Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Live-Blogging The Bachelor: Jason, episode 3

So I've been busy lately. I'm busy at work and beyond, and this past week I wound up in Las Vegas (much like Jason and Blondie McOrangeSkin) at a convention with lots of burly men and roofing materials. I did watch this past episode, but I couldn't bring myself to blog about it. Between Stephanie's daughter getting hoisted around for hours on end by her wrists and Blondie McOrangeSkin's snit-fit in Las Vegas (see: Trixie), boobs all over the place and Nikki starring in the remake of Two Weeks Notice, girls yelling at one another as Chris Harrison holds the count and Shannon vomiting all over the mansion, the whole 2 hours were such a train wreck that I didn't really know how to handle it. Not at all.

So let's just move onto this week's episode, sponsored by McDonald's, where happier times await.

Chris "I always dress for nighttime, even when I show up at your house in the morning" Harrison shows up, dressed for nighttime at the girls' house.

"Surprise! says Chris. "You have to write and perform an original song dedicated to their man with abs of steel."

Naturally, Nikki furrows her brow and tries to remember how exactly one modulates from a E-minor to an E-major and subsequently breaks down as she chants I HATE SINGING, I HATE SINGING!; Molly considers throwing her tongue back down his throat as a distraction; Stephanie begins to take this task (like so many others) way too seriously; Shannon pulls out her reporter's notebook for inspiration as she looks over what she's gleaned so far from her ten days in the house, every single episode of The Bachelorette and the background check she ran on Jason and his extended family before she arrived in beautiful Los Angeles to meet him in person!; Lauren snaps her gum and says, I've got this.

I just have to add at this point that with Naomi/Eva Mendes, Nikki/Sandra Bullock in Two Weeks Notice, and Molly/Cameron Diaz in this show, I really feel like this is that He's Just Not that Into You Movie and it somehow just accidentally wound up on ABC. Note: He's Not That Into You also a commercial sponsor of this episode, coming to theatres February 6.

When it's time to perform, Molly jumps up, slams her tongue down Jason's throat and mentions fast food in order to gain favors with McDonald's, meanwhile Shannon awkwardly nudges Jason about how she included a shoutout to Ty's godparents in her rap. After some girls dance and sing on the bar, Lauren takes the mic and announces: "My song is SO different from all of yours. I actually wrote a FULL OUT SONG." Who is this girl??

"Lying here all alone
Wondering if I should go home
But when I see your face
It falls in place
And I know...."

Nikki passes out briefly before singing her song.

When it comes time to choose a winner, Jason announces: "Well, Nikki, I liked your effort, and Lauren your song was probably the best but you're kind of a biotch, so at the urging of McDonald's marketing team, I've chosen Molly for her inclusion of the words "fast food" in her song."

Lauren is naturally quite unhappy with this outcome. "Um, I'm not sure if Jason read the rules of this contest before he chose Molly, because Rule #3a clearly stated that Lauren's song is the best and therefore she wins, so I'm not sure where the confusion came from but I'm sure that some ABC producer will smooth out this problem for me, right guys?"

1-on-1 Date with Molly: Let's Stay Home and Just Bone in the Tent--I Mean, Let's Just Hang Out and Stuff

In the nature of the stay-in, relaxed date, Jason drives himself over to the girls' place. The girls drink wine and eat McDonald's as they agonize over what exactly will happen at the bachelor pad this evening.

Oh, wait. Surprise! The lucky couple will be eating McDonald's too, so clearly the ladies shouldn't have too much to worry about. Making out after McDonald's onions is never a good bet. Another detriment due to fast food is the sweaty cheeks that Molly gets from eating burgers.

Fortunately, Molly hoses down and Jason offers her some fresh man-clothes to clean her up. They hang out outside and Molly gives some speech about what she wants her husband to be, and I totally tune out. So does Jason. I can tell because he's just staring at his mouth in this carnal, I'm-not-listening way that creeps me out. Jason offers her the rose and thus begins the camp-out time. We're offered all sorts of sounds caught on the mic that I would rather not hear. Seriously, ABC, you're upping the ante in all sorts of scandy ways. Meanwhile, sadly, back at the house, Shannon frets and stays up waiting for Molly's return.


Early the next morning, Molly and Jason drive back to the house. Molly happily announces that she's the first bachelorette in history to have a walk of shame. The other ladies seethe.

Group Date "Wanna Play Doctor?" and Wrap Party with the Sadz with Jillian, Lauren, Shannon, Megan, Melissa and Naomi

Later that afternoon, Jason returns to pick up six ladies for the date. As they pull up to a strange looking set, Naomi --the only American left who still watches General Hospital--happily informs the girls that this is the set of her favorite daytime soap playing on ABC every day at 3 pm! Hooray! What?

The ladies and Jason wander through the sets and, oh my gosh!, they happen upon a scene that is being FILMED. Jason informs us that this scene stars Bradford Anderson and Kirsten Storms. Again, what?

And um, surprise, ladies! You'll be starring in your own scene on General Hospital! See, this isn't so bad, right? Molly may still be in her happy morning-after haze this afternoon laying about the mansion, but you lucky ladies get to get caked in stage makeup and wear wigs and get ethnically stereotyped (maid, anyone?) and perform scenes with your hunky bachelor! Exciiiiiittttting. Uh, third time, what?

Shannon, holding knife in interview shot and waving it in front of face: "I have a crush on Jason, and I won't stop at anything to get him." Okay, seriously. The crazy pills, lay off of them.

Kirsten Storms: Okay, we need someone to do a kissing example!
Shannon: ME! I WILL! GET OUT OF MY WAY! I'M HOLDING A KNIFE! (goes in for kill)
Kirsten: Wait! No tongue!
Shannon, after kissing Jason: Weeeee!!!!!!!!! NOW we're CONNECTED FOREVERRRRR!


The whole crew stars "filming" their "scenes." Little Miss I Sing So Perfectly Lauren managed to let Naomi kiss Jason over and over in the three hundred takes it took her to get her lines right. The other girls writhed in pain off-set, and I begin to suspect that Lauren is a finely-placed ABC mole.

Next up was Jillian in a hilarious wig that I would love to wear someday. Their proposal scene ended in another hot kiss. Shannon shoots daggers at Jillian. Probably because she loves that wig as much as I do.

Megan chews off Jason's face in her scene. The other ladies get very angry. The director yells cut several times. I am relatively certain Jason lost part of his cheek. I'd like to take this opportunity to say that it's shocking this girl is 25.

Because starring in dramas during the day is not enough, the ladies go to a "wrap party," where emotions run high and the ladies get very upset.

First up, Naomi, who Jason takes aside to find out how she's doing. Naomi, with tears in her eyes, tells Jason that she is scared. Jason tells Naomi he wants her here with him, but I'm not so sure I believe him.

Meanwhile, Melissa also worries. Megan tells the girls to "man up." I'm enjoying this girl's edge. Megan clearly wanted to get kissed but Jason denies her. I mean, it's pretty obvious what this girl wants, and he straight up ignores her.

Lauren grabs Jason by his man-parts, tells him to ditch the other girls, and draws curtains about them to keep the other ladies out. Not one to pussy-foot around, Lauren jumps right in: Why did you keep Megan?! You LIKE her?
Jason: Yeah, I do.
Lauren: No! Yes! No! Whatever you think! Anyway, you need to give me the rose tonight.
Jason: So, you're entitled?
Lauren: Well, yes. I am. I deserve that rose. I am trying to keep you from some bad girls out there and I wrote this one song that was so great for you. Incidentally, has the producer spoken to you about how I was supposed to have won that competition? Because I was. Because my song was awesome. So yeah, you can make it up to me by giving me that rose tonight.

Jason leaves Lauren talking to herself and goes to pick up Melissa and make sure she doesn't cry in front of the other girls.
Melissa: I've fallen for you.
Jason: I like that. Now shut up and kiss me.
(kissing, kissing, kissing)
Shannon, from stage right: Heeeey guyyyyyyysssss.... So Jason, um... I'd like to talk to you at some poiiiiint, okaaaaay???

Shannon starts off normally enough, expressing how she has felt like she shut off herself from him. But then, unfortunately, she devolves into the crazy talk again. It's really just too much for me. I hide under my laptop. I tuned back in at the point where she said she was picking her nose. Big mistake, because at this point, Shannon went in for the kiss, Jason rejected her kiss and told her she had napkin on her face. This is really too painful. Really. Jason, man, did you REALLY have to add insult to the wound with the napkin comment? This girl is fragile, dude.

Thankfully, the punishment is over when Jason finally gives the rose to Naomi, with a "Thanks for being you," which is sweet if not just a bit weak. Lauren says that she's surprised that somehow there was another mistake in the paperwork. Megan curses again, gosh bless her.

2-on-1 Date with Stephanie and Nikki: Let's Dance the Night Away, right into that limo that's waiting for one of you!

Jason leaves dresses for both the girls. Actually, let's really be honest here. Jason definitely did not leave dresses for the girls. Ten bucks says Jason didn't even know those dresses weren't the girls' own. At any rate, it seems that one of the dresses was not to either of the girls' likings, however, as the greyish dress disappeared and was replaced by a black and charcoal stunner worn by Nikki. While the production assistant runs off to get this new black number, Nikki agonizes over one lock of her hair before she grabs a razor and just shaves it off since she cannot DEAL with unruly hair! Each girl sizes up the other: Nikki thinks that "this is totally up Stephanie's alley," which I don't understand. Stephanie meanwhile thinks that Nikki is just Jason's style, and that concerns her!

The threesome gets started with a ride in the Bentley. Jason worries that Nikki doesn't get outside the box and that there's no romantic connection with Stephanie. For a fun evening that will definitely calm everyone's nerves and make the whole situation sooo much more natural, ABC has hired a ballroom dance instructor. (NOT anyone from Dancing With the Stars, it's worth mentioning. When Carrie Ann Inaba is willing to dish out the dollars, she'll get her shoutout!) Nikki frets about how bad she'll be at dancing, and she is indeed pretty bad but not for lack of trying. Stephanie worries from the wings with her high-browed tight look of concern that borders somewhere between caring mother and evil step-sister. Stephanie is a dancer, so she's fine. Nikki glowers and begins to tear up.

Jason gives us the rundown on these two ladies. Stephanie, on one hand, has a kid, which is a winning trait because what better connection to bring two lovers together, right? And she also has the body of an eighteen-year-old cheerleader, so that's good too. Nikki definitely has a connection with Jason, but her earrings are the size of small birds, so that's kind of distracting. As each lady makes her argument for why she's ready for Jason, the sound of bubbling water from some distant fountain behind Stephanie greatly distracts me and I file yet another complaint with the new audio guy.

Nikki and Jason get some one-on-one time where she finally opens up about her 11-year relationship. Jason seems taken with the NEW Sandra Bullock. This is the Sandra Bullock who starred in Miss Congeniality and really came into her own as a true active comic actress.

Stephanie and Jason spend some one-on-one time where Stephanie speaks in lofty terms yet again, talking circles around Jason. My stomach turns over with the awkwardness.

When it's rose time, Jason gives his obligatory speech: "Stephanie, everyone who crosses your path is lucky to meet you. Nikki, you're as sweet as can be and everyone adores you. But I only have one rose tonight, and it's for Stephanie." Stephanie looks genuinely pained to see Nikki sent home. Nikki and Jason share a tough goodbye, and Nikki says that she's in so much shock she doesn't know how to react. Naturally, she blames her loss on lacking something when in fact her worrying about lacking was what made the missed connection in the first place. Meanwhile, Stephanie and Jason attempt to salvage what remains of their date with a super-awks waltz. With the music raging and the two of them twirling while Nikki holds back tears in her limo, I feel like I'm watching a Russian novel instead of a light-hearted primetime reality show.

Cocktail Party
The ladies, still in their somber mood, talk about how hard this process is. Molly's side ponytail is about as sloppy and dramatic as this episode.

Jillian, who doesn't yet have a rose, gets some alone time finally with Jason and makes an effort not to slip through the cracks. The hens back in the house peck over Jillian and Jason. Megan thinks they're not made for one another, but Stephanie and her blush think that they have some kind of connection.

Melissa and Jason bond too, mainly with Jason dumping her over the couch and gnawing on her lips.

Megan gets some alone time too, which is relieving to her since she feels she does not get any time to connect with him, which I think is true. They reminisce about the time they lost some inner cheek to one another on the set of General Hospital, and then Jason shares with her his newly-acquired waltz skills. This is weird to me--kind of like sharing leftover food from his and Molly's camp out date with the other girls.

Jason knocks out two crazy birds with one stone by sitting between Shannon and Lauren. While Shannon is totally good-natured, Lauren promises Jason a slap across the face. Then the two exchange some weird words and she screams and giggles and then they end up kissing this weird kiss and Lauren off-stage says "We're gonna get married!" I'm so lost.

Rose Ceremony
Chris reminds us all that it's been an emotional week, just in case they (and we) forgot, and two ladies will be going home tonight. Safe for now with their date roses are Molly, Naomi and Stephanie.

Jason recites his weekly pledge of love to the ladies, and then begins naming names:

Melissa (named first just so she'll calm down in the future)

And the final rose... a dramatic pause... and... "I'm sorry. I can't do this. I can't give out this final rose. Megan, you are amazing. You give and your view on the world is unbelievable. And Lauren, you're more honest and real than anyone I've ever met. And Shannon, you're just a beautiful person. But I can't lead anybody on, and I just don't see forever, so I can't give out the final rose tonight." (Cue cutaway shot of Molly smiling and nodding.)

Lauren says she respects Jason's decision as she says goodbye, but then complains to us that Jason still didn't play by the rules. There was ANOTHER ROSE left. Doesn't he understand?

Shannon reminds us that she watched every single episode of The Bachelorette at least six times and was Jason's number one fan, but that she didn't get with him. It's okay though because she's gonna go home and French kiss her puppies. What?

Megan says she was really surprised (me too!!) and that she's very hurt. She even says that it's pathetic how much she doesn't want to go home. I'm going to miss this girl's biting honesty.

"Here's to the five most wonderful girls I've ever met," says Jason. "Here's to another wonderful week!"

Oh, hooray! No soap operas next week, thankfully! Instead, Jason takes the ladies to Seattle, Naomi and Jason take to the sky in the third airborne date this season, Mel may or may not have a date, and the ladies get taken through yet another most-dramatic-rose-ceremony-ever. My DVR and I cannot wait!

1 comment:

Miss Merry said...

It must be said, this season is by far the most awkward and fake Bachelor ever! It drives me crazy, but I can't stop watching!! And could Jason be anymore dull?!