Live Blogging: The Bachelor London Calling: Women Tell All!

With only two women left, it's reunion time. Tonight is the night that girls cut loose, Chris Harrison proves to us how quick he is on his interviewing feet, and we fret at home over WHO MATT WILL CHOOSE.


Enter Chris "Obliterater of Love" Harrison. The crowd (and the two men in the audience) goes wild!

"Next week, we find out who he chooses to be his wife!"

WOOO!, the crowd cries nervously. Please, Chris! Assure us again that Matt really, truly, absolutely finds a wife and TRUE LOVE in America!

Recap on America's Favorite Generous Donner of Undies, Stacey:
Stacey is still orange. She says she's embarrassed, that that's not her in that first episode. That's not her passed out on the cot all drunk that night. That's not her, no sir. She gave him the panties to "stand out." "Have you tried that before and has it worked?" asks Chris. "Um, no," says Stacey.

Erin H. tell us that it was her time to put Stacey in place. Nothing like self-righteousness to set people straight!

Marshana says it didn't feel right that Stacey said: "I'm gonna kill all you bitches and your family." Marshana occasionally has very sound reasoning.

"Wise Drunk" Kelly says she likes her underwear too much to hand it out. Zing!


Chris points out that even the "seemingly normal" girls turn out to be crack jobs. Segue to...

HOT SEAT: ROBIN
Robin, in her uber-short Forever 21 dress, takes the hot seat after a montage of how nutso she is. She admits that she goes into super-overcompetitive mode with the girls. Chris "Freud" Harrison points out that she was maybe defensive and most likely lonely. Robin admits that she was never hated before this show.

Marshana tells Robin she was abrasive and downright mean. Again, some sound reasoning.

Amanda says the girls weren't jealous, but that they didn't think Robin had the right intentions.

Robin says she was there for the right reasons--to be loved--but not by the girls.

Kelly reassures Robin that she's not her type.


COMMERCIAL: Snoop Dogg performs on One Life to Live on Thursday and Friday! Wishing I didn't have a 9 to 5 job to keep me from this moment in daytime television history.


HOT SEAT: MARSHANA
Chris "Captain Obvious" Harrison points out that drama surrounds Marshana.

Montage of Marshana yelling and screaming and crying. More wisdom in this clip from Kelly: Go home, Marshana. You are ridiculous.

"You got fired up!" says Chris.
Marshana says that Robin was condescending. Her issue with Chelsea was that Chelsea had made strong opinions on her character without getting to know the REAL Marshana. She adds that Robin was pushing her buttons. Robin says she doesn't know where Marshana's buttons are. Marshana "dismisses" Robin. The crowd gasps.

Amanda says that living with Marshana, Noelle and Robin, she got to know Marshana pretty well and that when Marshana does stuff like "dismissing" people, it's hard to get to know the real person. Kelly says it was intense living with Marshana while Chris quips whether or not Kelly would date Marshana if she were a dude. Zing again!


"Matt is one of our best bachelors ever!" says Chris. "Remember! He doesn't ditch two girls at the last rose ceremony!" But he did leave one girl standing in the last episode. Segue to...

HOT SEAT: MEEPS
Meeps Montage. All fun and games until their last date when we see Amanda in-set looking like she's holding in tears and meeps as she watches the footage roll. She does manage a laugh as she calls Matt a douchebag, and the crowd cheers.

Amanda says that she hoped that in watching the show she would learn what went wrong, but she didn't. She also says she never felt more confident than the last rose ceremony when she was sent home. She doesn't understand why Matt never addressed any concerns with her.
"If I did have all the qualities of his ideal girl," she says, "then I would have kept me." The crowd goes wild. More sadly, she adds that she thought that him not giving a rose was a prank like her hometown date. Poor Meeps.

But Chris "Emotional Manipulator" Harrison won't leave us on such a sad note!

"I've had a case of chronic hiccups for the past two years," says Amanda. "My mom says there's going to be a meeps montage!" Aaaand, she was right. Although, honestly, ABC really held out. This Meeps Montage was tamer and shorter than what I expected. I'll admit--I'm disappointed.


HOT SEAT: MR. MATT GRANT
Looking hotter than ever!! Holy cow. Matt says he was really sad watching all the.... oh my god! look how hot he is!!! Oh, um... Listening to Amanda was really difficult. Matt says that he didn't feel "love" with Amanda. "With Chelsea... (long pause)... and Shayne it was the love word being used." (WHAT DOES THAT PAUSE MEEEEEEANNN???!!! LOOK HOW HOT HE IS!!!!!!!)

Marshana says she felt good leaving knowing that Matt would be with people like Noelle and Amanda.

Chris points out how Robin was really set on getting Matt. Matt laughs, "She was, wasn't she!!" He adds that his favorite moment was when Robin swooped in on him and Shayne all Jaws-like during their skiing date. Ahhh, memories!

And just so we can come full circle, Stacey gets the last laugh with a big pair of cotton undies. I still want to know where this girl goes to grad school in my city. Somebody please fill me in.

One-minute blooper reel makes me wish this whole hour were bloopers. Really. This is the stuff that magic is made of.

Chris asks for some insight on Matt's lady love. Matt says that he is with someone who makes him believe in fate. But the real question is which girl would make him shave his head? Shayne or Chelsea? In my opinion, this hotty-mchotterson buzz cut looks like a Shayne 'do.


Commercial: THE BACHELORETTE WITH DEANNA. Hooray! We could never be happier that Brad turned her away. We get this awesome show instead--get excited!!!


Finally, one last push from Chris "I promise never to destroy love again" Harrison that next week is "the most romantic proposal in Bachelor history." Just in case you forgot...

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Live-Blogging The Bachelor: London Calling

On a whim, I decided to live-blog the first episode of The Bachelor: London Calling. I loyally watched last season and felt the collective breaking of hearts across America when Brad Womack killed love and destroyed all that is holy and sacred in reality television plots. To re-instill my faith in love (and reality TV), I've returned to ABC to make things right. Let's begin. Hullo, Matt Grant!

8:35 Promises of girl-on-girl drama don't look, well, promising. Lots of the same shots of the same girls screaming and crying. As long as someone can compare to Hilary, then things will be good.

8:37 British bachelor Matt arrives in the rain, looking squinty and uncomfortable. We're off to a great start.

Commercial! Here's something awesome to watch in the meantime:



8:42 Obligatory UK vs. US talk. Mainly Chris Harrison smiles at the Bachelor's cute accent. This will remain a topic of conversation throughout the show. 'Spesh since the girls don't know he's British. (Sneaky twist, ABC!) Squealing to come later.

8:44 "To-MAY-toe, to-MAH-toe!" Chris Harrison giggles.

Matt is into American women! ABC already mentioned this: he loves American accents!

Commercial! This new Miss Guided show looks good. It'll be great to think of that what's-her-face actress as more than just Kitty from Arrested Development.

8:50 The 25 girls arrive!! "There's a break in the rain," says Chris. So take off your clothing, Matt!

The girls are already squealing and they haven't even heard Matt say "to-MAH-toe" yet.

Girl 1 Amanda R. is totally cute. Oooh, she lived in England! Zing!! Something is promising about her.

Girl 2 Amy looks like Ariel from The Little Mermaid, focuses her first impression on twirling.

Girl 3 Devon is from Texas, which is why she's blonde. More specifically, the blonde version of Amy Winehouse.

Girl 4 Kristine from North Carolina. Another southern girl cause that's what ABC does. They put southern blondes on television, which is why I am not on ABC.

Girl 5 Chelsea has a special arm wrestling skill! Matt makes a sound that's a cross between moaning and saying okay.

Girl 6 Erin H. is wearing a place-holder engagement ring. Classy!

Girl 7 Kelly. Um. That's it, really. Nothing of signifcance happened here.

Girl 8 Rebecca is an attorney! She has cute hair! Cute dress! 3 years Matt's senior--will he go for that? She may be too intimidating.

Girl 9 Denise is a former Bush aide. She might as well get back in the limo now.

Girl 10 Erin S. is, um, a hot dog vendor. For serious? Her lips are gi-nor-mous.

Girl 11 Robin is from Holland, Michigan. I have a friend from Holland, MI! Shoutout to Karl Sluis, who most likely is not watching The Bachelor right now.

Gril 12 Ashlee looks like she is twelve, and I'm totally disturbed by this fact.

Girl 13 Alyssa looks like the girl who may make it through several rounds, and I will continue to scratch my head every time it happens.

Girl 14 Michelle the red-head suggests that she and Matt saw each other at the same moment while she sat in the limo. Right. Through those black limo windows, hun.

Girl 15 Shayne whines a lot. "I'm Shaaaaayne." (Matt asks her: Where am I from?) "englaaaanddd?? yyaaaaaay!!!" Here's Shayne's picture on ABC's website. She even looks confused here!

Girl 16 Marshana is a fashion designer, which she made obvious by her dress, which is a sari really.

Girl 17 Amanda looks like she's going to prom in 1987. She gave him dice.

Girl 18 Tamara is "really nervous!" That's it? That's your impression? That's what you say? Clearly, she is not making it.

Girl 19 Holly is from Suffield, Ohio! She says she's not nervous, she's excited. She's also a children's book author, which is cool with me and has got me liking her.

Girl 20 Tiffany is 33, which is on the older side for this show, but her age brings confidence. Again, intimidating confidence. This show is not for brunette older women, Tiffany! It's for 18 year old blonde Texans!

Girl 21 Carri is a church marketer from Oklahoma. This is just the kind of girl who sounds like she's going to leave her hometown and move to London, right?

Girl 22 Stacey--the sparkly blueberry--is a graduate student in Chicago. Fantastic. The girl that has been pimped in the promos as being the underwear-giving ho is from my city.

Girl 23 Lesley is 23 and a youth minister. Another church-going lady! This town is only big enough for one, I'm sure.

Girl 24 Michele R. has zebra hair and a glazed look that suggests Zoloft.

Girl 25 Noelle has the most beautiful dress so far. She outright says she's a sucker for accents, which isn't exactly original, but her cute looks seem to cover for her.

Commercial! Take this moment to recover from all that awkwardness.


9:09 House shot. Squeeeeal!!! "He's dashingly handsome!" We're already practicing our British lingo.

Matt enters the party. SQUEEEEEAAAAL!! Cheers! Bottoms up!

Matt is 6'5", dark and handsome. OK, even I'm impressed. He also said "Picadilly Station," and it was easily the best thing I've heard all day.

Amanda R. brought up intelligence as a reason she likes Matt! Woah. I DO like this Amanda character.


9:12 Up the ante! First impression rose already!!! We're not ready for this yet! It's on the table to make everybody nervous.

Chelsea and Matt are arm-wrestling. Let's discuss the risks of a lady acting so masculine here. Or maybe later.

Oh god. Bushie is talking about politics. Shut up, Bushie. Oh god! Karl Rove was her first boss! Call this girl a cab to take her home.

Carri interrupts by biting into a can. Clearly a production assistant paid her a fiver to do this. Or perhaps this is how she markets churches.

Rebecca, the 30 year old lawyer, dances like Elaine!

Shayne is so confused by this competition thing!

Zebra-hair girl is a rock paper scissors champion! However, she loses to Matt and drools while her eyes start to cross.

Marshana is a beauty queen!

Ashlee giggles a lot and sings!!!

Amanda R is hiccuping a lot. She says this is because she's nervous, but I'm guessing she maaaay have been drinking. Otherwise, she'll be hiccuping through this entire show.

Michelle P., the bombshell red-head, brought her clarinet. "It has to be wet for it to vibrate!" OK, she's really good at clarinet, but this is like a scene from American Pie.

Shayne is STILL BAFFLED by this competition thing!


COMMERCIAL! Nim's Island looks like the worst movie ever made.


9:23 Stacey makes her impression on America, thanks to the casting producers who paid her to lose control on TV.

Um, Erin H. with the Greek hairdo is taking Stacey a little too seriously.

Enter Matt!!

Stacey wants to find a pharmaceutical that will cure something that nobody has thought of. Genius!

What would your ideal date be, Matt? asks Erin H. "If you and I were in London..." cue Bachelor music. Classic!

Matt asks Stacey just how much she actually knows about London. Nasty and saucy!

When Matt gets torn away by Erin S., Stacey puts underwear in Matt's pants. Even more classy!

Really, where do the casting people get these girls? Chicago, apparently.

This whole Stacey segment ends with her passed out on some bed.


Commercial! Take bets with friends on whether Stacey wakes up for the rose ceremony.


9:34 Bachelor returns with minimal electro-music. This is very forward-thinking of ABC.

Matt reveals that he is attracted to Shayne, despite her whiney-whine. She can't see out of her right eye either with all that hair. "You knooooow, I'm an aaaactresssssss." Shayne says that her acting career and her acting family don't really matter. She says this like twelve times.

Noelle takes Matt aside and can't stop smiling.

Wow. Matt and Noelle are talking about more than just his accent. They're both the youngest and they both feel like they act older because of that. This is deep stuff.

Robin, who lived in London, gets pulled aside by Matt. They talk travel and then in French. Clearly having traveled in Europe is a huge advantage here.

9:38 Rose time!!! Matt walks by a bunch of ladies and to... Amanda R.!! ding ding ding!

Matt admits he hasn't actually spoken to her that much, but he feels something special with Amanda. The extra special thing about Amanda R. is how much she looks like Amanda Peet.

9:41 Chris "Grim Reaper" Harrison comes to gather his male soul for the Rose Ceremony. Which lovely buds will be cut before their prime!?


Commercial! Just a thought: Matt must be like the most wonderful bachelor ever if he's following up Brad "Love-Killer" Womack. Really. ABC needs a pinch hitter like whoa, and this Brit seems like just the guy.


9:45 First Rose Ceremony of Love-Killing! Amanda is safe, Chris reminds us, and introduces Matt again. The girls look like they're already hungover from all that vino. Matt's selections:

Chelsea, whose boobs I can no longer ignore.
Shaaaaayne, who isn't really important nor is her family, she wants you to know.
Michele P., clarinet girl surprises the popular kids.
Marshana, whose 'tudey outfit apparently got her in here.
Ashlee, whose all smiles now that her music got her somewhere in life.
Noelle, whose dress I still love the most.
Erin S., who has the biggest damn lips in the United States.
Amy, who still kind of looks like the Little Mermaid in that dress.
Carri, whose haircut is so edgy and modern for a girl from Oklahoma.
Kristine has a sultry voice that I don't remember hearing until now.
Robin looks like she was ready to fall apart.
Kelly is all laughs.
Holly who couldn't get a word in edgewise around the other ladies earlier tonight.
Final rose... dramatic music.... heavy breathing... eyes welling with tears... Erin H!

9:52 Matt is the luckiest guy, says Matt. No other bachelor before him has said this--nor did they say in a couple episodes that this is the hardest thing they've ever had to do.

Devon is sad, but her hair still looks like Amy Winehouse.

Rebecca seems really sad and makes me wonder why she put herself in this situation.

Stacey has definitely been outside bars on Wrigleyville, and I've definitely hated on her before. I'll be looking for you outside Barleycorn's, Stacey. Watch your tanning booth ass.

9:53 Cheers--extra-British this time, guys!


Well friends, things look good this season. There's no denying that Matt From Across the Pond is a hot toddy, and it does seem like there may be more traveling this season. That, or ABC showed all the vacation dates one-right-after-the-other. At any rate, the real clencher is that I already CARE about our new bachelor! I genuinely like him! He dances! No more jerk bachelors for ABC, and that's a good thing.

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