Matt's in London, and he's chucked to be back home. Chucked? What?
[EDIT: "Chuffed," not chucked. A British term for thrilled. Thanks, Anonymous!]
Chelsea in London
Matt and all of ABC has planned for them to go on the London Eye. This has not been a straightforward journey. That's one way to put it. Chelsea tells us that she's excited to be here in her sorority poof hair style.
Brother Simon opens the door: "Hello, Mate!" British English to American English translation: Hi there, brother. Can I have your leftovers?
We meet the rest of Matt's family: mum Trish and father Tony. They're British and they're loaded cause holy cow, what are all those paintings on the wall?
The Grant Family Quiz Show:
Mum: What's the best part of this process?
Chelsea: Matt's light and serious.
Brother Simon: Translate this word: WELLIES.
Chelsea: Rain boots. (Somebody studied on the plane ride over.)
Brother Simon tells us that he's quite taken with Chelsea. She's charming and beautiful, and if Matt doesn't want her, he'll take her.
Mum: What are the most important qualities in your future husband?
Chelsea: A sense of humor--the ability to laugh at yourself and person you're with.
Um, ha? ha? ha?
Chelsea's teeth look very white. Maybe this is the American Teeth vs. British Teeth thing. Or maybe it's just because Shayne and her caps aren't around.
Mum is worried that Chelsea might not be genuine. She's right. It's difficult to tell what's real and what's not when ABC comes rollin' in your London pad. It's kind of like going through the rabbit hole, but with lots of product placement.
Chelsea tells Mum that it's hard to be vulnerable but that she's falling in love, and Mum--predictably--asks if Chelsea is guarding herself. Chelsea says she tries not to, but that she has. Yawn.
After speaking with Chelsea, Mum determines that she's open and honest. Mum appreciated Chelsea "bearing her soul" to her. Obviously, some things must have happened in that little kitchen chat that didn't make it to the final cut.
"How would you think she would cope with our mad family?" Mum asks Matty-dear.
"She's got a mad part too," says Matt.
Translation? Crazy? I'm confused.
Matt says he's starting to piece Chelsea together.
"I adore you, Honey," says Matt. "You know, I'm just so pleased today went so well."
"I'll see you soon, Baby," says Chelsea.
Baby? Honey! What?! Cutie pie names! No Monkey though.
Shayne in London
"Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!" squeals Shayne. Shayne's wearing her British-themed coat to fit in with the locals. When in Rome... "It's beautiiiiiiiiful heeeeeeere, Maaaaatttttt!!"
They take a traditional double-decker bus to Matt's pad. "Look at those guys!!" Shayne points at the London guard. "Don't they get BORED just standing there?" Yawn. Isn't Matt tired of Shayne pretending to be a dumb blond?
"It's just like a movie!" Shayne squeals. Okay, bingo--Shayne WOULD fit right in!
Shayne tell us that she's nervous and is shaking in her boots. Her London-themed boots. She has another dozen boots back in the hotel to match other European cities. Her Madrid boots. Her Paris boots. Her muddy Dutch countryside boots. She's prepared.
Brother Simon answers the door again. "When I first saw Shayne, I thought, wow," he tell us. Yeah, me too, Brother Simon.
"How old are you?" asks Father.
"I'm 12," quips Shayne. (I'm impressed.) "I'm 22. Been on my own since 17." She leaves out the part about her broken family, sparing the Brits her Hollywood sob story.
Shayne reveals she wasn't good at acting. Big shocker. It was a challenge for her and she moved onward and upward. Huzzah!
Shayne asks Brother Simon what his first opinion was of her, and Simon says that Shayne has impressed him and proved his first impression wrong.
Brother Simon has been converted: I think Shayne is genuine.
Mum throws the same question at Shayne as she did at Chelsea. "What are you looking for in a husband?"
Shayne: "I would tell him that this isn't a fairy tale, but you're the person that I'm willing to go through anything with." Thoughtful pause. "I grew up in a broken family." Aghhh, I knew it was coming!
Shayne leaves, and the Grants begin their breakdown of the two girls.
Most at ease? Shayne.
Most passion? Chelsea.
More genuine? Shayne.
Brother Simon's choice? Chelsea.
Father's choice? Shayne.
Mum's choice? "The final decision is yours, Matt." Spoken like a true mom.
Chelsea in Barbados
Matt blindfolds Chelsea and reveals a helicopter. Chelsea screams and squeals a lot.
Helicopter montage. Lots more screaming and squealing--this time with pointing too.
The helicopter arrives on their private beach. Chelsea says they fit well together on the beach.
HILTON HOTEL! HILTON HOTEL! HILTON HOTEL!
"Tonight is my last night to let Matt know how I feel about him," says Chelsea. Chelsea has another surprise--a gift for him. Matt's California Survival Guide. Cereal for breakfast in bed. Surf wax. Map.
Really? That's it? I mean, I understand the sweetness of this gift. But this is your last chance to make a loving impression on this guy, and if you're going to put yourself out there, put yourself out there. And you don't even have to put on lingerie to do it. Apparently, nothing says love like surf wax and directions.
Chelsea says that she's been like a brochure. She has to unfold to reveal the real her. Metaphors! Nice!
"I'm falling in love with you, but I don't feel like you can fall in love with someone unless the other person has the capacity for love too," says Chelsea.
"I'm falling in love with you too, you know that," says Matt. He sounds exasperated. Me too.
"Without doubt, I'm falling in love with Chelsea. She's everything I've ever wanted. She's incredible. I hope we can get through this together." says Matt.
Shayne in Barbados.
Attack of the Hollywood blond! Shayne comes screaming in from behind Matt.
Matt explains that Shayne is a monkey because of the way she cuddles with him. I vomit in my mouth.
Shayne and Matt go parasailing. Shayne says that while she was parasailing, she was an angel up in the clouds, floating and loving Matt.
HILTON HOTEL! HILTON HOTEL! HILTON HOTEL!!!!
Shayne says that she has a present, then squeals and breaks my television set.
Shayne took a photo of herself lying in the sand, having written I LOVE YOU. Good move, Shayne. This is the kind of last night gift that gets you places.
"Matt, it says I love you!" says Shayne, proving that she both wrote the sentence in the sand AND she can read it back. Literacy rules!
"Without a doubt, I'm falling in love with you," says Matt.
Shayne pouts.
"You are the most warm, kindest, most genuine person I've ever met," says Matt.
"Did you like my present?" whimpers Shayne.
"I liked it," whispers Matt.
Did Shayne write the script for this one?
Final Rose Ceremony
Matt has never been this nervous or apprehensive. He never thought he would fall in love with two women. But he chooses a ring anyway.
Chelsea first.
Chris "Pseudo Daddy" Harrison escorts her halfway.
Matt tells Chelsea she owns some amazing dresses. DANGER! DANGER!
We've shared some amazing times. DANGER! DANGER!
When I am thinking about my lifetime partner, DANGER! DANGER! DANGER! I cannot give you what you need.
Chelsea holds herself together relatively well. "I've never had any regrets through this. Just because it took me longer doesn't mean it's real or not. I've meant everything I said. I guess it was too late."
Matt tells Chelsea she's amazing and wishes her the best.
On the walk back to the limo, anger overtakes Chelsea. "To me, she was the falsest person here," snaps Chelsea.
"You know what?" Matt sounds testy. "She isn't. The individual I know is different from the individual you know. If you ever think for one second that I'm the kind of person who ends up with the falsest person here, then you don't know me."
Ouch!!!
The cold walk continues until Matt, probably thinking about last words and wanting to leave on good terms says, "I think you do know me though. I'm going to miss you so much."
Chelsea tells us it's the hardest thing to admit to yourself how much you love someone. Chelsea thinks she was too honest, that she doesn't know what happened, and that Matt is a fool.
Shayne's turn.
Matt tells us he's found someone he can spend the rest of his life with lots of love and lots of affection. Shayne's the warmest, most genuine person, he tells us.
Shayne pulls up in her limo.
Chris "I'm Still Your Poppa" Harrison takes Shayne's arm and leads her halfway while Shayne looks like she might spew monkey all over her bright sunshiney baby doll dress.
"I knew as soon as I first saw you--I saw this million dollar smile--and these big brown eyes," says Matt. "I told myself: Matt, this is too good to be true."
"There's been laughter. There's been fun. There's been monkey." Ughhh... this couple is making me hate primates.
"But I've come here not just for six weeks, but I've come here to find someone for life. And I know when I look in those beautiful brown eyes, that you'll always be there for me. And I hope you know that I'll always be there for you. I don't have much more to say."
Matt gets on one knee, and Shayne takes her cue.
SHAYNE [weakly, as if surprised]: Matt!!!
[SHAYNE BATS EYELASHES.]
SHAYNE [once more for emphasis]: Matt!!
[SHAYNE SWAYS AS IF GOING TO FAINT]
MATT: Shayne, I love you.
SHAYNE [still weakly]: I love you.
MATT [with conviction]: Monkey? Will you marry me?
SHAYNE [louder, as if hearing her baby name "Monkey" has given her strength]: Oh my gosh, yes! Matt, I love you! Matt!
[KISSES AND LAUGHTER AND MONKEYS.]
SHAYNE [a little too well-rehearsed]: I will marry you on one condition, that you never look at another woman for the rest of our lives because you have looked at way too many during our relationship.
Shayne and Matt Monkey Montage! (Edited out of this video compilation is the time after the final rose ceremony where Shayne made Matt get that Hotty McHotPants haircut.) One final shot of the happy couple, kissing in the sunset and staying forever in love... until the contract runs up.
Accommodations Provided By... Hilton Hotel Barbados.
Monday, May 12, 2008
Live Blogging: The Bachelor London Calling, The Final Rose
Monday, May 5, 2008
Live Blogging: The Bachelor London Calling: Women Tell All!
With only two women left, it's reunion time. Tonight is the night that girls cut loose, Chris Harrison proves to us how quick he is on his interviewing feet, and we fret at home over WHO MATT WILL CHOOSE.
Enter Chris "Obliterater of Love" Harrison. The crowd (and the two men in the audience) goes wild!
"Next week, we find out who he chooses to be his wife!"
WOOO!, the crowd cries nervously. Please, Chris! Assure us again that Matt really, truly, absolutely finds a wife and TRUE LOVE in America!
Recap on America's Favorite Generous Donner of Undies, Stacey:
Stacey is still orange. She says she's embarrassed, that that's not her in that first episode. That's not her passed out on the cot all drunk that night. That's not her, no sir. She gave him the panties to "stand out." "Have you tried that before and has it worked?" asks Chris. "Um, no," says Stacey.
Erin H. tell us that it was her time to put Stacey in place. Nothing like self-righteousness to set people straight!
Marshana says it didn't feel right that Stacey said: "I'm gonna kill all you bitches and your family." Marshana occasionally has very sound reasoning.
"Wise Drunk" Kelly says she likes her underwear too much to hand it out. Zing!
Chris points out that even the "seemingly normal" girls turn out to be crack jobs. Segue to...
HOT SEAT: ROBIN
Robin, in her uber-short Forever 21 dress, takes the hot seat after a montage of how nutso she is. She admits that she goes into super-overcompetitive mode with the girls. Chris "Freud" Harrison points out that she was maybe defensive and most likely lonely. Robin admits that she was never hated before this show.
Marshana tells Robin she was abrasive and downright mean. Again, some sound reasoning.
Amanda says the girls weren't jealous, but that they didn't think Robin had the right intentions.
Robin says she was there for the right reasons--to be loved--but not by the girls.
Kelly reassures Robin that she's not her type.
COMMERCIAL: Snoop Dogg performs on One Life to Live on Thursday and Friday! Wishing I didn't have a 9 to 5 job to keep me from this moment in daytime television history.
HOT SEAT: MARSHANA
Chris "Captain Obvious" Harrison points out that drama surrounds Marshana.
Montage of Marshana yelling and screaming and crying. More wisdom in this clip from Kelly: Go home, Marshana. You are ridiculous.
"You got fired up!" says Chris.
Marshana says that Robin was condescending. Her issue with Chelsea was that Chelsea had made strong opinions on her character without getting to know the REAL Marshana. She adds that Robin was pushing her buttons. Robin says she doesn't know where Marshana's buttons are. Marshana "dismisses" Robin. The crowd gasps.
Amanda says that living with Marshana, Noelle and Robin, she got to know Marshana pretty well and that when Marshana does stuff like "dismissing" people, it's hard to get to know the real person. Kelly says it was intense living with Marshana while Chris quips whether or not Kelly would date Marshana if she were a dude. Zing again!
"Matt is one of our best bachelors ever!" says Chris. "Remember! He doesn't ditch two girls at the last rose ceremony!" But he did leave one girl standing in the last episode. Segue to...
HOT SEAT: MEEPS
Meeps Montage. All fun and games until their last date when we see Amanda in-set looking like she's holding in tears and meeps as she watches the footage roll. She does manage a laugh as she calls Matt a douchebag, and the crowd cheers.
Amanda says that she hoped that in watching the show she would learn what went wrong, but she didn't. She also says she never felt more confident than the last rose ceremony when she was sent home. She doesn't understand why Matt never addressed any concerns with her.
"If I did have all the qualities of his ideal girl," she says, "then I would have kept me." The crowd goes wild. More sadly, she adds that she thought that him not giving a rose was a prank like her hometown date. Poor Meeps.
But Chris "Emotional Manipulator" Harrison won't leave us on such a sad note!
"I've had a case of chronic hiccups for the past two years," says Amanda. "My mom says there's going to be a meeps montage!" Aaaand, she was right. Although, honestly, ABC really held out. This Meeps Montage was tamer and shorter than what I expected. I'll admit--I'm disappointed.
HOT SEAT: MR. MATT GRANT
Looking hotter than ever!! Holy cow. Matt says he was really sad watching all the.... oh my god! look how hot he is!!! Oh, um... Listening to Amanda was really difficult. Matt says that he didn't feel "love" with Amanda. "With Chelsea... (long pause)... and Shayne it was the love word being used." (WHAT DOES THAT PAUSE MEEEEEEANNN???!!! LOOK HOW HOT HE IS!!!!!!!)
Marshana says she felt good leaving knowing that Matt would be with people like Noelle and Amanda.
Chris points out how Robin was really set on getting Matt. Matt laughs, "She was, wasn't she!!" He adds that his favorite moment was when Robin swooped in on him and Shayne all Jaws-like during their skiing date. Ahhh, memories!
And just so we can come full circle, Stacey gets the last laugh with a big pair of cotton undies. I still want to know where this girl goes to grad school in my city. Somebody please fill me in.
One-minute blooper reel makes me wish this whole hour were bloopers. Really. This is the stuff that magic is made of.
Chris asks for some insight on Matt's lady love. Matt says that he is with someone who makes him believe in fate. But the real question is which girl would make him shave his head? Shayne or Chelsea? In my opinion, this hotty-mchotterson buzz cut looks like a Shayne 'do.
Commercial: THE BACHELORETTE WITH DEANNA. Hooray! We could never be happier that Brad turned her away. We get this awesome show instead--get excited!!!
Finally, one last push from Chris "I promise never to destroy love again" Harrison that next week is "the most romantic proposal in Bachelor history." Just in case you forgot...
Monday, April 28, 2008
Live Blogging The Bachelor: London Calling: Fantasy Suite Date
This evening, I am joined again by John, who is is riddled with a mind-boggling fever. It's OK. Cause it's like Island Fever. Barbados island fever!
3 dates. 3 girls. Let's go.
Date with Shayne
Cue: Dramatic Bachelor music. Matt takes an introspective walk along the beach, deep in thought as the waves crash against the sand, sun glinting off Matt's sandy-colored hair and wind rippling his polo shirt against his broad chest. Oh, um, and he reflects on Shayne.
Enter: A frolicking, floppy-hatted Shayne frolicking through the surf and sun, floppy hat flopping. "What a mess!" says John. Matt and Shayne ride some Sea-Doos. "Is she old enough to operate one of those?"
Shayne and Matt also get a gigantic water trampoline. Matt focuses on Shayne's splits in the air while I focus on how cute that bathing suit is.
"Do they have palm treeeeees in London?" Shayne whines.
Shayne really knows how to play the ditz card. Matt thinks so too: "I want to know more about Serious Shayne." Um, good luck.
At dinner, Matt and Shayne discuss her life as a serious actor. "Do you understand that kissing someone on screen is ANYTHING but romantic?" Shayne is clearly exasperated. How many times does she have to explain how UNCOOL it is to be FAMOUS and an ACTOR and everything in her life is SO NOT a big deal. GOSH.
Acting Lesson From Shayne Lamas: To kiss while acting, don't use tongue. Instead, make a fish face and open and shut your mouth. You're welcome.
Shayne admits to Matt that she's blonde and she plays the role, but that if you know her, you know her. LIKE, YOU KNOW HER. Shayne says she is "intellectual," then asks if that was the right word. (It's not.) Matt asks Shayne if she really knows that there aren't palm trees in London. She says she does know that. Yawn.
Shayne needs to know that Matt looks at her that he really sees someone he can be with.When he assures her of that, she says that she is falling in love with him. After a moment pregnant with suspense, Matt says the fact that he is so happy that she feels that way and that he loves... wait for it... wait for it... spending time with her. Ouch.
Shayne reads the Fantasy Date Card outloud, proving to America her literacy. I cannot wait to see Shayne in upcoming Endless Bummer, in which she reads her lines like an eight-year-old asked to read a chapter aloud in class.
Matt and Shayne "get sexy," as ABC promised.
Date with Amanda
Matt has been drawn to Amanda since the start, and Amanda tells us that Matt is what she has been waiting for. Yaaaaawn.
Zip-lining! Both Matt and Amanda have a fear of heights, so this is a train wreck waiting to happen. "MEEP!!"
Amanda says she feels woozy around Matt. MEEP! WOOZY! I feel woozy whenever the two of them are together too.
Amanda tells Matt that she has a hard time opening up to Matt and that she likes him more than past boyfriends. They haven't even passed notes yet or anything, but she's that sure. Matt says that he can understand why she is slower to open up if this is the first time she's feeling something like this.
At this point, Amanda should have just stopped talking. She should have just started kissing Matt. But she doesn't. "I've never wanted to be with somebody so bad." (Zzzzz, says John.)
Matt shuts her up with kissing and then presenting her with the Fantasy Suite Card. Amanda is so excited to get the Fantasy Suite card because she wasn't sure whether he'd give her it. Really? Has she looked in the mirror lately? What is this girl worried about?
Amanda feels that she and Matt had a break-through. John's not so sure.
Date with Chelsea
Matt wants the chemistry to be right there right away. Let's see how that goes!
Chelsea: Look at the island! It's small! I heard that it's small. Did you hear that? Isn't the weather nice? This island is nice. It's also small.
Matt: I hate to use the A-word, but it was awkward.
Chelsea: Eww! Hand holding!! Yuuuuuck!
Matt: This is the worst date.
To try to salvage the date, ABC brings in some sea turtles. Sea Turtles to the Rescue! Or not.
Matt is mad because Chelsea won't come close to him. "The turtle was closer to me physically than Chelsea. I had better eye contact with a turtle underwater than with Chelsea. I was gutted." Gutted! Like turtle soup. Mmm... turtle soup.
Poor Chelsea. Honestly, though, what an awful way to try to be romantic. Snorkeling? Maybe Chelsea was having a hard enough time breathing through that tube.
At dinner, Matt tells us that if she isn't feeling it, he doesn't want her to pretend.
Matt: I'm confused about us.
Chelsea: Shoves some food in her mouth.
Matt: If there was a Bachelor for best friend, you would have won.
Yikes! Chelsea tells Matt that she is uncomfortable that there are other girls here, and she has been worried about getting hurt. Matt presents the Fantasy Suite card. Chelsea accepts. (Thank God.) And like the good girl she is, Chelsea comes in with the last minute game-saving play... in a very racy way.
After telling Matt she has a surprise, Chelsea is followed by the whole ABC camera crew into the bedroom where she gets all Demi Moore on us, bare-backed and undie-less. Um, somebody call Stacey from Chicago back. This was supposed to be HER moment!!
Chelsea emerges from the bedroom in a long, sexy black nightdress. At this moment, Matt realizes that Chelsea DOES have a romantic side. Bingo.
Rose Ceremony
Everyone looks a little sweaty. Matt tells us that today he is losing someone who he cares very deeply about.
Roses:
- Shayne.
- Chelsea.
But Meeps gets angry and stands up for herself. I'm shocked, says Amanda. Matt tells Amanda that she has everything he wants, but he had a stronger attraction to the other girls. Amanda tells him that she's a ***** bastard, and Matt tells her that it's a harsh reality and he's sorry he let her down. Meeps holds in the tears until she's in the car, telling us she really thought they were going to get married.
Next week, the Bachelorettes Tell All!
And in two weeks, everyone goes to London. Meet the parents! And don't worry, folks. At every commercial break, ABC promises "the most romantic finale in Bachelor history." No Brad Womack repeats here.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Live Blogging: The Bachelor London Calling, Hometown Episode
It's our favorite episode--The Hometown Episode! We're promised that it'll be VERY strange. Get excited!
Four "Very Different" American Families:
Shayne in L.A.
Chelsea in Colorado
Noelle in Colorado
Amanda in Florida
Shayne and Papa Lamas in Los Angeles
Matt is nervous. Shayne thinks that Matt is skeptical. Shayne thinks she's made her intentions clear that she's here to meet Matt and fall in love and NOTHING ELSE.
Shayne and Matt practice her dad's name several time.
Enter: LORENZZOOOOOO LA-MASSSSSSS!!! I think LoLo is channeling that T Mobile commercial with the over-the-daughter's-shoulder wary glance at boyfriend.
LoLo tells us he got married at 21, things didn't work out, and now he's looking out for his daughter.
LoLo: "It surprised me to hear that Shayne was on the Bachelor, Matt. It was the idea of being on television that was enticing to her. The idea of being an actress is appealing to Shayne, but she wants to be a star more."
Shayne is furious. How dare Papa Lolo! She has valiantly fought this comment from Day 1. She tells LoLo and Matto that she would have left if she hadn't been in love with Matt. Don't you know that's the way The Bachelor works, Papa Lolo? You leave if you're not feeling it. Duuuhhh....
During dad-and-dude time, Lo and Matt seem to feel they're both genuine, they totally love one another, they pound rock fists and a couple beers together. Dude.
LoLo and Shayne share some quality father-daughter time, talking about how much Shayne loves Dad Lamas and Matt. Shayne cries in a moment that is better than any script. ABC considers hiring Shayne for bachelorette coaching in future seasons.
Shayne and Mama Shayne in Los Angeles
Shayne's mom is a scary warning of what Shayne may turn into if she continues to tan over the next twenty years. Next stop: Collagen City.
"Matt knows I come from a broken family," says Shayne. "That's not something I'm going to hide." Nor can she.
We discover that Shayne bought this house for her mom. Interesting. "I didn't know whether to laugh or cry," says Matt of the decor. Leopard prints! Potpourri! More leopard prints! Fluffy toy dogs!
"I knew we wouldn't be the normal quaint American family. We're a little bit crazy," says Shayne, just to prove a point.
Shayne's mom impresses Matt by cooking an English meal. Or by ordering one for him. Or maybe by ordering ABC to order one for him.
Shayne says her mom is 20 times the firecracker that she is and that her mom will steal the show. Her mom shows off Shayne's tap dancing routine a la 1994 to Matt. To me, this is creepy. Wasn't Matt like in college at this point? If I had been in college in 1994, I wouldn't want to be watching this tap dancing routine by my future wife at the same year. Creepy.
Shayne's little sister is mini-Shayne. Quiet, whiny, wise, full of accessories like that Xena Warrior Princess headband. "Do you looooove him???"
Shayne's mom wants to know how Matt would handle it if Shayne is a successful actress who is making out with lots of hot men on the big screen all the time. Matt seems cool with it.
Matt says he is falling big time for Shayne and would never have expected this to work out so well. Um, me neither. "I'm gonna miss you, Monkey!" says Matt.
Chelsea's Family in Durango, Colorado
Matt says that Chelsea has been going hot and cold and he wants her to break down that barrier.
Chelsea warns Matt that she gets really emotional around her parents and being with her family. Matt and Chelsea walk to her house, arms linked, rather than hands held.
Everyone shares a dinner together. Chelsea jokes she doesn't speak "British." Heh. Heh. Heh. Matt tells Chelsea's family that when his dad had a stroke, he realized that he was ready to settle down. Mm, details! I wish ABC would divulge more of these things earlier on.
Chelsea's dad says that Matt doesn't seem to take himself too seriously and that he seems honest. He's impressed. Chelsea admits to her father that she didn't even want to like Matt. Um, then what were you thinking when you signed up for The Bachelor? Was Shayne actually more looking for love than Chelsea? My world is spinning.
Matt tells Chelsea's mom that Chelsea's reservations make him wonder whether she's into him. Her mom explains, a la mama style, that her daughter is only scared about getting hurt. Yawn.
Cut to Chelsea and her dad. On cue, Chelsea's dad tells her to open up and be honest with Matt. Chelsea decides she needs to express her real feelings. She does this by intensely making out with him out by the car. Good move.
Noelle's Family in Loveland, Colorado
Matt needs to get to know Noelle better, he tells us.
Matt rides up on a pick-up truck with a "cowboy" accent. They go on a horseback ride together.
Noelle tells Matt that he has all the sides that she doesn't have. They make a full brain together, apparently? I'm not sure if that was really the speech she practiced.
Noelle admits that she was nervous before he got there because her family is a little bit conservative. She's 26, and Matt's only the second guy she's brought home. To meet: her parents and two sisters? Step mom? I'm so confused about who these people are.
Matt's horse stops short of the picnic table. Tally ho!
Matt and Noelle's dad go off to shoot the shit and some horseshoes. Her dad wants to know what kind of person does The Bachelor. Matt doesn't really have a good answer for that.
Noelle tells her sisters and mom that she needs to put herself out there. They agree. So do we.
ABC sets the family up in this awkward dinner table pose via The Last Supper. Even Noelle's dad notices. I would have loved to have seen this set up: Um, the light isn't quite right. You're all going to have to sit on this one side of the table.
Noelle's mom, who looks like she could be Noelle's sister, and Noelle's sister take him out to find out whether he is falling in love with Noelle. He admits that there are a lot of girls at his disposal.
Noelle tells her family that she doesn't let guys in. Matt says that he really wants to get to know Noelle better, that he wishes he could spend more time with her and that she seems like his "ultimate partner."
Amanda's "Family" in Tallahassee, Florida
Matt says that family is important to him and he needs to get along with them.
Amanda decided to play a prank on Matt by hiring two actors to play her parents. Amanda's also nervous that this won't go well. So am I.
Fake Mom laughs at everything serious Matt says. Fake Mom's laugh was super-awkward, says Amanda.
Fake Mom wants to know whether they've been intimate. So does Fake Dad.
Matt pounds his beer.
Fake Dad and Matt have a serious conversation alone where Fake Dad plays inquisition on Matt. Fake Mom goes out to interrupt and talk to Matt as Mrs. Robinson.
Fake Mom asks Matt is he's a good boy, calls him a big boy, and starts stroking his nipple. (ABC is not giving us ANY insight into how Matt feels about this in interviews.) Fake Mom rubs her face against Matt and thrusts her breasts in his face.
Amanda, seeing that maybe this is going to the breaking point, breaks the news of the prank to Matt. Matt looks nauseous and then in a later interview admits that it was funny.
Real Mom and Real Dad come out and Matt sighs relief. Matt and Amanda get some alone time together upstairs where he admits that he got got, and well, that's hot.
Rose Ceremony
Chris "Love Destroyer" Harrison says that girls look like they're sick and because of that, they obviously know how important tonight is. He encourages them to squeeze their cheeks to get some blood flowing.
Matt seems truly flustered before having to announce his choices.
Roses:
- Shayne
- Amanda
- Chelsea
Matt says to his final three girls that he is excited to have them with him. And now, vacation time!