Sweats, Sharks and Shoelaces: The Bachelorette Finale

For the last time, ABC gets their chance to reintroduce us to DeAnna, except this time we don't rehash that whole debacle with Brad Womack. Instead, we rehash that other debacle with poor, poor Jeremy. Tonight, it's time for the boys to meet the whole big fat Greek family--Yaya, Papoo, Windex and all!

Jason tells us he's just a regular ol' guy, a single dad, and he's so happy with DeAnna. We re-meet Ty for the fourteenth time this season, just so ABC can rehash how forward-thinking they are with their token single dad. Cue: shots of DeAnna being maternal with Ty while Jason strips off the body armor. For what it's worth--that body armor, it's everywhere. So many of these men are so damaged.

Jesse shows up to remind us that he's just a dude from the slopes, but that DeAnna takes him out of his element and he's fallen in love with her. He also drops the words "scared" and "nervous" a couple times, which are drier reminders of the sweatiness that's yet to come.

Big Fat Greek Family, Part I of II

Jason arrives to meet the immediate Pappas family and he easily impresses the whole crew. Living up to his gentlemanly standard, Jason approaches D's dad and asks for her hand in marriage. Dad says that no one has ever done that before. Hold the phone. What? What about all those rumors that Brad had Dad flown out to ask for his permission to marry DeAnna way back when? Was I the only one who heard those? Moving on...

When Jesse arrives to meet DeAnna's family, he makes introductions by palming some of his nervous sweat on everybody's hands. Not about to make things easier, Dad grills him. What are you doing beyond snowboarding? Why didn't your last relationship work out? Where are these pink shoelaces I've heard so much about? If you take my daughter away, then you better know that I'm going to hunt you down and break your snowboard over your head, dude. Jesse dry-heaves into the bushes in between takes.

After Jesse leaves, Dad and DeAnna hash out the two men. Dad says that Jason told him he was falling in love with her, so he must mean it. Jesse said the same thing, but there was something about his fluffy hair that made Dad wonder if he could really know what love is. When Dad mentions that Jesse didn't ask for DeAnna's hand, DeAnna furrows her brow in frustration. According to the Pappas family rules, men who don't grovel are not men at all.

Big Fat Greek Family, Part II of II

In addition to DeAnna's dad, sister, brother and sister-in-law, Papoo, Yaya and some other assorted family members have shown up to grill the guys...at the same time!!
This is the first of several attempts by ABC to add drama to this finale. Bringing both the guys to the family at the same time? Really, ABC? You might as well bring Jason's ex into this sitch to really make it dramatic. Maybe throw in Brad too just for some added conflict. Or, you could allow a "jilted ex-Bachelor" to come back and confront DeAn--oh, you really are going to do that? Okay.

Jesse arrives first, knowing full well he totally botched yesterday and preparing to make good today. DeAnna also hopes that Jesse isn't as nervous today because she doesn't know how she'll explain the sweats, shakes and vomiting to Yaya. Terrific touch: Jesse does not bring flowers--but he's carrying a potted plant.

Ding dong! The tension of the doorbell crackles in the air!

Jason arrives, announces that he doesn't like sharing DeAnna and secretly plots to put a heating pad under Jesse during dinner to make him sweat more.

The dinner scene consists of extremely fast edits of Jesse not knowing Greek food, Jason knowing Greek food, Jason throwing about compliments to D's family and Jesse throwing fist pounds with D's Papoo.

Jason charms Yaya to pieces, and Yaya's aside about how wonderful and good her husband is makes me tear up and stifle a sob with a big bite out of my Tostitos Hint-of-Lime chips.

Elsewhere in the World of Emotions, Jesse also brings DeAnna's sister and sister-in-law to tears by mentioning his own tears over Dee. Sister-in-law tells Jesse to rock it out and be himself, which is the best advice the dude receives throughout the entire show.

Jesse pulls Dad aside to ask for Dee's hand in marriage. Nice save, Jesse. Jesse and Dad make nice and pound it at the end of their dude-to-dude talk.

The day ends, and nobody wants to say goodbye. Jesse plays well by "tricking" Jason into taking the first limo so he can get the last kiss.

DeAnna sits down with her sisters to get their opinions. Sister thinks that Jason is more into her. Sister-in-law thinks that Jesse is closer to the same place as DeAnna. DeAnna is confused and thinks that maybe buying another swimsuit for the Bahamas will help her make her decision.

Back in the Bahamas

DeAnna barely gets to break in the new suit before some ABC producer approaches her.

"Um, hey De-ANN-a--"

"It's De-AHH-nuh!"

"Oh, right. Um, so the execs aren't too happy with the ratings of your show so far, and with it being summer scheduling and all, we need to fill two hours, plus that totally unnecessary extra hour-long After the Final Rose show. And um, we never filmed your family's ouzo-soaked Opa!'s to fill an extra five minutes, so basically we need to fill a little extra time with some conflict and we've brought a jilted ex-bachelor back."

"Is it Graham? I hope it's Graham."

"Uh, no. Graham's busy hooking up with all the girls who want to jump his bones after seeing him on national television. But we do have Jeremy."

"Is he still crying like the emasculated wuss he is?"

"Um..."

"Fine! Send him in, but make sure he's wearing really tight pants, okay? ..And bring me another swimsuit!"

Jeremy arrives to make DeAnna feel awful for her decision to send him home and gain sympathy from America. Jeremy tells DeAnna that he has been a cold person since his mom died and that after meeting DeAnna, he has changed and feels things he hasn't felt since before his mom's death. DeAnna tells him that her feelings for him should be stronger and she cannot drag him on when they're not meant to be. They exchange kisses on the cheeks and part ways. Jeremy has a breakdown outside the hotel where he secures his position as the next bachelor.

Date with Jesse: ABC Crosses Two Hit Shows to Make One Boring Date: The Bachelorette and Lost

The next day, DeAnna tries to clear her mind of all that Jeremy crap with a new swimsuit and a date with Jesse. Jesse tells us that today is either the rest of his life or his last date with Dee. I am so impressed—Dude be eloquent.

DeAnna takes Jesse to a deserted island. More or less, they just make out while Jesse's voiceover reiterates the same old same old.

Back at the hotel, Jesse gives DeAnna her present: a book for DeAnna that consists of nice thoughts and prom-pose pictures of them together on all of their dates. This brings less a revelation of Jesse's feelings for DeAnna and more of a revelation on the fact that these photos exist. Does ABC make some lowly assistant carry around a Polaroid camera to snap shots at every single date? Where did these come from? I'm so impressed.

Date with Jason: ABC Tries to Create Tension by Putting Bachelorette and Bachelor in Water With Man-Eating Sharks

On their date, Jason and DeAnna go shark diving. Did anyone else feel like this scene was practically biblical? Like, the two of them kneeling in prayer, holding hands while the sharks bump up against cameramen? This show keeps getting weirder.

After dinner, Jason gives DeAnna his gift--a board game that reenacts every moment they've shared together and spells reenact incorrectly. At first, I think this is cute. But as the "reinacted" moments keep coming, I start to feel uncomfortable, like Jason had planned this all along and the whole love reality show thing really is just a game. DeAnna, however, loves it and melts when Jason tells her he loves her.

Final Rose Ceremony

On the morning of the rose ceremony, DeAnna shows us how hard this decision is for her by wearing her glasses and not washing her hair. This MUST be tough! Oh, I guess not. DeAnna tells us she knows who she's picking.

Jason and Jesse pick out their rings. Jason sits down with ease, picks out a ring and checks his reflection, practicing faces for when DeAnna accepts his proposal. Jesse nearly spews outside the makeshift ring shop before entering For the record, I like the ring Jesse chose better.

All three get ready for the big day. DeAnna curls her hair with a straightening iron? I'm so confused. Jason poses a lot in perfect shots with the wind blowing across his face. Jesse sweats a lot and downs some Tums. Both men cry.

Chris "America's Favorite Host" Harrison walks DeAnna out to her pedestal. You know, that pedestal that she's been on since she got dumped by Brad? I'm sure you remember it. The one that no single guy seemed able to crawl up to and join her because DeAnna's expectations are so high? Yeah, that one.

The first limo pulls out, and it's: Jason! Jason tells us he's not nervous. He's excited to get started on his life with DeAnna. After rushing down the walk, Jason quickly gets down on one knee. Before he can more than "I" out, DeAnna interrupts: No, I can't.

DeAnna tells Jason that she cannot share her future with him but that she loves someone else. Jason tells DeAnna that he really did fall in love with her. DeAnna cries as she walks Jason to the limo. In the limo, Jason is at first quiet and dejected before he opens up. "Why me? I was so ready to be in love again. God I wanna fall in love, I've had a huge hole in my heart for years." Jason worries he was not adventurous and on the edge enough for DeAnna. Jason says he already feels that body armor up again and the only thing he has is Ty.

DeAnna tells us that Jesse is someone she can see herself with in the future. "Man, my stomach's in knots," Jesse tells Chris. That's pretty sweet. Jesse manages to keep down his breakfast as he walks up to DeAnna. "I never thought this process could be real and I could fall in love here, but I did. The thought of not being with you kills me. I want to spend forever with you and I truly believe you are my soulmate. DeAnna Marie Pappas, will you spend forever with me?" DeAnna says yes, they kiss and she says, "I would not be okay if you were not in my life. And I love you. I've waited so long to say that. I love you."

To carry us out, Natasha Bedingfield. Remember? We saw her at the first date? Well, just in case you forgot, ABC included it in the flashbacks. And as a final thought? "I cannot believe I'm going to marry the guy with the pink shoelaces!"

And as an aside, I did watch the After the Final Rose show but didn't really find it worth blogging--plus, I was busily painting the new apartment's living room (what, what, Cozy Cottage by Behr!). However, I did LOVE how ABC brought back Matt and Shayne to disprove all those silly rumors of monkey trouble. I'm not so sure I believe them, but it was good to see the Monkeys in addition to the Pink Shoelaces. Until next time, fill yourself with some Jesse Csincsak love by reading up on him on Purl, watching an online rerun of the time he was an MTV Made coach, this 2005 article about how Jesse helped less-well-off boarders get their chance on the slopes, or his profile on his website, which--for the record--lists girls as the number two thing that sucks.