Finally, Jason and Stephanie patch things up in the hallway. Really? Out in the hallway again? Could we not afford an extra room so that Jason could drag these girls somewhere else? I'm really feeling bad for anyone who was staying at this hotel during this period of time. Really. I hope they got a refund.
Finally, Stephanie gives the most composed, mature post-booting limo interview ever. Gotta love that woman for being so with it. And yes, so caring.
Next week, Jason visits the ladies for--Ukies in Canada! Country clubs in Michigan! Dead doves in California! and Texas don't want none! Hooray!
EDIT: Thanks to Pom for making me reconsider what number episode this was. It is in fact: 5! The season drags on, ladies and gentlemen.