Reflections on The Bachelor

Thank God that's over. As much as I do enjoy a good The Women Tell All show, ABC has done a fantastic job upping the ante for their final episode and the ever so terribly dramatic After the Final Rose show. So it's no surprise that I had little interest last night in rehashing Megan and Erica's cat fights, hearing Orange McOrangePants from Suburban Chicago defensively talk about how fantastic she is, or checking in (yet again) with Trista and Ryan.

I do have to say that one fantastic bit of Bachelor/ette knowledge gleaned was the existence of Caesar, the seemingly sweet and unassuming limo driver who's stuck with ABC lo these long seventeen seasons, despite his better judgment. Between Chris Harrison giving the bro-hug to Caesar and pounding it with Jason ("Hey, man!"), I kinda wish Chris Harrison were every guy's BFF. I think the world might be a better place.

So as the interweb world fell apart in the chaos of conspiracy theories speculating about the uber-dramatic Finale and ATFR episodes ("I heard Jason dumps Melissa, proposes to Molly, dumps Molly, proposes to Jillian, then instead absconds with Orange McOrangepants to Chicago where they run into Noelle and Fred and where, after a night of revelry and "amazing" self-discovery, Jason sets up a storefront kissing booth to satisfy his lady cravings..."), it was nice to finally return to something pure and true to reality TV, like the WTA episode. It reminded us all of simpler times. (See below.)























The recent complaints of some Bachelor fans may have been slightly put to rest last night with the on-screen revelations of Holly and Jesse's relationship, as well as Noelle and Fred. (Noelle and Fred, btw, are totally adorbs.) That something "real" might be squeezed out of this reality show, even if it happens long after their seasons are over and only when the cameras aren't rolling, might reassure some fans who have sworn off Chris Harrison and the rest of the gang. Scripting of a TV show?! Well, I never!

I suppose I don't watch The Bachelor/ette to experience love through the eyes of a demi-celebrity on a reality TV show. If their relationship falls apart after the fact, so what? I had my cake watching the entertaining, and often ridiculous, drama that Chris Harrison and Company cooked up during the season--I don't need to eat it too.

What would The Bachelor be without fame-seekers like Matt Grant and Shayne Lamas? Or habitual inmates like Mary Delgado? Or the gratuitous ab shots of Jason Mesnick and his rehearsed hugs with his dragged-through-the-muck-of-reality-TV son, Ty? Can these camera-loving people like this really find love on national television as they drag innocent bystanders (see: Ty, Melissa's parents) through the process with them? I personally don't think so.

That doesn't mean the show doesn't work. Maybe more "normal" people can find love, like Trista and Ryan (who to their credit, seem almost boringly normal) or the recently be-sobered and be-normaled Charlie and Sarah (Probably not. Their stint last night reeked of seeking-new-TV-show-and-cash-money-contracts.). Maybe Jillian, should she come back to the show as The Bachelorette, could find someone normal too. But those normal people like Jillian are a breath of fresh air to a show clouded with the stormy drama queens (and kings) like Shayne, Orange McOrangepants, or Ryan from DeAnna's season. (Remember Ryan's bleep? Ah, the good old days.)


But let's be genuine here--those precious drama queens and kings are really what make the show enjoyable. Without them to temper the sweetness, The Bachelor would be a saccharine slope so slippery with sugar and rose petals that we'd probably all go careening down its side and wind up changing the channel to watch something like Gossip Girl or Bridezillas just to get a decent dose of vile.

So I can't blame ABC if this finale is scripted or tweaked or whatever else. It's what I'm watching and what I want to watch, so I'm asking for it. Give me what I want, Chris Harrison!

So until next week's uber-dramatic finale and ATFR episode, I am imagining the couples who--like Holly and Jesse or Noelle and Fred--might belong together. The Bachelor/ette may not have brought them together in front of the cameras, but my friends, these people are destined for one another. Any thoughts on other couples of Bachelor/ettes past who belong together? Here are just a few of the couples and how they will most certainly meet.

Nikki and Jeremy















Perfectionists at the core, Nikki and Jeremy met at a self-improvement seminar hosted by Chris Harrison. Jeremy reminded Nikki that long before Jason stole his ab thunder, he rocked the abs of steel for DeAnna. Meanwhile Nikki absent-mindedly pinned her 'do into place and used L.A. Looks gel of steel to mold her stray hairs into place. Today, they run a Vitamin Shoppe together in southwest Chicago burbs where Jeremy doles out law advice on the cheap and Nikki, selling all-natural teeth whiteners, knocks the confidence of future beauty queens.


Brian and Stephanie













The two sweet former contestants ran into one another at a vegan bakery where Stephanie had brought Sophia for a special cupcake because it was a Saturday, and that is how the wonderful mother and daughter spent their time together on Saturday. The Silver Fox, upon seeing them there, swept Stephanie up into his arms, bought a car seat for Sophia, and the rest is history.



Matt and Raquel













Recognizing their common bond of superior international descent, Matt and Raquel met in Barcelona where Matt had gone to party away his Hollywood sorrows. It took only one salsa dance about the room with Raquel to tame the Brit Bach into domestic bliss. They now run a dance studio together in Mumbai and served as extras on the final dance scene of Slumdog Millionaire.


Kelly and Erika














As two loud drunks from seasons past, the two ladies met at a bar, challenged each other to a drinking contest, took some snakebite shots together and immediately recognized their bond. They now run a therapy center together, where they occasionally host conferences entitled "I'm a Reality TV Reject, Now What? : Recovering From Your Televised Post-Traumatic Stress."


Twilley and Shannon














Twigs and Resident Bachelor Stalker Shannon met at a post-traumatic stress conference hosted by Kelly and Erika. The two skittered into one another, Shannon rubbed some black napkin on her face, they fell in love and lived happily ever after.

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The Bachelor: Jason, episode 2

Let's be honest about Jason. He's kinda like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. (That's right, NOT a hot dog with mustard topping!) Just sort of there, a bit plain, maybe he got a little smushed in the plastic baggie on the ride to school. You know what I mean.

But ABC has made a real effort to pull on our heartstrings (remember evil, evil DeAnna?!) and pull at our lady-indulgences (gratuitous bicep curls and six-pack shots) just to remind us how worthy Jason and The Bachelor are of our viewing time and advertising dollars! Hooray, America! Here we go!


Opening
More Ty shots. Remember how important it was that Ty spend this experience with his dad? Forget all of that. Ty needs to go home so that Dad has the place to hims--I mean, Ty needs to go home and spend some quality time with his mom! Right, kids?

The girls move in. Lots of screaming. (Please, ladies, see point #3a.)
Chris Harrison: So ladies, what do you think of the house??
Ladies: (indistinct nasal-y yet positive waaaaaah sounds)
Chris Harrison: Think it's gonna work out for ya?
Ladies: (Weeee!!!!)

(Here there was a terrible, terrible audio cut again. SERIOUSLY, ABC. WHAT IS THE DEAL?! You NEED to work out these audio issues. If you can fix them in the rest of the episodes, do it. Start now.)

Bad news bears! The ladies won't necessarily get to go on a date every week with Jason!

But it's okay, cause here comes Jason in a tight athletic outfit!

SWIM PARTY!!!!
"Weeeeee!!!!!!!!"

"Um, some of us weren't wearing makeup!" says Kari from Kansas with the cotton candy hairstyle on the top of her head. "We were all REALLY shocked."

Jason does the gentlemanly thing (most likely at some production assistant's prompting) and tells Megan that he actually wants her around, even if the only reason she got a rose is cause the kitties hate her so much.

Insert: Another scene completely centered around Jason's naked torso.

Jillian continues to ride out the hot dog wave as long as she can.

Crazy, crazy Shannon in her sequiny swimsuit corners Jason, reminds him how much she already knows about him, and says she is ABSOLUTELY ready for marriage and kids. How could she be so sure? Because all her girl friends are totally preggers! BFFs get preggers together, ladies. Even if that means you have to go on The Bachelor to find your husband and get started.

Shannon throws ice cubes. Natalie who said she’s from Chicago is now from “the smallest town ever.” WHAT’S THE TRUTH, LADY? The awkwardness was palapable when Stephanie attempted to break in between “little Midwestern girl” from “the smallest town ever” and yet also “from Chicago” Natalie.

The special rose for a romantic date goes to hot dog Jillian. Yawn. Shticks should never get you this far.

Poor little Midwestern Natalie got very upset, but Brazilian Raquel is there to comfort her, which is just so very sweet.

Lauren waxes a la Pam Beasley about how she is SO glad she didn’t get chosen because she would NOT have been ready! She would have had to wear her hair in a PONYTAIL, for gosh sakes!

Date with Jillian
Jillian was, like, so above being at Disney Hall (thanks, Disney/ABC!) because she already, like, knows about architecture, thank you very much.

And so begins our ‘thank youuuuu!’s as the bachelorettes gush over the dates that Jason, or the ABC production assistants or whatever, set up.

But that’s not all, Jillian! A private performance inside the hall! The conductor taps his baton, the strings raise their bows, and CUT TO DISCO MUSIC! This singer who I’ve never heard of before brings the funk and the couple dances the night away before kissing!!

Naturally, Jillian kisses and tells. Melissa pouts about what this special Disney disco night and kiss means for the prospects of her own date with Jason.

Date with Melissa
Melissa joins Jason at a seagull poo-strewn beach.

After taking in the wafts of dung and seaweed, the couple takes oyster shots together.

Then some blimp shows up and tells them to kiss, so they do.

Thankfully, the blimp landed and we have another one of those classic Bachelor dates where the couple cannot hear one another so they have to wear the big clunky headsets. In a stroke of comedic genius, Jason has to give the rose to Melissa while they wear the headset and then they chew each other’s faces off.

It’s at this point that I realize that in addition to our Eva Mendes (Naomi) and Sandra Bullock (Nikki), we also have a really tan Mandy Moore (Melissa)!


Natalie, Erica, Naomi, Nikki, Lauren, Kari, Sharon and Molly Glam Date
The ladies get to go on a shopping spree. Thanks, Jaso—ABC!!!

They go to a hotel that is “so L.A.,” which must mean there’s a lot of traffic and smog in the lobby.

Thankfully, the whole gang puts together a show for the town! More abs shots! Synchronized swimming! Molly’s tongue tricks with kissing!

The “Chicago” girls Natalie and Nikki get out the Windy City claws and take out their frustration on Molly on one another. OMG THEY’RE KISSING! OMG CAN YOU DROP IT! BUT THEY’RE KISSING! DROP IT! KISSING! DROP! (This is generally how most disputes are handled in Chicago, in case anyone from outside the city was wondering. OMG YOU TRIED TO MAKE PEOPLE PAY FOR A SENATE SEAT! OMG CAN YOU DROP IT! BUT THAT’S ILLEGAL! DROP IT! ILLEGAL!)

Also, we discover that 29-year-old Nikki has only kissed one guy since she was 17—her ex-boyfriend of 11 years. You do the math.

Molly gets the big date rose. Again, shticks win.

Raquel sneaks away and jumps in the car to let Jason know just how much she cares. Umm… shticks?


Cocktail Party
Jason enters. (“waahhhyaaaaaahhhhh!!!”)

Erica and Jason one-on-one time: You’re noticed, Erica. Yes, you’re definitely noticed.

Lauren and Jason one-on-one time: Jason tells Lauren that he can sense she’s not comfortable.

Sandra Bullock and Mandy Moore get to know one another, bonding on the couch about what it REALLY means to move to Seattle. Sandra and Mandy toast over it.

Crazy Shannon demands Jason remember her name, then cites the dates and names of people who are important in Jason’s life, then says how CUTE Jason is over and over again! I hide under my couch in fear.

Stephanie shares with the other women her story about losing her husband. The women and the rest of America cry.

As another serious moment, Lisa decides to leave to spend time with her grandmother. Lauren and Shannon celebrate.

Side ponytail Megan gets cut out from one-on-one time by Molly. Megan commiserates with the other ladies about the pain Molly inflicted on her. Erica, who seemingly always has a drink in her hand and is slouching over with her breasts hanging out of her dress, double talks and stabs some people in the back, Megan bites the bait, some ladies cry, and thankfully, life goes on.


Rose Ceremony
Because Lisa left the show, Jason only has to choose two girls to send home, which in my opinion is really too bad. There are at least three girls who I can think of who remain who could really head home.

Staying:
Melissa
Molly
Jillian

Megan (called first so she stops crying already)
Nikki
Lauren
Naomi
Stephanie
Kari
Natalie
Shannon (Oh lordy, seriously? The whole stalker thing isn’t a shtick. It’s SCARY.)
Erica (She seriously put his hand on her out-in-the-wide-open chest. That did happen.)

Sent home:
-Sharon, who gave up her job for this adventure.
-Raquel, who was wearing the most beautiful dress, was apparently punished for getting into the car. I am not sure how I feel about hot dog girl, I'm-a-good-kisser girl and stalker girl getting to stay but not Raquel...

Next week, Stephanie makes me cry some more, Erica and Megan fight some more, and Natalie from Chicago-kind-of goes to Las Vegas with Jason. Ironically enough, I TOO will be in Las Vegas next week, so I will be late in my update. I will be thinking of Natalie and Jason, however, when I hit the slot machines. Actually, I'm going for work and there will be no slot machines involved, but I'll think of them as I wander a convention floor strewn with building products.

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