More shocking (shocking!) news from Bachelor world as Shayne and Matt have officially broken things off. While this may not come as a surprise to some of us who sensed the tension between the two of them, even as they discounted rumors of their break up at an After the Final Rose pow wow with Chris Harrison.
But even better (better!) news is that Shayne refuses to return the ring that Matt, er, I mean ABC bought for her. Matt wants her to auction the ring off to give the proceeds to charity, but the little monkey just won’t take her paws off it! Imagine that. [BuddyTV]
Just a heads up on our dear Shayne and Matt. Looks like Matt has moved out of Shayne’s Studio City condo. While some report that Shayne demanded Matt move out because of his flirtatious behavior with other blondes, Matt insists that living together was intended to be a temporary thing since her place is too small to fit him, Shayne, her shoe collection and both their stage personalities. [via]
EDIT: Thanks to the boyfriend for pointing out how similar Shayne and the monkey's faces are in this post and the one below. Coincidence? Most likely not. There was monkey, after all.
Matt and Shayne are bragging to TMZ reporters that they’re getting married next weekend in Las Vegas. Is it to remember that special moment they shared in Vegas together—the first of many times that Shayne would whine her way into Maaaaaaaaaattyyyyy’s heart? Or are they totally pulling TMZ’s leg? Cause that’s what I would do if I were them.
Matt's in London, and he's chucked to be back home. Chucked? What?
[EDIT: "Chuffed," not chucked. A British term for thrilled. Thanks, Anonymous!]
Chelsea in London Matt and all of ABC has planned for them to go on the London Eye. This has not been a straightforward journey. That's one way to put it. Chelsea tells us that she's excited to be here in her sorority poof hair style.
Brother Simon opens the door: "Hello, Mate!" British English to American English translation: Hi there, brother. Can I have your leftovers?
We meet the rest of Matt's family: mum Trish and father Tony. They're British and they're loaded cause holy cow, what are all those paintings on the wall?
The Grant Family Quiz Show: Mum: What's the best part of this process? Chelsea: Matt's light and serious. Brother Simon: Translate this word: WELLIES. Chelsea: Rain boots. (Somebody studied on the plane ride over.)
Brother Simon tells us that he's quite taken with Chelsea. She's charming and beautiful, and if Matt doesn't want her, he'll take her.
Mum: What are the most important qualities in your future husband? Chelsea: A sense of humor--the ability to laugh at yourself and person you're with.
Um, ha? ha? ha?
Chelsea's teeth look very white. Maybe this is the American Teeth vs. British Teeth thing. Or maybe it's just because Shayne and her caps aren't around.
Mum is worried that Chelsea might not be genuine. She's right. It's difficult to tell what's real and what's not when ABC comes rollin' in your London pad. It's kind of like going through the rabbit hole, but with lots of product placement.
Chelsea tells Mum that it's hard to be vulnerable but that she's falling in love, and Mum--predictably--asks if Chelsea is guarding herself. Chelsea says she tries not to, but that she has. Yawn.
After speaking with Chelsea, Mum determines that she's open and honest. Mum appreciated Chelsea "bearing her soul" to her. Obviously, some things must have happened in that little kitchen chat that didn't make it to the final cut.
"How would you think she would cope with our mad family?" Mum asks Matty-dear. "She's got a mad part too," says Matt. Translation? Crazy? I'm confused.
Matt says he's starting to piece Chelsea together.
"I adore you, Honey," says Matt. "You know, I'm just so pleased today went so well." "I'll see you soon, Baby," says Chelsea. Baby? Honey! What?! Cutie pie names! No Monkey though.
Shayne in London "Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!" squeals Shayne. Shayne's wearing her British-themed coat to fit in with the locals. When in Rome... "It's beautiiiiiiiiful heeeeeeere, Maaaaatttttt!!"
They take a traditional double-decker bus to Matt's pad. "Look at those guys!!" Shayne points at the London guard. "Don't they get BORED just standing there?" Yawn. Isn't Matt tired of Shayne pretending to be a dumb blond?
"It's just like a movie!" Shayne squeals. Okay, bingo--Shayne WOULD fit right in!
Shayne tell us that she's nervous and is shaking in her boots. Her London-themed boots. She has another dozen boots back in the hotel to match other European cities. Her Madrid boots. Her Paris boots. Her muddy Dutch countryside boots. She's prepared.
Brother Simon answers the door again. "When I first saw Shayne, I thought, wow," he tell us. Yeah, me too, Brother Simon.
"How old are you?" asks Father. "I'm 12," quips Shayne. (I'm impressed.) "I'm 22. Been on my own since 17." She leaves out the part about her broken family, sparing the Brits her Hollywood sob story.
Shayne reveals she wasn't good at acting. Big shocker. It was a challenge for her and she moved onward and upward. Huzzah!
Shayne asks Brother Simon what his first opinion was of her, and Simon says that Shayne has impressed him and proved his first impression wrong.
Brother Simon has been converted: I think Shayne is genuine.
Mum throws the same question at Shayne as she did at Chelsea. "What are you looking for in a husband?" Shayne: "I would tell him that this isn't a fairy tale, but you're the person that I'm willing to go through anything with." Thoughtful pause. "I grew up in a broken family." Aghhh, I knew it was coming!
Shayne leaves, and the Grants begin their breakdown of the two girls.
Most at ease? Shayne. Most passion? Chelsea. More genuine? Shayne. Brother Simon's choice? Chelsea. Father's choice? Shayne. Mum's choice? "The final decision is yours, Matt." Spoken like a true mom.
Chelsea in Barbados Matt blindfolds Chelsea and reveals a helicopter. Chelsea screams and squeals a lot. Helicopter montage. Lots more screaming and squealing--this time with pointing too.
The helicopter arrives on their private beach. Chelsea says they fit well together on the beach.
HILTON HOTEL! HILTON HOTEL! HILTON HOTEL!
"Tonight is my last night to let Matt know how I feel about him," says Chelsea. Chelsea has another surprise--a gift for him. Matt's California Survival Guide. Cereal for breakfast in bed. Surf wax. Map.
Really? That's it? I mean, I understand the sweetness of this gift. But this is your last chance to make a loving impression on this guy, and if you're going to put yourself out there, put yourself out there. And you don't even have to put on lingerie to do it. Apparently, nothing says love like surf wax and directions.
Chelsea says that she's been like a brochure. She has to unfold to reveal the real her. Metaphors! Nice!
"I'm falling in love with you, but I don't feel like you can fall in love with someone unless the other person has the capacity for love too," says Chelsea.
"I'm falling in love with you too, you know that," says Matt. He sounds exasperated. Me too.
"Without doubt, I'm falling in love with Chelsea. She's everything I've ever wanted. She's incredible. I hope we can get through this together." says Matt.
Shayne in Barbados. Attack of the Hollywood blond! Shayne comes screaming in from behind Matt.
Matt explains that Shayne is a monkey because of the way she cuddles with him. I vomit in my mouth.
Shayne and Matt go parasailing. Shayne says that while she was parasailing, she was an angel up in the clouds, floating and loving Matt.
HILTON HOTEL! HILTON HOTEL! HILTON HOTEL!!!!
Shayne says that she has a present, then squeals and breaks my television set.
Shayne took a photo of herself lying in the sand, having written I LOVE YOU. Good move, Shayne. This is the kind of last night gift that gets you places.
"Matt, it says I love you!" says Shayne, proving that she both wrote the sentence in the sand AND she can read it back. Literacy rules! "Without a doubt, I'm falling in love with you," says Matt. Shayne pouts.
"You are the most warm, kindest, most genuine person I've ever met," says Matt. "Did you like my present?" whimpers Shayne. "I liked it," whispers Matt. Did Shayne write the script for this one?
Final Rose Ceremony Matt has never been this nervous or apprehensive. He never thought he would fall in love with two women. But he chooses a ring anyway.
Chelsea first.
Chris "Pseudo Daddy" Harrison escorts her halfway.
Matt tells Chelsea she owns some amazing dresses. DANGER! DANGER! We've shared some amazing times. DANGER! DANGER! When I am thinking about my lifetime partner, DANGER! DANGER! DANGER! I cannot give you what you need.
Chelsea holds herself together relatively well. "I've never had any regrets through this. Just because it took me longer doesn't mean it's real or not. I've meant everything I said. I guess it was too late."
Matt tells Chelsea she's amazing and wishes her the best.
On the walk back to the limo, anger overtakes Chelsea. "To me, she was the falsest person here," snaps Chelsea. "You know what?" Matt sounds testy. "She isn't. The individual I know is different from the individual you know. If you ever think for one second that I'm the kind of person who ends up with the falsest person here, then you don't know me."
Ouch!!!
The cold walk continues until Matt, probably thinking about last words and wanting to leave on good terms says, "I think you do know me though. I'm going to miss you so much."
Chelsea tells us it's the hardest thing to admit to yourself how much you love someone. Chelsea thinks she was too honest, that she doesn't know what happened, and that Matt is a fool.
Shayne's turn.
Matt tells us he's found someone he can spend the rest of his life with lots of love and lots of affection. Shayne's the warmest, most genuine person, he tells us.
Shayne pulls up in her limo.
Chris "I'm Still Your Poppa" Harrison takes Shayne's arm and leads her halfway while Shayne looks like she might spew monkey all over her bright sunshiney baby doll dress.
"I knew as soon as I first saw you--I saw this million dollar smile--and these big brown eyes," says Matt. "I told myself: Matt, this is too good to be true."
"There's been laughter. There's been fun. There's been monkey." Ughhh... this couple is making me hate primates.
"But I've come here not just for six weeks, but I've come here to find someone for life. And I know when I look in those beautiful brown eyes, that you'll always be there for me. And I hope you know that I'll always be there for you. I don't have much more to say."
Matt gets on one knee, and Shayne takes her cue.
SHAYNE [weakly, as if surprised]: Matt!!!
[SHAYNE BATS EYELASHES.]
SHAYNE [once more for emphasis]: Matt!!
[SHAYNE SWAYS AS IF GOING TO FAINT]
MATT: Shayne, I love you.
SHAYNE [still weakly]: I love you.
MATT [with conviction]: Monkey? Will you marry me?
SHAYNE [louder, as if hearing her baby name "Monkey" has given her strength]: Oh my gosh, yes! Matt, I love you! Matt!
[KISSES AND LAUGHTER AND MONKEYS.]
SHAYNE [a little too well-rehearsed]: I will marry you on one condition, that you never look at another woman for the rest of our lives because you have looked at way too many during our relationship.
Shayne and Matt Monkey Montage! (Edited out of this video compilation is the time after the final rose ceremony where Shayne made Matt get that Hotty McHotPants haircut.) One final shot of the happy couple, kissing in the sunset and staying forever in love... until the contract runs up.
Accommodations Provided By... Hilton Hotel Barbados.
With only two women left, it's reunion time. Tonight is the night that girls cut loose, Chris Harrison proves to us how quick he is on his interviewing feet, and we fret at home over WHO MATT WILL CHOOSE.
Enter Chris "Obliterater of Love" Harrison. The crowd (and the two men in the audience) goes wild!
"Next week, we find out who he chooses to be his wife!"
WOOO!, the crowd cries nervously. Please, Chris! Assure us again that Matt really, truly, absolutely finds a wife and TRUE LOVE in America!
Recap on America's Favorite Generous Donner of Undies, Stacey: Stacey is still orange. She says she's embarrassed, that that's not her in that first episode. That's not her passed out on the cot all drunk that night. That's not her, no sir. She gave him the panties to "stand out." "Have you tried that before and has it worked?" asks Chris. "Um, no," says Stacey.
Erin H. tell us that it was her time to put Stacey in place. Nothing like self-righteousness to set people straight!
Marshana says it didn't feel right that Stacey said: "I'm gonna kill all you bitches and your family." Marshana occasionally has very sound reasoning.
"Wise Drunk" Kelly says she likes her underwear too much to hand it out. Zing!
Chris points out that even the "seemingly normal" girls turn out to be crack jobs. Segue to...
HOT SEAT: ROBIN Robin, in her uber-short Forever 21 dress, takes the hot seat after a montage of how nutso she is. She admits that she goes into super-overcompetitive mode with the girls. Chris "Freud" Harrison points out that she was maybe defensive and most likely lonely. Robin admits that she was never hated before this show.
Marshana tells Robin she was abrasive and downright mean. Again, some sound reasoning.
Amanda says the girls weren't jealous, but that they didn't think Robin had the right intentions.
Robin says she was there for the right reasons--to be loved--but not by the girls.
Kelly reassures Robin that she's not her type.
COMMERCIAL: Snoop Dogg performs on One Life to Live on Thursday and Friday! Wishing I didn't have a 9 to 5 job to keep me from this moment in daytime television history.
HOT SEAT: MARSHANA Chris "Captain Obvious" Harrison points out that drama surrounds Marshana.
Montage of Marshana yelling and screaming and crying. More wisdom in this clip from Kelly: Go home, Marshana. You are ridiculous.
"You got fired up!" says Chris. Marshana says that Robin was condescending. Her issue with Chelsea was that Chelsea had made strong opinions on her character without getting to know the REAL Marshana. She adds that Robin was pushing her buttons. Robin says she doesn't know where Marshana's buttons are. Marshana "dismisses" Robin. The crowd gasps.
Amanda says that living with Marshana, Noelle and Robin, she got to know Marshana pretty well and that when Marshana does stuff like "dismissing" people, it's hard to get to know the real person. Kelly says it was intense living with Marshana while Chris quips whether or not Kelly would date Marshana if she were a dude. Zing again!
"Matt is one of our best bachelors ever!" says Chris. "Remember! He doesn't ditch two girls at the last rose ceremony!" But he did leave one girl standing in the last episode. Segue to...
HOT SEAT: MEEPS Meeps Montage. All fun and games until their last date when we see Amanda in-set looking like she's holding in tears and meeps as she watches the footage roll. She does manage a laugh as she calls Matt a douchebag, and the crowd cheers.
Amanda says that she hoped that in watching the show she would learn what went wrong, but she didn't. She also says she never felt more confident than the last rose ceremony when she was sent home. She doesn't understand why Matt never addressed any concerns with her. "If I did have all the qualities of his ideal girl," she says, "then I would have kept me." The crowd goes wild. More sadly, she adds that she thought that him not giving a rose was a prank like her hometown date. Poor Meeps.
But Chris "Emotional Manipulator" Harrison won't leave us on such a sad note!
"I've had a case of chronic hiccups for the past two years," says Amanda. "My mom says there's going to be a meeps montage!" Aaaand, she was right. Although, honestly, ABC really held out. This Meeps Montage was tamer and shorter than what I expected. I'll admit--I'm disappointed.
HOT SEAT: MR. MATT GRANT Looking hotter than ever!! Holy cow. Matt says he was really sad watching all the.... oh my god! look how hot he is!!! Oh, um... Listening to Amanda was really difficult. Matt says that he didn't feel "love" with Amanda. "With Chelsea... (long pause)... and Shayne it was the love word being used." (WHAT DOES THAT PAUSE MEEEEEEANNN???!!! LOOK HOW HOT HE IS!!!!!!!)
Marshana says she felt good leaving knowing that Matt would be with people like Noelle and Amanda.
Chris points out how Robin was really set on getting Matt. Matt laughs, "She was, wasn't she!!" He adds that his favorite moment was when Robin swooped in on him and Shayne all Jaws-like during their skiing date. Ahhh, memories!
And just so we can come full circle, Stacey gets the last laugh with a big pair of cotton undies. I still want to know where this girl goes to grad school in my city. Somebody please fill me in.
One-minute blooper reel makes me wish this whole hour were bloopers. Really. This is the stuff that magic is made of.
Chris asks for some insight on Matt's lady love. Matt says that he is with someone who makes him believe in fate. But the real question is which girl would make him shave his head? Shayne or Chelsea? In my opinion, this hotty-mchotterson buzz cut looks like a Shayne 'do.
Commercial: THE BACHELORETTE WITH DEANNA. Hooray! We could never be happier that Brad turned her away. We get this awesome show instead--get excited!!!
Finally, one last push from Chris "I promise never to destroy love again" Harrison that next week is "the most romantic proposal in Bachelor history." Just in case you forgot...
This evening, I am joined again by John, who is is riddled with a mind-boggling fever. It's OK. Cause it's like Island Fever. Barbados island fever!
3 dates. 3 girls. Let's go.
Date with Shayne Cue: Dramatic Bachelor music. Matt takes an introspective walk along the beach, deep in thought as the waves crash against the sand, sun glinting off Matt's sandy-colored hair and wind rippling his polo shirt against his broad chest. Oh, um, and he reflects on Shayne.
Enter: A frolicking, floppy-hatted Shayne frolicking through the surf and sun, floppy hat flopping. "What a mess!" says John. Matt and Shayne ride some Sea-Doos. "Is she old enough to operate one of those?"
Shayne and Matt also get a gigantic water trampoline. Matt focuses on Shayne's splits in the air while I focus on how cute that bathing suit is.
"Do they have palm treeeeees in London?" Shayne whines.
Shayne really knows how to play the ditz card. Matt thinks so too: "I want to know more about Serious Shayne." Um, good luck.
At dinner, Matt and Shayne discuss her life as a serious actor. "Do you understand that kissing someone on screen is ANYTHING but romantic?" Shayne is clearly exasperated. How many times does she have to explain how UNCOOL it is to be FAMOUS and an ACTOR and everything in her life is SO NOT a big deal. GOSH.
Acting Lesson From Shayne Lamas: To kiss while acting, don't use tongue. Instead, make a fish face and open and shut your mouth. You're welcome.
Shayne admits to Matt that she's blonde and she plays the role, but that if you know her, you know her. LIKE, YOU KNOW HER. Shayne says she is "intellectual," then asks if that was the right word. (It's not.) Matt asks Shayne if she really knows that there aren't palm trees in London. She says she does know that. Yawn.
Shayne needs to know that Matt looks at her that he really sees someone he can be with.When he assures her of that, she says that she is falling in love with him. After a moment pregnant with suspense, Matt says the fact that he is so happy that she feels that way and that he loves... wait for it... wait for it... spending time with her. Ouch.
Shayne reads the Fantasy Date Card outloud, proving to America her literacy. I cannot wait to see Shayne in upcoming Endless Bummer, in which she reads her lines like an eight-year-old asked to read a chapter aloud in class.
Matt and Shayne "get sexy," as ABC promised.
Date with Amanda Matt has been drawn to Amanda since the start, and Amanda tells us that Matt is what she has been waiting for. Yaaaaawn.
Zip-lining! Both Matt and Amanda have a fear of heights, so this is a train wreck waiting to happen. "MEEP!!"
Amanda says she feels woozy around Matt. MEEP! WOOZY! I feel woozy whenever the two of them are together too.
Amanda tells Matt that she has a hard time opening up to Matt and that she likes him more than past boyfriends. They haven't even passed notes yet or anything, but she's that sure. Matt says that he can understand why she is slower to open up if this is the first time she's feeling something like this.
At this point, Amanda should have just stopped talking. She should have just started kissing Matt. But she doesn't. "I've never wanted to be with somebody so bad." (Zzzzz, says John.)
Matt shuts her up with kissing and then presenting her with the Fantasy Suite Card. Amanda is so excited to get the Fantasy Suite card because she wasn't sure whether he'd give her it. Really? Has she looked in the mirror lately? What is this girl worried about?
Amanda feels that she and Matt had a break-through. John's not so sure.
Date with Chelsea Matt wants the chemistry to be right there right away. Let's see how that goes!
Chelsea: Look at the island! It's small! I heard that it's small. Did you hear that? Isn't the weather nice? This island is nice. It's also small. Matt: I hate to use the A-word, but it was awkward. Chelsea: Eww! Hand holding!! Yuuuuuck! Matt: This is the worst date.
To try to salvage the date, ABC brings in some sea turtles. Sea Turtles to the Rescue! Or not.
Matt is mad because Chelsea won't come close to him. "The turtle was closer to me physically than Chelsea. I had better eye contact with a turtle underwater than with Chelsea. I was gutted." Gutted! Like turtle soup. Mmm... turtle soup.
Poor Chelsea. Honestly, though, what an awful way to try to be romantic. Snorkeling? Maybe Chelsea was having a hard enough time breathing through that tube.
At dinner, Matt tells us that if she isn't feeling it, he doesn't want her to pretend.
Matt: I'm confused about us. Chelsea: Shoves some food in her mouth. Matt: If there was a Bachelor for best friend, you would have won.
Yikes! Chelsea tells Matt that she is uncomfortable that there are other girls here, and she has been worried about getting hurt. Matt presents the Fantasy Suite card. Chelsea accepts. (Thank God.) And like the good girl she is, Chelsea comes in with the last minute game-saving play... in a very racy way.
After telling Matt she has a surprise, Chelsea is followed by the whole ABC camera crew into the bedroom where she gets all Demi Moore on us, bare-backed and undie-less. Um, somebody call Stacey from Chicago back. This was supposed to be HER moment!!
Chelsea emerges from the bedroom in a long, sexy black nightdress. At this moment, Matt realizes that Chelsea DOES have a romantic side. Bingo.
Rose Ceremony Everyone looks a little sweaty. Matt tells us that today he is losing someone who he cares very deeply about.
Roses:
Shayne.
Chelsea.
Poor Meeps.
But Meeps gets angry and stands up for herself. I'm shocked, says Amanda. Matt tells Amanda that she has everything he wants, but he had a stronger attraction to the other girls. Amanda tells him that she's a ***** bastard, and Matt tells her that it's a harsh reality and he's sorry he let her down. Meeps holds in the tears until she's in the car, telling us she really thought they were going to get married.
Next week, the Bachelorettes Tell All!
And in two weeks, everyone goes to London. Meet the parents! And don't worry, folks. At every commercial break, ABC promises "the most romantic finale in Bachelor history." No Brad Womack repeats here.
It's our favorite episode--The Hometown Episode! We're promised that it'll be VERY strange. Get excited!
Four "Very Different" American Families: Shayne in L.A. Chelsea in Colorado Noelle in Colorado Amanda in Florida
Shayne and Papa Lamas in Los Angeles Matt is nervous. Shayne thinks that Matt is skeptical. Shayne thinks she's made her intentions clear that she's here to meet Matt and fall in love and NOTHING ELSE.
Shayne and Matt practice her dad's name several time.
Enter: LORENZZOOOOOO LA-MASSSSSSS!!! I think LoLo is channeling that T Mobile commercial with the over-the-daughter's-shoulder wary glance at boyfriend.
LoLo tells us he got married at 21, things didn't work out, and now he's looking out for his daughter.
LoLo: "It surprised me to hear that Shayne was on the Bachelor, Matt. It was the idea of being on television that was enticing to her. The idea of being an actress is appealing to Shayne, but she wants to be a star more."
Shayne is furious. How dare Papa Lolo! She has valiantly fought this comment from Day 1. She tells LoLo and Matto that she would have left if she hadn't been in love with Matt. Don't you know that's the way The Bachelor works, Papa Lolo? You leave if you're not feeling it. Duuuhhh....
During dad-and-dude time, Lo and Matt seem to feel they're both genuine, they totally love one another, they pound rock fists and a couple beers together. Dude.
LoLo and Shayne share some quality father-daughter time, talking about how much Shayne loves Dad Lamas and Matt. Shayne cries in a moment that is better than any script. ABC considers hiring Shayne for bachelorette coaching in future seasons.
Shayne and Mama Shayne in Los Angeles Shayne's mom is a scary warning of what Shayne may turn into if she continues to tan over the next twenty years. Next stop: Collagen City.
"Matt knows I come from a broken family," says Shayne. "That's not something I'm going to hide." Nor can she.
We discover that Shayne bought this house for her mom. Interesting. "I didn't know whether to laugh or cry," says Matt of the decor. Leopard prints! Potpourri! More leopard prints! Fluffy toy dogs!
"I knew we wouldn't be the normal quaint American family. We're a little bit crazy," says Shayne, just to prove a point.
Shayne's mom impresses Matt by cooking an English meal. Or by ordering one for him. Or maybe by ordering ABC to order one for him.
Shayne says her mom is 20 times the firecracker that she is and that her mom will steal the show. Her mom shows off Shayne's tap dancing routine a la 1994 to Matt. To me, this is creepy. Wasn't Matt like in college at this point? If I had been in college in 1994, I wouldn't want to be watching this tap dancing routine by my future wife at the same year. Creepy.
Shayne's little sister is mini-Shayne. Quiet, whiny, wise, full of accessories like that Xena Warrior Princess headband. "Do you looooove him???"
Shayne's mom wants to know how Matt would handle it if Shayne is a successful actress who is making out with lots of hot men on the big screen all the time. Matt seems cool with it.
Matt says he is falling big time for Shayne and would never have expected this to work out so well. Um, me neither. "I'm gonna miss you, Monkey!" says Matt.
Chelsea's Family in Durango, Colorado Matt says that Chelsea has been going hot and cold and he wants her to break down that barrier.
Chelsea warns Matt that she gets really emotional around her parents and being with her family. Matt and Chelsea walk to her house, arms linked, rather than hands held.
Everyone shares a dinner together. Chelsea jokes she doesn't speak "British." Heh. Heh. Heh. Matt tells Chelsea's family that when his dad had a stroke, he realized that he was ready to settle down. Mm, details! I wish ABC would divulge more of these things earlier on.
Chelsea's dad says that Matt doesn't seem to take himself too seriously and that he seems honest. He's impressed. Chelsea admits to her father that she didn't even want to like Matt. Um, then what were you thinking when you signed up for The Bachelor? Was Shayne actually more looking for love than Chelsea? My world is spinning.
Matt tells Chelsea's mom that Chelsea's reservations make him wonder whether she's into him. Her mom explains, a la mama style, that her daughter is only scared about getting hurt. Yawn.
Cut to Chelsea and her dad. On cue, Chelsea's dad tells her to open up and be honest with Matt. Chelsea decides she needs to express her real feelings. She does this by intensely making out with him out by the car. Good move.
Noelle's Family in Loveland, Colorado Matt needs to get to know Noelle better, he tells us.
Matt rides up on a pick-up truck with a "cowboy" accent. They go on a horseback ride together.
Noelle tells Matt that he has all the sides that she doesn't have. They make a full brain together, apparently? I'm not sure if that was really the speech she practiced.
Noelle admits that she was nervous before he got there because her family is a little bit conservative. She's 26, and Matt's only the second guy she's brought home. To meet: her parents and two sisters? Step mom? I'm so confused about who these people are.
Matt's horse stops short of the picnic table. Tally ho!
Matt and Noelle's dad go off to shoot the shit and some horseshoes. Her dad wants to know what kind of person does The Bachelor. Matt doesn't really have a good answer for that.
Noelle tells her sisters and mom that she needs to put herself out there. They agree. So do we.
ABC sets the family up in this awkward dinner table pose via The Last Supper. Even Noelle's dad notices. I would have loved to have seen this set up: Um, the light isn't quite right. You're all going to have to sit on this one side of the table.
Noelle's mom, who looks like she could be Noelle's sister, and Noelle's sister take him out to find out whether he is falling in love with Noelle. He admits that there are a lot of girls at his disposal.
Noelle tells her family that she doesn't let guys in. Matt says that he really wants to get to know Noelle better, that he wishes he could spend more time with her and that she seems like his "ultimate partner."
Amanda's "Family" in Tallahassee, Florida Matt says that family is important to him and he needs to get along with them.
Amanda decided to play a prank on Matt by hiring two actors to play her parents. Amanda's also nervous that this won't go well. So am I.
Fake Mom laughs at everything serious Matt says. Fake Mom's laugh was super-awkward, says Amanda.
Fake Mom wants to know whether they've been intimate. So does Fake Dad.
Matt pounds his beer.
Fake Dad and Matt have a serious conversation alone where Fake Dad plays inquisition on Matt. Fake Mom goes out to interrupt and talk to Matt as Mrs. Robinson.
Fake Mom asks Matt is he's a good boy, calls him a big boy, and starts stroking his nipple. (ABC is not giving us ANY insight into how Matt feels about this in interviews.) Fake Mom rubs her face against Matt and thrusts her breasts in his face.
Amanda, seeing that maybe this is going to the breaking point, breaks the news of the prank to Matt. Matt looks nauseous and then in a later interview admits that it was funny.
Real Mom and Real Dad come out and Matt sighs relief. Matt and Amanda get some alone time together upstairs where he admits that he got got, and well, that's hot.
Rose Ceremony Chris "Love Destroyer" Harrison says that girls look like they're sick and because of that, they obviously know how important tonight is. He encourages them to squeeze their cheeks to get some blood flowing.
Matt seems truly flustered before having to announce his choices.
Roses:
Shayne
Amanda
Chelsea
Noelle gives hugs all the way around. Noelle and Matt get some alone time before she leaves for him to tell her he wishes he had known her better. Noelle blames herself for not opening up sooner. Matt thinks that maybe The Bachelor isn't her scene. They kiss goodbye. Noelle tell us that it's tough being the one who gets sent home but that she had protected herself so much that she didn't make it. She says this happens a lot to her. I want to give Noelle a hug.
Matt says to his final three girls that he is excited to have them with him. And now, vacation time!
Welcome, remaining 9 bachelorettes and America. London is calling.
Chris Harrison arrives to tell us that things are about to get ruh-eeeel! This week, one group date, one 1-on-1 date, and one 2-on-1 date that will send one girl home.
Group Date: Wimbledon in L.A. and High Tea! The Ladies:
Kelly
Chelsea
Shayne
Ashlee
Noelle
Robin
Just like last week's stereotypical English football game with rugby shirts and hot pants, this week's stereotypical tennis match features tight white tennis outfits and pink rackets!
"I know what high tea is!" says Robin. "I don't!" says Shayne. "I can't believe we're having high tea," says Matt. "I don't exactly do that on a regular basis, but okay."
It's tennis time. Shayne thinks her skirt is really big. Kelly may actually be sober while playing tennis. Matt tells us that he cannot control himself around Chelsea today.
Chelsea and Shayne have a gymanstics competition. Robin thinks that this is a scream for attention. She would NEVER sink to this behavior!
Ashlee, who still looks 12, gets some one-on-one time with Matt. Ashlee is wearing a couple small animals on her fat furry coat.
Matt: You seem to take everything in stride. Ashlee: Giggle! Yeah-wait, what does that mean?
Matt: "Ashlee starts singing and I just get mesmerized." (Really?) They kiss.
The other girls aren't buying Ashlee's game either. Whiny, baby-voice Shayne thinks she feels like being around Ashlee is like hanging out with a baby.
Cut back to Ashlee and Matt, still kissing, except now Ashlee's furry coat is off! Scandalous!
Now, high tea. Robin and her family love tea. They traveled the whole world to find tea. Robin doesn't stoop to cheap games, remember. Does anyone want more jam?
Robin pulls Matt away from the girls. Robin says that she's fallen pretty hard for Matt, and Matt says he appreciates that.
Shayne calls Robin out on hogging Matt. Robin cries because she has no girl friends.
Back at the house, Marshana, Amanda, and Holly receive the one-on-one date for Amanda, which means Marshana and Holly will be on the 2-on-1 date.
Matt gives Chelsea the rose for playing great, looking great and charming the English gentleman. Ashlee thinks that sucks! Does what they have mean nothing?? Robin is surprised too! "A rose is a rose," she says, looking only slightly crazed look.
1-on-1 Date with Amanda: 50's Themed!
Amanda wants to be the hot girl on this date and to show Matt her wild side.
Matt has a cute moment where he freaks out about how awesome the ABC-rented car is. They're on their way to a diner.
Amanda shows off how much she knows about cars, and Matt thinks Amanda is the all-American girl.
After chocolate shakes and burgers, Matt asks Amanda to show him some dance moves, and Amanda tries her best.
Back at the house, Marshana and Holly discover that they will be cooking on their date. Robin and Marshana--arguably the two women who are most on edge 24/7--have it out. Marshana breaks down on-camera about how much she loves Matt and then throws some cutlery down as a sign of her anger.
Matt offers Amanda a rose, they kiss, and I discover that Amanda is from Niceville, Florida, which I think is awesome.
ABC can't get in their ferris wheel car, but their cameramen do manage to capture the romantic moment from a different ferris wheel car.
2-on-1 Date: Marshana, Holly, and Some Food
Marshana and Holly are going on their 2-on-1 date. Holly truly believes that something special is happening between her and Matt. Marshana thinks that she and Matt need more time to get to know him. Marshana also thinks that wearing this chef hat will give her an edge.
Their "cooking" date turns into just an "eating" date.
Matt wants to know whether they would be willing to move to London. Marshana is willing to move, so is Holly. Big surprise.
"Put me on an island in the middle of nowhere, and I can survive...as long as I'm with you," says Holly.
Marshana looks like she's going to throw up.
Matt takes Marshana off for her one-on-one date. No guts no glory, says Marshana. I'm sorry we haven't kissed yet, says Matt. Really? What an approach!
Matt and Holly end up on Matt's bed, which Robin had previously been eying last episode.
Matt offers the rose to Marshana, telling her that he wants to get to know her better. Matt explains he found conversation difficult with Holly. Holly feels like she put her heart out and that Matt was giving her some response back. I am really feeling for Holly at this moment because it did seem like Matt was, uh, reciprocating on the bed.
Final cocktail party: In Which We All Drink and Feel Kind of Down Everyone is nervous, which means that Amanda is meeping and Kelly is drunk again.
Bachelor walks in, half-hearted SQUUUEEEEAAAAL!
I'm sad, says Matt. Yesterday was tough.
The mood goes from zero to negative 60.
Matt is so serious! says Ashlee. He's here to find a wife! That's seeeeerious! We can't always rely on looks and music, says Matt. Giiiiggggggle! says Ashlee. Ashlee says that she is okay with being away with family and that it's possible for things to work out between them if she is touring.
Matt takes Noelle aside. Matt asks Noelle to "go for it now," and Noelle promises that she has a lot to offer.
During their one-on-one time, Kelly tells Matt, "Thank you for fitting me in." Matt points out that she's physically cutting him out. Matt is in the middle of a conversation with Kelly discussing this behavior when Kelly decides to rip off the front of her dress. Matt looks like he can hardly believe what's happening until Kelly loses her balance and hits her forehead on her knee. This is the kind of behavior that I saw drunk sorority girls in college pull off, and I always felt bad for them now, and I am really feeling bad for Kelly now too.
Happy to be free of Kelly, Matt finds solace in Shayne who makes baby noises and says she doesn't like shaaaaaaring Matt. Matt somehow finds this attractive and kisses her very softly.
Chris "Love Killer" Harrison arrives to break up this somber party.
Rose Ceremony "There's a different feel here tonight," says Chris "I know because I killed love" Harrison.
Staying:
Chelsea
Amanda
Marshana
Shayne
Robin
Noelle
Goodbye, Ashlee and Kelly. And of course, goodbye Holly.
Kelly makes one last final impression, "I'd be into me. Any dude would want to date me."
Ashlee wants to find someone who sees more in her than a songwriter. I wrote a song for him, and it's much more powerful ad emotional than any words can say. And here, much to everyone's disbelief, she sings once more. One. Last. Time.
Next week: Marshana falls down the slopes of Sun Valley!
Tonight, I have a special guest for male insight into The Bachelor--my boyfriend. Welcome, John, to The Bachelor.
For this evening, we have one group date and two one-on-one dates. First up, one-on-one with Holly--America's favorite children's book writer.
One-on-One Date with Holly Matt: "Hot date! Hot girl!"
For their one-on-one date, Holly and Matt are going to (marketing drum roll, please!) a private screening of Made of Honor! Starring Patrick Dempsey! Opening nationwide this Friday!
Matt and Holly step out onto the red carpet. One large wide shot reveals that this truly is a private screening. A thin group of "paparazzi" (read: tourists who ABC producers paid to hold up cameras and snap photos while yelling 'Holly!' 'Matt!') gather around the couple.
'I am your perfect girl!' Holly cries as she and Matt press their hands into cement, hearts, initials and all. They enter the theater. Cue: Scenes from Made of Honor! Mute the television and hide your eyes if you don't want the thrilling conclusion of this flick ruined.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Hollwood, an ABC production assistant drives across town with the sole mission to dump that big chunk of cement at the door stop of the girls' house. Shrieks of anger ensue.
Back in Made of Honor-wood, Matt and Holly leave the "screening" and head over to the Roosevelt Hotel's rooftop. After a couple drinks and some children's book talk (is that Matt stifling a yawn?), Matt tells Holly he's not so sure there's electricity between the two of them. They're tooooo comfortable.
Electricity, huh? The kind of mind-numbing electricity Shayne gives off, apparently. More on that later.
No worries, Holly. It takes all of one makeout session to assuage Matt's about being too close. Holly gets the rose.
Group Date -- Rugby and Booze Matching outfits! Girls rolling in dirt! Short-shorts! Matt: "People would pay money to see this!" John: *Shifts uncomfortably in seat.* Meanwhile, back at the house, Shayne discovers Holly's dirty little secret--a tan sprayer. SQUEEEEAAAAAL! SELF TANNERS ARE FUUUUNNN!!! Cue: Shots of Shayne with a top on (but no bottoms?), getting sprayed with self-tanner by Holly.
Matt: *Wishing he saw there for this* John: "I'm not going to say anything incriminating right now."
Back in Rugbyville, known in England as Football Land, the going gets tough, and the tough are not Marshana. A busted lip sends her to the sideline while Matt comforts her: "Wassup, honey? Are you hurt?"After this invigorating game of rugby, Matt takes the girl to his "pad" for a party and massages.
Here, our bachelorettes pretend like Matt owns this piece of property and compliment him profusely for his ABC-sponsored home.
Matt's bed! SQUUUUEEEEEAAAAL!!!
I have to insert that I can no longer ignore how much Matt looks like hell. Some producer should have told him to shower before this interview. Matt looks like he has been rolling around in Erin's hot dog vendor machine.
Matt chooses Kelli for one-on-one time...with two masseuses. Kelli won't have that, so she asks the ladies to step aside so she can adequately straddle the Bach and get rubbin'. I'm left wondering once again if Kelli is always drunk. John thinks she's smoked every day of her life for twice as long as she's lived. I still think she's just drunk.
Back to the party!
Red cups! The girls are holding RED CUPS. Is this a KEGGER? What ABC assistant dropped the ball here? This ABC assistant is paying for their mistake with their first born.
Rose time! This rose goes to Robin. There is some disagreement about this--Chelsea thinks she should have gotten the rose. So does Kelli. Kelli also thinks that if she were a dude, she wouldn't pick Robin. Kelli also thinks that Kelli is number one. John thinks Kelli should go to rehab.
One-on-One Date with Shaaaaayne Matt: "Hot date! Hot girl! Hot car!"
They're on their way to the wine country!
Hellooooo, boots! Shayne has a special taste in shoes that is beyond me, but I think I enjoy watching Shayne navigate that stone path in those heels as much as she loves the heels themselves.
Let's find out some more about Shayne Lamas.
Shayne's dad isn't at all important, ok? Like, Lorenzo Lamas is so not a big deal. He's not important. Just check out his IMDB page. See? Not important. Well, maaaybe he's kind of important in the U.S., but their Hollywood lives are not important, ok? Gosh. Why doesn't Matt just LAY OFF?
Also, Shayne had a broken childhood because of a divorce and left home at 17.
She's mature for 22 (maybe), but not really ready for marriage. Matt says that he is. He also says he's leaving room for Shayne to "surprise him" in case there's "more to her" than meets the eye. Riiiight.
Drink drink drink.
Shayne admits that she is high-maintenance. This is by far the most honest moment Shayne has had yet. For the first time yet, she isn't squinting to try to look deep or concerned, she isn't acting. She does, however, have a whole suitcase of shoes with her at the house. (And yet she decided to wear these off-white monstrosities tonight.)
Great Matt moment: "Sometimes I think Shayne's one sandwich short of a picnic. Other times, I think she's the greatest thing since sliced bread."
Shayne and Matt sprawl on the fur rug in front of the fire (J: Isn't this from a 98 Degrees video? Yes, yes it is.)
Matt: You know there is a rose tonight? Shayne: Oh, there is? I didn’t even think of that. Matt: You’re brilliant, really. (J: She is?) M: You have the most beautiful eyes! S squints and makes that deep face. S: Roses are my favorite flowers!! J: Ugh!
Shayne has rose.
Party at the House Chelsea has one-on-one time with Matt and plants a big wet one on Matt. Matt says that Chelsea is a good kisser. John says that Chelsea is trying really hard.
Noelle cries a lot because she feels like she is one of the only real people. Robin explains to her that this is a competition, that she needs to buck up, and just watch this.
Robin then sets an example by pulling Matt away from his one-on-one time with Kelli.
Not to be outdone, Kelli, Amy, and Shayne interrupt Robin to pull her away and set things straight. Even Matt agrees: "Robin, you have a rose."
As the girls back in the house--particularly Marshana--sharpen their nails for Robin's return to the kitchen, I realize that Robin is only 22. This cat is a kitten.
While all the other girls in the house scream at Robin, Kristine escapes to finally talk to Matt. I feel really bad for Kristine, who has gone overlooked through this whole debacle.
Holly pulls aside Matt with tears in her eyes. She’s afraid that it was a mistake she had the first one-on-one date. Her feelings have developed much faster than she expected.
Dun dun dun! Enter Chris "I invented love" Harrison to pull Matt away.
Rose Ceremony Staying: Shayne Robin Holly Amanda Ashlee Kelli Chelsea Noelle Marshana
Viva Las Vegas! Girls with their tops off! Crying! But first, let's get down to business with our first date.
9:02 PM, CDT: Ashlee, Kristine, Marshana, Noelle, Michelle, Amanda, Erin H. and Holly receive Matt's invitation: "Come run away with me!" How romantic! Oh, wait. They're going to a SmashBox fashion show... where the girls are the stars.
Here we see Beauty Queen Marshana shine--she wants to "stomp it out." Woah! Red head Michelle--what the hell happened to her hair? I feel like the crazy vibe is dripping from this girl. Holly impresses with her moon walk. Holy haystack, Batman! What does Ashlee have on her head?? Is that her hair? Should we prod that thing with a pitchfork? More empty promises from ABC. There's no stripping to be seen here: Amanda takes her top off to reveal...a swimming suit top. Cover the children's eyes!
9:12 Penthouse party! Marshana takes the lead and grabs Matt to talk about interracial dating. America shifts uncomfortably.
Michelle reels Matt in. She, like Ashlee, wrote a song. Oh, boy. These sorts of things should be saved for private moments, Michelle. The popular girls on the couch snort at the nerdy girl.
9:15 The girls at home discover they have a far superior date than having to stomp around--going to Las Vegas. SQUEEEEALLLL!!!!
9:16 Back to the penthouse party.
Ashlee wants a kiss. 'I want to know if you're into me!' 'Why wasn't I top 1 on the catwalk??' 'I have been staring at your lips all day.' POUT POUT POUT. Congrats, Ashlee! You guilt-tripped the Bachelor into kissing you.
Matt brings Ashlee a rose, much to the other girls' disappointment.
'It's mine!!!!!!' brags Ashlee, waving it at the other ladies. Classy!
Marshana suggests that Ashlee should be humble, which is the smartest thing Marshana has said so far.
Erin H., Ashlee's elder by three years, says that Ashlee is 'a young 22.' Mm, yes. Wise.
9:23 Matt explains to us that Las Vegas is one of the hot spots in the U.S. Thank you, Matt!
Shayne has been to Las Vegas like, a thousand times, she lets us know. Thanks, Shayne!
The lady with the most chips at the end of the night gets time with Matty. Insert: many gambling=love cliches. Examples? You have to risk to win. It's not seven, but ONE is the lucky number tonight!
Shayne spends all her money at once. Big shocker.
Kelly won the date with the most chips. 'He knows that I'm nice...and that I can handle my alcohol," she slurringly informs us.
Shayne really needs to tell Matt something. 'You have twenty other girls downstairs vying for your attention! Do you think I'm waiting in the wings?' Matt: Everyone's in that position. Everyone else is putting up with it. You shouldn't have an issue with this. Shaaaaaayne: 'Maaaattt! I ammmm having an issue! Is this worth it? Having a guy look at other women?'
Good one, Shayne. Men loooooove this.
9:33 Matt needs more time with the girls...in the Napoleon Room.
Shayne wants to clear up that talk she had with Matt by talking more at him. But there are all these girls in the way of that! Why didn't someone inform Shayne of these other girls? Really. Some producer dropped the ball here. Why didn't someone inform this poor girl that there would be other females present?
Chelsea and Matt have some boring interaction.
Shayne is so serious. She wants to get to know Matt, and Matt only. She's not going to be giddy about it. Gosh. Everybody should grow up.
Robin, who always looks like she's kind of sad, impresses by playing the piano.
Erin S. keeps her conversation to 'Yaaaaay!'
Matt gives Chelsea the rose so she is safe tonight.
Shayne is used to getting her way. She is used to getting a MILLION ROSES. THIS IS NOT FUN FOR HER. Doesn't anyone understand?! She has to lock herself in a bathroom about this and get it out emotionally. Good thing she has those sunglasses that are the size of a small country to cover up her face.
9:42 Hard electro music to Matt's entrance.
SQUEEEEAAAAALLL!!!!
Matt's looking forward to this cocktail party.
Robin plays smart by suggesting that Matt play pretend: They're the only people there. What would he do? Kinky!
Woah! Make. out. session. Despite those feather earrings!
Kelly is drunk already.
Marshana is already jealous. There's always a girl who has weird possession issues despite not having known the bachelor for more than two days. This season, we have two--Marshana and Shayne.
Matt explains to us that he wants to kiss Marshana, but the entire cast is watching at the window.
Carri finally gets her one-on-one time. Annnnd... she sings opera. (Could someone do something else?)
Aaaaand Erin H. decides she's going to sing too. (Apparently not.)
Oh my god. Amanda is too cute. She calls her nervous hiccups the 'meeps.' I still wonder how she's going to get through this.
'Welcome to my set!!!' says Shayne to the camera. 'I want to just say one thing...' Uh, huh. She confesses she was in the bathroom crying. Matt apologizes for being harsh. 'Listen, I'm so OVER the acting thing,' Shayne tells Matt. 'That's my job.' Uh, huh. 'I'm here for you, and I'm here for us. I'm here to stay for you, if you have me.' Uh, huh.
9:48 Talent show time! Where is Erin H.'s singing?! How could this not happen?!
Enter Chris Harrison. 'Man! I hate it when Chris Harrison walks in,' says Matt.
9:51 Rose Ceremony. Ashlee and Chelsea have roses. 'Meep!' says Amanda. Enter Matt.
Who stays: Robin, kiss on the cheek! Holly, Erin S., Amanda, meep! Kelly, who stumbles down to get her rose. Amy, who is this chick? Kristine, again, who is this? Marshana Noelle, who is also wearing feather earrings! Shayne, who looks like she just died a thousand deaths to receive that rose.
Goodbye, Erin H., Michelle, and Carri. Maybe if Erin had sang, or if Carri hadn't (or if she hadn't bit into that can last week), or if Michelle hadn't sang/played the clarinet.
Oh, man. Michelle told us it'll be great to see her cat and have her purr and lay on her lap. This is like the saddest/craziest goodbye I've ever seen.
We may have lost our token cat lady, but at least ABC has promised us more crazies for next week. Until the rugby match...
On a whim, I decided to live-blog the first episode of The Bachelor: London Calling. I loyally watched last season and felt the collective breaking of hearts across America when Brad Womack killed love and destroyed all that is holy and sacred in reality television plots. To re-instill my faith in love (and reality TV), I've returned to ABC to make things right. Let's begin. Hullo, Matt Grant! 8:35 Promises of girl-on-girl drama don't look, well, promising. Lots of the same shots of the same girls screaming and crying. As long as someone can compare to Hilary, then things will be good.
8:37 British bachelor Matt arrives in the rain, looking squinty and uncomfortable. We're off to a great start.
Commercial! Here's something awesome to watch in the meantime:
8:42 Obligatory UK vs. US talk. Mainly Chris Harrison smiles at the Bachelor's cute accent. This will remain a topic of conversation throughout the show. 'Spesh since the girls don't know he's British. (Sneaky twist, ABC!) Squealing to come later. 8:44 "To-MAY-toe, to-MAH-toe!" Chris Harrison giggles.
Matt is into American women! ABC already mentioned this: he loves American accents!
Commercial! This new Miss Guided show looks good. It'll be great to think of that what's-her-face actress as more than just Kitty from Arrested Development.
8:50 The 25 girls arrive!! "There's a break in the rain," says Chris. So take off your clothing, Matt!
The girls are already squealing and they haven't even heard Matt say "to-MAH-toe" yet.
Girl 1 Amanda R. is totally cute. Oooh, she lived in England! Zing!! Something is promising about her. Girl 2 Amy looks like Ariel from The Little Mermaid, focuses her first impression on twirling. Girl 3 Devon is from Texas, which is why she's blonde. More specifically, the blonde version of Amy Winehouse. Girl 4 Kristine from North Carolina. Another southern girl cause that's what ABC does. They put southern blondes on television, which is why I am not on ABC. Girl 5 Chelsea has a special arm wrestling skill! Matt makes a sound that's a cross between moaning and saying okay. Girl 6 Erin H. is wearing a place-holder engagement ring. Classy! Girl 7 Kelly. Um. That's it, really. Nothing of signifcance happened here. Girl 8 Rebecca is an attorney! She has cute hair! Cute dress! 3 years Matt's senior--will he go for that? She may be too intimidating. Girl 9 Denise is a former Bush aide. She might as well get back in the limo now. Girl 10 Erin S. is, um, a hot dog vendor. For serious? Her lips are gi-nor-mous.
Girl 11 Robin is from Holland, Michigan. I have a friend from Holland, MI! Shoutout to Karl Sluis, who most likely is not watching The Bachelor right now. Gril 12 Ashlee looks like she is twelve, and I'm totally disturbed by this fact. Girl 13 Alyssa looks like the girl who may make it through several rounds, and I will continue to scratch my head every time it happens. Girl 14 Michelle the red-head suggests that she and Matt saw each other at the same moment while she sat in the limo. Right. Through those black limo windows, hun. Girl 15 Shayne whines a lot. "I'm Shaaaaayne." (Matt asks her: Where am I from?) "englaaaanddd?? yyaaaaaay!!!" Here's Shayne's picture on ABC's website. She even looks confused here! Girl 16 Marshana is a fashion designer, which she made obvious by her dress, which is a sari really. Girl 17 Amanda looks like she's going to prom in 1987. She gave him dice.
Girl 18 Tamara is "really nervous!" That's it? That's your impression? That's what you say? Clearly, she is not making it.
Girl 19 Holly is from Suffield, Ohio! She says she's not nervous, she's excited. She's also a children's book author, which is cool with me and has got me liking her.
Girl 20 Tiffany is 33, which is on the older side for this show, but her age brings confidence. Again, intimidating confidence. This show is not for brunette older women, Tiffany! It's for 18 year old blonde Texans!
Girl 21 Carri is a church marketer from Oklahoma. This is just the kind of girl who sounds like she's going to leave her hometown and move to London, right?
Girl 22 Stacey--the sparkly blueberry--is a graduate student in Chicago. Fantastic. The girl that has been pimped in the promos as being the underwear-giving ho is from my city.
Girl 23 Lesley is 23 and a youth minister. Another church-going lady! This town is only big enough for one, I'm sure.
Girl 24 Michele R. has zebra hair and a glazed look that suggests Zoloft.
Girl 25 Noelle has the most beautiful dress so far. She outright says she's a sucker for accents, which isn't exactly original, but her cute looks seem to cover for her.
Commercial! Take this moment to recover from all that awkwardness.
9:09 House shot. Squeeeeal!!! "He's dashingly handsome!" We're already practicing our British lingo.
Matt enters the party. SQUEEEEEAAAAL!! Cheers! Bottoms up!
Matt is 6'5", dark and handsome. OK, even I'm impressed. He also said "Picadilly Station," and it was easily the best thing I've heard all day.
Amanda R. brought up intelligence as a reason she likes Matt! Woah. I DO like this Amanda character.
9:12 Up the ante! First impression rose already!!! We're not ready for this yet! It's on the table to make everybody nervous.
Chelsea and Matt are arm-wrestling. Let's discuss the risks of a lady acting so masculine here. Or maybe later.
Oh god. Bushie is talking about politics. Shut up, Bushie. Oh god! Karl Rove was her first boss! Call this girl a cab to take her home.
Carri interrupts by biting into a can. Clearly a production assistant paid her a fiver to do this. Or perhaps this is how she markets churches.
Rebecca, the 30 year old lawyer, dances like Elaine!
Shayne is so confused by this competition thing!
Zebra-hair girl is a rock paper scissors champion! However, she loses to Matt and drools while her eyes start to cross.
Marshana is a beauty queen!
Ashlee giggles a lot and sings!!!
Amanda R is hiccuping a lot. She says this is because she's nervous, but I'm guessing she maaaay have been drinking. Otherwise, she'll be hiccuping through this entire show.
Michelle P., the bombshell red-head, brought her clarinet. "It has to be wet for it to vibrate!" OK, she's really good at clarinet, but this is like a scene from American Pie.
Shayne is STILL BAFFLED by this competition thing!
COMMERCIAL! Nim's Island looks like the worst movie ever made.
9:23 Stacey makes her impression on America, thanks to the casting producers who paid her to lose control on TV.
Um, Erin H. with the Greek hairdo is taking Stacey a little too seriously.
Enter Matt!!
Stacey wants to find a pharmaceutical that will cure something that nobody has thought of. Genius!
What would your ideal date be, Matt? asks Erin H. "If you and I were in London..." cue Bachelor music. Classic!
Matt asks Stacey just how much she actually knows about London. Nasty and saucy!
When Matt gets torn away by Erin S., Stacey puts underwear in Matt's pants. Even more classy!
Really, where do the casting people get these girls? Chicago, apparently.
This whole Stacey segment ends with her passed out on some bed.
Commercial! Take bets with friends on whether Stacey wakes up for the rose ceremony.
9:34 Bachelor returns with minimal electro-music. This is very forward-thinking of ABC.
Matt reveals that he is attracted to Shayne, despite her whiney-whine. She can't see out of her right eye either with all that hair. "You knooooow, I'm an aaaactresssssss." Shayne says that her acting career and her acting family don't really matter. She says this like twelve times.
Noelle takes Matt aside and can't stop smiling.
Wow. Matt and Noelle are talking about more than just his accent. They're both the youngest and they both feel like they act older because of that. This is deep stuff.
Robin, who lived in London, gets pulled aside by Matt. They talk travel and then in French. Clearly having traveled in Europe is a huge advantage here.
9:38 Rose time!!! Matt walks by a bunch of ladies and to... Amanda R.!! ding ding ding!
Matt admits he hasn't actually spoken to her that much, but he feels something special with Amanda. The extra special thing about Amanda R. is how much she looks like Amanda Peet.
9:41 Chris "Grim Reaper" Harrison comes to gather his male soul for the Rose Ceremony. Which lovely buds will be cut before their prime!?
Commercial! Just a thought: Matt must be like the most wonderful bachelor ever if he's following up Brad "Love-Killer" Womack. Really. ABC needs a pinch hitter like whoa, and this Brit seems like just the guy.
9:45 First Rose Ceremony of Love-Killing! Amanda is safe, Chris reminds us, and introduces Matt again. The girls look like they're already hungover from all that vino. Matt's selections:
Chelsea, whose boobs I can no longer ignore. Shaaaaayne, who isn't really important nor is her family, she wants you to know. Michele P., clarinet girl surprises the popular kids. Marshana, whose 'tudey outfit apparently got her in here. Ashlee, whose all smiles now that her music got her somewhere in life. Noelle, whose dress I still love the most. Erin S., who has the biggest damn lips in the United States. Amy, who still kind of looks like the Little Mermaid in that dress. Carri, whose haircut is so edgy and modern for a girl from Oklahoma. Kristine has a sultry voice that I don't remember hearing until now. Robin looks like she was ready to fall apart. Kelly is all laughs. Holly who couldn't get a word in edgewise around the other ladies earlier tonight. Final rose... dramatic music.... heavy breathing... eyes welling with tears... Erin H!
9:52 Matt is the luckiest guy, says Matt. No other bachelor before him has said this--nor did they say in a couple episodes that this is the hardest thing they've ever had to do.
Devon is sad, but her hair still looks like Amy Winehouse.
Rebecca seems really sad and makes me wonder why she put herself in this situation.
Stacey has definitely been outside bars on Wrigleyville, and I've definitely hated on her before. I'll be looking for you outside Barleycorn's, Stacey. Watch your tanning booth ass.
9:53 Cheers--extra-British this time, guys!
Well friends, things look good this season. There's no denying that Matt From Across the Pond is a hot toddy, and it does seem like there may be more traveling this season. That, or ABC showed all the vacation dates one-right-after-the-other. At any rate, the real clencher is that I already CARE about our new bachelor! I genuinely like him! He dances! No more jerk bachelors for ABC, and that's a good thing.
...is a Chicagoan, a writer, and a zealot for really good cheese and chocolate. When she isn't writing at work or from home, she indulges in trashy TV, tries to find sunshine to bask in, and takes advantage of her gorgeous city. Since she cannot own a cat in her apartment, Caitlin collects candles instead.
Contact: c8lin.g_at_gmail.com
More shocking (shocking!) news from Bachelor world as Shayne and Matt have officially broken things off. While this may not come as a surprise to some of us who sensed the tension between the two of them, even as they discounted rumors of their break up at an After the Final Rose pow wow with Chris Harrison. 
