Chris Harrison kicks us off this episode with another over-extended recap of the entire season, which thankfully only lasts about about five minutes. (As compared with last week’s twenty-five minute rehashing—this was a welcome break.)
So here we finally are on our Fantasy Dates! One man. Three beautiful women. On the dates of a lifetime. And in one of the most beautiful places in the world: New Zealand!!
Here we are in Seattle at the Sleepless house once more with Jason packin’ up to head out to NZ. It’ll be hard to say goodbye to Ty again, Jason tells us. (Really? It’s starting to feel like he’s a pro at it.) ABC’s production assistants did a nice job on this one, cuing up a framed shot of Ty’s baby picture next to a framed shot of him and Dad together, throw in some keys, a plane ticket all thrown on the dresser, and bam! Emotion. THIS is how television is made.
Rehashing the ladies one more time for us, I do pick up on some new details.
Re: Jillian. Way back when Jillian was rocking the side ponytail and the hot dog shtick, ABC used gaffe tape to cover up the French’s Mustard label. Nice! Oh, and the same old same old about how Jillian needs to be more than a friend. Yawn. “If there’s passion, I can see myself married to Jillian.”
Re: Molly. Jason tells us that he thinks that Molly was kind of held back at first. If you’ll recall, Molly’s special talent was “kissing,” which Jason found very reserved. That’s why he invited her over for the overnight date. “On our first date, Molly slept over—I mean, we totally hit it in the Tent of Love! I mean, she spent the night slumber-party style with two separate sleeping bags, kids.” Jason’s V/O keeps things nice and vague: “We need our relationship to go to the next level--” (Read: They need to start doing more than just flirt and stare into one another’s eyes and chew one each other’s faces.) “If that happens, Molly is someone I could spend the rest of my life with.”
Re: Melissa. “Melissa immediately reminded me of my ex and of Deanna,” Jason tells us. Fantastic. Sounds healthy. We also got a nice flashback to that emotional wrap party, and I suddenly realize how alcohol-fueled all those tears were. So what’s holding Jason back from Melissa. Her terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad family. The fact that they didn’t’ show for the hometown date made Jason question “whether Melissa is really serious.” Uhhh… Okay. So Jason now wants to spend his time with Melissa in NZ getting to know why she had to insist on her parents not wanting to meet him. Great.
Welcome to New Zealand!
Jason visits yet another beach—this time wearing his shirt—where he tells us that these fantasy dates are an opportunity to spend some real “quality” time, “and more than that, we get to spend the night together!” Oh, and uh, he’s gonna be spending time with his future wife.
Fantasy Date with Jillian
Jillian and Jason meet one another in their matching flannies to spend some time up in a helicopter for yet another aerodate. Although it is another aerodate, I have to say that Jill got the best one. New Zealand > Los Angeles > Las Vegas.
The copter lands on a ledge to take in a big view. “There was no else there for miles and miles,” Jason tells us. “No one for miles and miles and miles other than the copter crew, the cameramen, the various production assistants throwing down the sheep skin blanket and wine. It was awesome.”
“I’m so happy to be here with you,” says Jason.
“Me too. Thanks, Babe,” says Jill. Babe?? Maybe it’s just my own book of lovey-dovey names, but Babe is a very intense lovey-dovey name. It means you’re pretty intimate, comfortable and in love. Maybe that’s just me. I’ll stop now.
Jillian: If you had to describe me to people back home, what would you say?
Jason: You’re fun!
Jillian: Oh, okay.
Jason: Well, what about me?
Jillian: Definitely what you are to me is the person who I’m the most attracted to ever, the person who I have an amazing connection with, have great conversations with, and someone who gets me right away.
Jason: Cool!
Jillian tells us that she has never felt this way before and that she sees Jason as someone who could be both her best friend and her husband. It’s safe to say she’s falling in love with him.
Jillian tells us that she wants to marry her best friend, and gives her grandparents as an example of this kind of love. As the ABC crew sends the tipsy couple to the edge of the cliff to play Jack and Rose, Jason tells us that he used to feel the same way as Jillian about wanting a best friend for a spouse, but now he wants more than that. “Is it too much to ask for the world?” Jason asks us. I vomit in my mouth.
That night, Jason and Jill meet at a winery. Jason wants to make sure there’s a romantic connection with Jill before he invites her to the overnight Fantasy part of the night. Naturally, Jason grills Jillian to find out her favorite parts of the day and what it is she likes about being here. Jillian passes with flying colors, concluding her sonata On Being a Bachelorette with, “I’m crazy about you. I am. And I’ve never, in my entire life, felt like someone is more meant for me than you are.” Bam! That’s enough for Jason to go in for the kiss and the sound guy to go for the synthesizer love music.
I particularly enjoyed that Jillian asked for the Fantasy Suite card. “Do you think you can handle a whole night with me?” Jillian flirts. Wow. Girl is really turning up the heat. Finally, we’re getting our time alone says Jason.
Here things get weird. Jillian’s wearing these black furry boots with her incredibly cute blue bikini. Then, after they dip into the hot tub, Jill tells Jasons, “I never ever ever imaged that I’d be falling in love with someone like you. I think you’re the most remarkable person I’ve ever met.” Then, sound guy brings in some weird bass synth, followed by the Spanish soft core music, followed by hot, blurry shots of candles and skin. The rest really cannot be written out here because it just isn’t right to sully this blog.
Date with Molly
Molly gets stuck with a rainy day for a date, but girl doesn’t let that get in the way of some tongue time right away. As the walk away, we are privy to a nice shot of our friendly ABC crew, umbrella in tow over the equipment. I begin to ponder just how many people have to work on this show to make it happen and whether Chris Harrison will acknowledge this blip in his blog tomorrow…
Back to the date. Jason and Molly are going to go bungy jumping. Not quite an aerodate… but close. After some nerves at the top, the two jump from the bridge to the tunes of happy ABC guitar music.
After drying off and changing clothes, they grab some lunch and Molly pulls out her list of questions entitled, “Things You Might Normally Learn About a Person While Dating Them But Because This is The Bachelor and We’re Always Making Out Instead of Talking, I Wrote Out These Questions With a Marker on the Plane Ride so I’m Sure I Know You Like Hamburgers.”
We learn that Jason loves Greece (already knew that one), his Air Jordans (who doesn’t?) and that he doesn’t like breakfast.
At dinner that night, Jason asks more awkward questions. There’s some talking over one another and idle chitchat of how great New Zealand is. After that, this conversation was hard to follow for me. Molly tells Jason that she has a wall up and that her family doesn’t always say that they love one another but that she would like to kiss Jason all day every day, which was nothing new to me. Finally, Molly spits out, “I really think I’m falling in love with you.”
Just like Jillian, Molly asks Jason to spend the night with her first. Jason must be starting to feel a little bit like the girls are stealing his thunder.
Of course, sleeping together is nothing new for Jason and Molly. This time they get a big soaking bubble bath instead of the hot tub. Not as cool due to the bubble-beards.
Date With Melissa
Jason is still pretty PO’d he didn’t get to meet Melissa’s family. Melissa is naturally fear-stricken. After they first meet, Melissa says she doesn’t get surprises very often. “Not even from your family??” Jason asks surprised. “No,” Melissa offers awkwardly. Then they do that adorable look-at-each-other-at-different-times and laugh uncomfortably thing.
Jason, not sure if Mel is still just that simple cheerleader he first thought her to be, asks if she knows who Winston Churchill is. Fortunately, Mel does and adds while pointing to her head, “This isn’t just a hat rack, you know!”
Turns out that this date, while not aero-themed, does take place on Churchill’s old boat which has somehow wound up here in merry old New Zealand. Perhaps Winston blew past that Iron Curtain to chillax with the crew from Lord of the Rings on his pimpin’ boat. Oh, I’m sorry. Did someone say boat?
Melissa and Jason spend their time on the boat talking about Melissa’s feelings, which are generally nervous, scared, and just generally worried.
On cue, Jason says that he wishes he could say he had no doubts about Melissa, but because he didn’t get to meet her parents, he feels he doesn’t know her.
That doesn’t stop him from going in the hot pools, which judging from their reaction, were very very hot. Fortunately, they finally get their chance to talk about Melissa’s parents. The two ponder why her parents did not want to be a part of this extraordinary, reality TV experience. Imagine that. Jason does say he can fall in love with Melissa without meeting her parents, but it can only go so far.
That evening, Melissa and Jason meet at downtown Queenstown where it looked like Melissa was freezing. At a restaurant downtown, they get their own private room. Unfortunately, the parents continue to dominate the conversation. Melissa is the first girl not to demand her Fantasy Suite before Jason can offer it.
Back at the suite, Melissa talks more about how scary this situation is. I’m starting to wonder if these two have forgotten how to talk to one another. In between “you knows” and “ums,” Melissa finally manages to sputter out, “I have absolutely fallen in love with you, head over heels,” and before she can get another few words out, Jason kisses her. Thank goodness. Jason tells us he can finally open up to her now that he knows that.
Before the Rose Ceremony
Jason can see himself with each of the three girls, but they’re each so different. At this point, he has no idea who he’s going to send home.
Chris Harrison and Jason catch up on Jason’s time in New Zealand. Jason got what he wanted out of Jillian; Jason finally got Molly to open up somewhat; and finally, Jason is still worried about not having met Melissa’s family, just in case you hadn’t surmised that yet from this entire episode.
Finally, the ladies taped some video segments to give their final pitch to Jason. First up: Jillian:
“Hey Babe--” Babe again!! “I just wanted to say thank you so much for every moment I’ve shared with you and for showing me how it is to fall in love again. I’m in awe of you and how you’ve turned a life of adversity into such a positive life. I know that we fit each other—our families, our attitudes—and if we are together, we’re share a life of laughter and home cooked meals!” (I’m going to hope that they had some sort of insider convo we didn’t hear about home cooked meals because that last bit was confusing.)
Next up, Molly:
“Haaay, Jaaay. Recognize the view? Get it? We went bungee jumping! I just wanted to thank you for an incredible date. You made it easy for me to open up with you, and I cannot wait to spend more time with you. I can tell you that I am madly in love with you so I can’t wait to see what happens next.”
Next up, Melissa:
“Hey you. I just wanted to tell you that, um, I want to thank you, um, for making it so easy to be me around you and making it so, um, easy to talk to you, and um, fall in love with you. You know I’ve been basically freaking out all week, but spending the day with you helped reaffirm everything for me. Thank you for being you (he said this once to her, remember that?). I miss you, and I love you.”
Jason offers some final thoughts. “I’m falling for three girls who could be great in Ty’s life and in my life. I don’t know how I am going to break someone’s heart today. But I’m not here for a six month relationship or a three-week relationship. This will be one of the toughest things I’ve ever had to do.”
Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever (Again)
Chris Harrison greets the ladies, thanks them for spending their time in New Zealand and gently reminds them that one of them will be on a plane heading home tonight. When Jason finally comes out, he looks a lot like he might throw up all over Chris Harrison.
“You—“ he begins, swallows and starts again. “You three are the most amazing women I’ve ever met. I’m falling for all three of you for different reasons. But tonight I have to do the most selfish thing I’ve ever done and send one of you home tonight. Thank you for sharing this with me.”
One rose goes to Melissa, who can go one more week sweating it and talking about how nervous she is.
The other rose goes to Molly, and my jaw literally hits my chest.
Poor Jillian breathes heavily and tries to smile.
“I’m sorry,” Jason says. “I don’t want you to ever doubt that I don’t have strong feelings for you because I do. I’ve never met anyone like you before. I think our lives are a little bit different. You’ve got an amazing life, and I won’t be able to keep up with you and you deserve someone you can.”
Jillian responds that her adventures were because she was single and she was looking for the right person and she thought she had found him.
Jason brings Jillian back to her talk of finding her best friend, saying that that was the path they were on—best friends.
Jillian responds that at the end of the day, or when you’re 90 years old, you’re going to want to be with your best friend.
Jason snips that it’s your best friend AND MORE.
Jillian slaps her forehead, cries “You got it, Sherlock!” and then says she thought they did have friendship and more. Then she tells him that she has fallen in love with him and shares with him a dream that she, Jason and Ty were all a family. “But at the end of the day, I’m not looking for what I did right or wrong because I was myself. And I’m looking for someone who loves me for me,” Jillian concludes. Gotta love this girl—can we say next Bachelorette? Can we just continue sending the cast-offs to the next rounds? Cause seriously.
In the limo, Jillian says that she was jaded before coming to this show, but she learned that she could love, she wore her heart on her sleeve, and this was not how she wanted it to end. “I have not had it easy my entire life, so I do not expect,” she says. “I didn’t expect anything. I thought maybe one day I’d have that fairy tale ending, but this decision that he made today broke my heart.”
Back at the winery/hotel/lodge place, Jason cries a bit, but then tells us he just wasn’t in love with Jillian. At the end of the day, Jason tells us that there are two girls he is falling in love with and he cannot wait to introduce them to Ty. “Here’s to another week in New Zealand spending time with my family!”
I'd like to take this short moment to just throw out a PSA that these two girls are 24 and 25 years old. Jason first got married in 2003, back when these two ladies were 17 or 18 years old. I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around these ladies being ready for stepmom-hood, but whatevs.
And next week, it’s the reunion show you won’t want to miss, Chris Harrison tells us. And in TWO weeks, it’s the most dramatic season finale ever with awkward moments with Ty, some rolling around in beds, some more shots of Jason’s abs, DeAnna’s return, some really ugly crying on balconies, and apparently something so dramatic that only Chris Harrison could be involved. All I have to say is that whatever it is, it better redeem this season, ABC!
Monday, February 16, 2009
The Bachelor: Jason Goes to New Zealand and Gets on a Boat
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
The Bachelor: Jason: The hometown episode!
It must be said in the over-inflated rehashing of The Bachelor, the sound mixer has really, truly improved. That Schindler's List-esque violin during recollections of Stephanie's goodbye really could pull some heartstrings.
Welcome to British Columbia, Canada! Jason is glad he finally got to see Jillian’s soft side but he still isn’t convinced that she’s here for him. Seriously? Who does Jason think he's kidding? Jillian woos Jason with stories of her close encounters with Canada’s own lochness monster, Ogo Pogo.
The two then share a trip to a winery, which Jason tells us is beautiful but NOT AS BEAUTIFUL AS JILL. Awwwwwww!!!!
Jillian, having gotten the monster part of the visit out of the way, opens up about why she feels the need to be strong and her family’s issues with her mother’s depression. Jason naturally responds with some concerned nods and then jumps on his opportunity for a makeout session.
When it’s time to meet the family, the whole clan is hanging oot in the living room with their Canadian flag. “Ooh, weelcoomme, Jaaasonnn!” The whole fam gets a good giggle oot of Jillian’s silly hot dog routine. Everybody joins hands and sings O Canada in roond.
Peggy gives a toast to her daughter Jillian, which starts a little rough, but the moment where she said that diamonds are made under pressure kind of caught my throat a bit, I won’t lie.
Peggy pulls the dreaded mother-in-law routine, pulling Jason ootside to ask him her toilet paper full list of questions.
Ma Canada: What are your responsibilities in a marriage?
Jason: To be a partner, Ma Canada. Duuuh. And mustard!
Ma Canada: How do you handle conflict?
Jason: I’m a listener.
Ma Canada: That’s good to hear. You have a BA in psychology, right?
Jason: Uhh, yeah!
(Awkward laughter.)
Jillian and Tori, who has been moonlighting as hot young teacher on Gossip Girl (xoxo!), gossip about Jason while he’s out with Ma Canada. Jill gets teary-eyed telling her cousin how much Jason has come to mean to her.
A little bit later, Ma Canada pulls Jillian close to her bosom and Jill again becomes overwhelmed with emotion describing her feelings for him.
Glen and Jason spend some dude time together in a creepy utility closet. Glen, revealing where Jillian gets her happy-crying, tears up as he tells us just how much Jillian means to him. I grab the Kleenex and pull it closer.
Surprise! Granny arrives. Gramma Marjorie says Jason is a gorgeous specimen of man, and thankfully she no longer has to sell Jillian for beaver pelt to a Ukranian man in the northland. Granny also brings the funnies with a pair of Joe Boxer Canadian flag boxers. I am thoroughly impressed.
When it’s time to leave, Jason asks us how he could possibly ever leave Jill and her family in his future?
Country Clubs, Floppy Hats and Art, Oh My! in Grand Rapids, Michigan
Remember when Jason and Molly first met and they bonded over golfing? Well, fortunately, Molly’s super-selective family has an exclusive membership to the neighborhood country club. They spend more time on their kissy picnic than chopping away at the course with their nine irons.
Once Jason and Molly finally pull up to Molly’s fam’s house, it’s clear that the family lives right there on the green with a nice view of the ninth hole from the living room window. After settling down and first introductions, Maryann pulls out some major hats to test Jason’s funny bone. Saddled with the Indian headdress, Jason is tested yet again as Maryann decides to play psychiatrist, asking Jason to draw Molly’s face at his most favorite memory with her. When it’s finally time to leave, Jason says that he won’t get to see her for a while and he’s got a decision to make.
Doves Cry in Lake Elsinore, CA
Jason is ready to spend some time with his cowgirl ladyfriend, Naomi. I can’t help but wonder how this girl is still around. Naomi, in an attempt to prove me wrong, tells Jason just how ready for a life with him she is.
Every family is different, Naomi tells us, and mine is probably as different as it gets.
Oh yeah? Something more different than art time and floppy hats?
Joanne and Hector, Naomi’s parents who are separated, plus a bajillion kids who I could not keep straight are there to meet Naomi and Jason. Naturally, Joanne greets them with hula hoops. Here, things really go awry. As Joanne relays the story of hitting a dove with her car, one of the many children brings the be-paper-bagged carnage outside for a burial. Hector, eyes rolling in the background, thanks his lucky stars that he got out of this world when he did. Jason forces a smile through the whole thing.
Yes, congratulations, Naomi. Joanne has definitely taken the crazy award from Art Time Maryann.
After digging a shallow grave for Rosie the Dove, Hector and Jason get their dude time in the living room/family casino. Hector explains that he has risen above his divorce with religion, explains that Naomi has been raised with Jesus as her main man, and asks Jason to take a short test about marriage and the Bible. I am squirming in my seat.
No sooner does Hector have Jason reciting Corinthians before Joanne comes along to steal Jason away. I just begin to crawl out from under the couch in relief when Joanne starts talking about truth seekers and the color indigo. Jason cannot even hide his confusion in his face.
Meanwhile, Hector checks in for some dad-daughter time with Naomi to confirm her spiritual standing. Naomi wishes she and Jason had talked about religion before now. Though they may have had a moment to share these deep thoughts as Jason left, they opted for an intense tongue twisting instead. While they swapped spit, someone inside the house (I imagine one of the dozens of children) opened the door and definitely sneaked a peek.
The Disappearing Family in Dallas, TX
In Texas, Mel’s terrible, horrible, no-good, very-bad parents wanted absolutely nothing to do with ABC and no amount of coaxing from Chris Harrison could convince them otherwise. Instead, Mel had to sheepishly present her terribly good-looking, happily-married young couple friends (with kids, to boot!) to Jason as a consolation.
But no worries. This meet-up with friends followed all the same requirements of any hometown date:
Mel cried when discussing her feelings for Jason.
Children ran around happily.
Dude-time included some stereotypical dude-like element—in this case, pool.
And, last but not least, serious make-out time between Mel and Jason.
Back in Seattle, Jason has a lot to think about so Chris comes over to help work it all out.
Chris: So Jason, a lot happened this week.
Jason: Yeah, but I didn’t like how I couldn’t slam my tongue down the throat of each girl one after the other or say all their nicknames in a row. Jill-Mol-Nay-Mel. Jilmonamel. I was thinking of naming my second born that.
Chris: That’s good. How was your time with Jill?
Jason: Canada ROCKS. Grandma was AWESOME. And I freaking love the Canadian flag. But I’m just not totally convinced that Jill’s a match for me. (pause) Did you get that? OK, good. Cause we all know I’m actually totally in love with her.
Chris: We got it, thanks. How about Mol?
Jason: Oh, Molly and her country club membership-toting, hat-wearing, art-psychologist parents are just fantastic. They really showed me who Molly is—she’s a country club membership-toting, hat-wearing, art-psychologist. Did I mention that when I first got married to my ex-wife in 1998, Mol was totin’ braces in eighth grade? WEIRD, huh, Chris?
Chris: Uh, yeah, actually. That is kind of weird. What about Eva Mendes?
Jason: Um, well. Her family… was something… um… I didn’t… expect. They are… unique. And religious. And neo-spiritual. And unique.
Chris: Let’s just leave it at that. What about the Melster?
Jason: Well, I didn’t meet her terrible, awful, no-good parents since apparently not everyone is willing to open up their lives to ABC like me, am I right Chris? But I did meet her friends. So that’s cool.
Chris: Are you ready to let a lady go this evening?
Jason: Well, yeah. I hope I can still swap some spit before I ditch her, but basically I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.
After Chris leaves, Jason does some more deep thinking on the bow of the houseboat.
Rose Ceremony
This rose ceremony, ABC finally did it right at the hotel. No more of that presidential suite crap—we’re talking full-on banquet haaaaallll! Holla!
Jason: Hey laaaadies. I had such a great time this week. Mel, your friends are totally good-looking. Jill, you are SO your family, dude! Nay, your family is pretty nutso, but it’s okay. And Mol, your family is unbelievable, and by unbelieveable I mean they’re country club membership-toting, hat-wearing art psychologists. Anyway, you all mean the world to me, but here goes.
Roses go to:
Molly, who thanks her lucky stars that Mom didn’t scare Jason away.
Jillian, who Jason must continue to pretend he’s unsure of.
Melissa, whose non-existant family is apparently better than Naomi's eccentric one, the poor thing.
As they say goodbye, Jason let's his explanation loose: "It’s not that I don’t think you’re wonderful, and it’s not that your family is kinda out there. I just think that we’re in different places right now."
Naomi: Well, I am. I was hoping to hear you say that you felt more strongly for the other women, not that I am not ready because that’s just not the case.
Awwww, snap!
As she drives away, in more sweeping overhead shots of the exiting limo, Naomi tells us that she was ready to move to Seattle and settle down and that she didn’t want to have her heart broken again.
Jason bounces back for the champagne toast to the next week—here’s to New Zealand!! Now, finally! We know the reason behind the drastic scale-back in funding here. That’s it, ABC. There better be some really good audio mixing next week!
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Live-Blogging The Bachelor: Jason, episode 5
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Live-Blogging The Bachelor: Jason, episode 3
So let's just move onto this week's episode, sponsored by McDonald's, where happier times await.
Chris "I always dress for nighttime, even when I show up at your house in the morning" Harrison shows up, dressed for nighttime at the girls' house.
"Surprise! says Chris. "You have to write and perform an original song dedicated to their man with abs of steel."
Naturally, Nikki furrows her brow and tries to remember how exactly one modulates from a E-minor to an E-major and subsequently breaks down as she chants I HATE SINGING, I HATE SINGING!; Molly considers throwing her tongue back down his throat as a distraction; Stephanie begins to take this task (like so many others) way too seriously; Shannon pulls out her reporter's notebook for inspiration as she looks over what she's gleaned so far from her ten days in the house, every single episode of The Bachelorette and the background check she ran on Jason and his extended family before she arrived in beautiful Los Angeles to meet him in person!; Lauren snaps her gum and says, I've got this.
I just have to add at this point that with Naomi/Eva Mendes, Nikki/Sandra Bullock in Two Weeks Notice, and Molly/Cameron Diaz in this show, I really feel like this is that He's Just Not that Into You Movie and it somehow just accidentally wound up on ABC. Note: He's Not That Into You also a commercial sponsor of this episode, coming to theatres February 6.
When it's time to perform, Molly jumps up, slams her tongue down Jason's throat and mentions fast food in order to gain favors with McDonald's, meanwhile Shannon awkwardly nudges Jason about how she included a shoutout to Ty's godparents in her rap. After some girls dance and sing on the bar, Lauren takes the mic and announces: "My song is SO different from all of yours. I actually wrote a FULL OUT SONG." Who is this girl??
"Lying here all alone
Wondering if I should go home
But when I see your face
It falls in place
And I know...."
Nikki passes out briefly before singing her song.
When it comes time to choose a winner, Jason announces: "Well, Nikki, I liked your effort, and Lauren your song was probably the best but you're kind of a biotch, so at the urging of McDonald's marketing team, I've chosen Molly for her inclusion of the words "fast food" in her song."
Lauren is naturally quite unhappy with this outcome. "Um, I'm not sure if Jason read the rules of this contest before he chose Molly, because Rule #3a clearly stated that Lauren's song is the best and therefore she wins, so I'm not sure where the confusion came from but I'm sure that some ABC producer will smooth out this problem for me, right guys?"
1-on-1 Date with Molly: Let's Stay Home and Just Bone in the Tent--I Mean, Let's Just Hang Out and Stuff
In the nature of the stay-in, relaxed date, Jason drives himself over to the girls' place. The girls drink wine and eat McDonald's as they agonize over what exactly will happen at the bachelor pad this evening.
Oh, wait. Surprise! The lucky couple will be eating McDonald's too, so clearly the ladies shouldn't have too much to worry about. Making out after McDonald's onions is never a good bet. Another detriment due to fast food is the sweaty cheeks that Molly gets from eating burgers.
Fortunately, Molly hoses down and Jason offers her some fresh man-clothes to clean her up. They hang out outside and Molly gives some speech about what she wants her husband to be, and I totally tune out. So does Jason. I can tell because he's just staring at his mouth in this carnal, I'm-not-listening way that creeps me out. Jason offers her the rose and thus begins the camp-out time. We're offered all sorts of sounds caught on the mic that I would rather not hear. Seriously, ABC, you're upping the ante in all sorts of scandy ways. Meanwhile, sadly, back at the house, Shannon frets and stays up waiting for Molly's return.
COMMERCIAL: MCDONALD'S. JUST IN CASE YOU MISSED IT. MCDONALD'S IS INVOLVED IN SPONSORING THIS EPISODE, FOLKS.
Early the next morning, Molly and Jason drive back to the house. Molly happily announces that she's the first bachelorette in history to have a walk of shame. The other ladies seethe.
Group Date "Wanna Play Doctor?" and Wrap Party with the Sadz with Jillian, Lauren, Shannon, Megan, Melissa and Naomi
Later that afternoon, Jason returns to pick up six ladies for the date. As they pull up to a strange looking set, Naomi --the only American left who still watches General Hospital--happily informs the girls that this is the set of her favorite daytime soap playing on ABC every day at 3 pm! Hooray! What?
The ladies and Jason wander through the sets and, oh my gosh!, they happen upon a scene that is being FILMED. Jason informs us that this scene stars Bradford Anderson and Kirsten Storms. Again, what?
And um, surprise, ladies! You'll be starring in your own scene on General Hospital! See, this isn't so bad, right? Molly may still be in her happy morning-after haze this afternoon laying about the mansion, but you lucky ladies get to get caked in stage makeup and wear wigs and get ethnically stereotyped (maid, anyone?) and perform scenes with your hunky bachelor! Exciiiiiittttting. Uh, third time, what?
Shannon, holding knife in interview shot and waving it in front of face: "I have a crush on Jason, and I won't stop at anything to get him." Okay, seriously. The crazy pills, lay off of them.
Kirsten Storms: Okay, we need someone to do a kissing example!
Shannon: ME! I WILL! GET OUT OF MY WAY! I'M HOLDING A KNIFE! (goes in for kill)
Kirsten: Wait! No tongue!
Shannon, after kissing Jason: Weeeee!!!!!!!!! NOW we're CONNECTED FOREVERRRRR!
COMMERIAL: GENERAL HOSPITAL, JUST IN CASE YOU FORGOT THAT IT'S A SHOW ON ABC AND TOTALLY GETTING PROMOTED ON THE ABC SHOW YOU ARE CURRENTLY WATCHING
The whole crew stars "filming" their "scenes." Little Miss I Sing So Perfectly Lauren managed to let Naomi kiss Jason over and over in the three hundred takes it took her to get her lines right. The other girls writhed in pain off-set, and I begin to suspect that Lauren is a finely-placed ABC mole.
Next up was Jillian in a hilarious wig that I would love to wear someday. Their proposal scene ended in another hot kiss. Shannon shoots daggers at Jillian. Probably because she loves that wig as much as I do.
Megan chews off Jason's face in her scene. The other ladies get very angry. The director yells cut several times. I am relatively certain Jason lost part of his cheek. I'd like to take this opportunity to say that it's shocking this girl is 25.
Because starring in dramas during the day is not enough, the ladies go to a "wrap party," where emotions run high and the ladies get very upset.
First up, Naomi, who Jason takes aside to find out how she's doing. Naomi, with tears in her eyes, tells Jason that she is scared. Jason tells Naomi he wants her here with him, but I'm not so sure I believe him.
Meanwhile, Melissa also worries. Megan tells the girls to "man up." I'm enjoying this girl's edge. Megan clearly wanted to get kissed but Jason denies her. I mean, it's pretty obvious what this girl wants, and he straight up ignores her.
Lauren grabs Jason by his man-parts, tells him to ditch the other girls, and draws curtains about them to keep the other ladies out. Not one to pussy-foot around, Lauren jumps right in: Why did you keep Megan?! You LIKE her?
Jason: Yeah, I do.
Lauren: No! Yes! No! Whatever you think! Anyway, you need to give me the rose tonight.
Jason: So, you're entitled?
Lauren: Well, yes. I am. I deserve that rose. I am trying to keep you from some bad girls out there and I wrote this one song that was so great for you. Incidentally, has the producer spoken to you about how I was supposed to have won that competition? Because I was. Because my song was awesome. So yeah, you can make it up to me by giving me that rose tonight.
Jason leaves Lauren talking to herself and goes to pick up Melissa and make sure she doesn't cry in front of the other girls.
Melissa: I've fallen for you.
Jason: I like that. Now shut up and kiss me.
(kissing, kissing, kissing)
Shannon, from stage right: Heeeey guyyyyyyysssss.... So Jason, um... I'd like to talk to you at some poiiiiint, okaaaaay???
Shannon starts off normally enough, expressing how she has felt like she shut off herself from him. But then, unfortunately, she devolves into the crazy talk again. It's really just too much for me. I hide under my laptop. I tuned back in at the point where she said she was picking her nose. Big mistake, because at this point, Shannon went in for the kiss, Jason rejected her kiss and told her she had napkin on her face. This is really too painful. Really. Jason, man, did you REALLY have to add insult to the wound with the napkin comment? This girl is fragile, dude.
Thankfully, the punishment is over when Jason finally gives the rose to Naomi, with a "Thanks for being you," which is sweet if not just a bit weak. Lauren says that she's surprised that somehow there was another mistake in the paperwork. Megan curses again, gosh bless her.
2-on-1 Date with Stephanie and Nikki: Let's Dance the Night Away, right into that limo that's waiting for one of you!
Jason leaves dresses for both the girls. Actually, let's really be honest here. Jason definitely did not leave dresses for the girls. Ten bucks says Jason didn't even know those dresses weren't the girls' own. At any rate, it seems that one of the dresses was not to either of the girls' likings, however, as the greyish dress disappeared and was replaced by a black and charcoal stunner worn by Nikki. While the production assistant runs off to get this new black number, Nikki agonizes over one lock of her hair before she grabs a razor and just shaves it off since she cannot DEAL with unruly hair! Each girl sizes up the other: Nikki thinks that "this is totally up Stephanie's alley," which I don't understand. Stephanie meanwhile thinks that Nikki is just Jason's style, and that concerns her!
The threesome gets started with a ride in the Bentley. Jason worries that Nikki doesn't get outside the box and that there's no romantic connection with Stephanie. For a fun evening that will definitely calm everyone's nerves and make the whole situation sooo much more natural, ABC has hired a ballroom dance instructor. (NOT anyone from Dancing With the Stars, it's worth mentioning. When Carrie Ann Inaba is willing to dish out the dollars, she'll get her shoutout!) Nikki frets about how bad she'll be at dancing, and she is indeed pretty bad but not for lack of trying. Stephanie worries from the wings with her high-browed tight look of concern that borders somewhere between caring mother and evil step-sister. Stephanie is a dancer, so she's fine. Nikki glowers and begins to tear up.
Jason gives us the rundown on these two ladies. Stephanie, on one hand, has a kid, which is a winning trait because what better connection to bring two lovers together, right? And she also has the body of an eighteen-year-old cheerleader, so that's good too. Nikki definitely has a connection with Jason, but her earrings are the size of small birds, so that's kind of distracting. As each lady makes her argument for why she's ready for Jason, the sound of bubbling water from some distant fountain behind Stephanie greatly distracts me and I file yet another complaint with the new audio guy.
Nikki and Jason get some one-on-one time where she finally opens up about her 11-year relationship. Jason seems taken with the NEW Sandra Bullock. This is the Sandra Bullock who starred in Miss Congeniality and really came into her own as a true active comic actress.
Stephanie and Jason spend some one-on-one time where Stephanie speaks in lofty terms yet again, talking circles around Jason. My stomach turns over with the awkwardness.
When it's rose time, Jason gives his obligatory speech: "Stephanie, everyone who crosses your path is lucky to meet you. Nikki, you're as sweet as can be and everyone adores you. But I only have one rose tonight, and it's for Stephanie." Stephanie looks genuinely pained to see Nikki sent home. Nikki and Jason share a tough goodbye, and Nikki says that she's in so much shock she doesn't know how to react. Naturally, she blames her loss on lacking something when in fact her worrying about lacking was what made the missed connection in the first place. Meanwhile, Stephanie and Jason attempt to salvage what remains of their date with a super-awks waltz. With the music raging and the two of them twirling while Nikki holds back tears in her limo, I feel like I'm watching a Russian novel instead of a light-hearted primetime reality show.
Cocktail Party
The ladies, still in their somber mood, talk about how hard this process is. Molly's side ponytail is about as sloppy and dramatic as this episode.
Jillian, who doesn't yet have a rose, gets some alone time finally with Jason and makes an effort not to slip through the cracks. The hens back in the house peck over Jillian and Jason. Megan thinks they're not made for one another, but Stephanie and her blush think that they have some kind of connection.
Melissa and Jason bond too, mainly with Jason dumping her over the couch and gnawing on her lips.
Megan gets some alone time too, which is relieving to her since she feels she does not get any time to connect with him, which I think is true. They reminisce about the time they lost some inner cheek to one another on the set of General Hospital, and then Jason shares with her his newly-acquired waltz skills. This is weird to me--kind of like sharing leftover food from his and Molly's camp out date with the other girls.
Jason knocks out two crazy birds with one stone by sitting between Shannon and Lauren. While Shannon is totally good-natured, Lauren promises Jason a slap across the face. Then the two exchange some weird words and she screams and giggles and then they end up kissing this weird kiss and Lauren off-stage says "We're gonna get married!" I'm so lost.
Rose Ceremony
Chris reminds us all that it's been an emotional week, just in case they (and we) forgot, and two ladies will be going home tonight. Safe for now with their date roses are Molly, Naomi and Stephanie.
Jason recites his weekly pledge of love to the ladies, and then begins naming names:
Melissa (named first just so she'll calm down in the future)
Jillian
And the final rose... a dramatic pause... and... "I'm sorry. I can't do this. I can't give out this final rose. Megan, you are amazing. You give and your view on the world is unbelievable. And Lauren, you're more honest and real than anyone I've ever met. And Shannon, you're just a beautiful person. But I can't lead anybody on, and I just don't see forever, so I can't give out the final rose tonight." (Cue cutaway shot of Molly smiling and nodding.)
Lauren says she respects Jason's decision as she says goodbye, but then complains to us that Jason still didn't play by the rules. There was ANOTHER ROSE left. Doesn't he understand?
Shannon reminds us that she watched every single episode of The Bachelorette at least six times and was Jason's number one fan, but that she didn't get with him. It's okay though because she's gonna go home and French kiss her puppies. What?
Megan says she was really surprised (me too!!) and that she's very hurt. She even says that it's pathetic how much she doesn't want to go home. I'm going to miss this girl's biting honesty.
"Here's to the five most wonderful girls I've ever met," says Jason. "Here's to another wonderful week!"
Oh, hooray! No soap operas next week, thankfully! Instead, Jason takes the ladies to Seattle, Naomi and Jason take to the sky in the third airborne date this season, Mel may or may not have a date, and the ladies get taken through yet another most-dramatic-rose-ceremony-ever. My DVR and I cannot wait!
Friday, February 8, 2008
I can haz fashun line?
I don't mean to blog something straight of the AP Newswire all over again, but this is awfully important.
Project Runway's Bryant Park show was today, and the AP newswire has this story which gives away more things like how Bravo likes to slut itself as much as possible with MMASM's Tyson and Nikki in the front row of PR's runway. With femmebot Victoria Beckham sitting pretty as the finale's special judge, God help us for what horrible judgment is passed upon our final three designers.
Not that we know who they are. All five remaining designers showed--Rami, Jillian, Christian, Chris, and Sweet P--to keep the secrets of the final episodes hush-hush. Of course, Jezebel's model-blogger already gave away some clues. (Jezebel also has images of designs. Hooray!)
Regardless of the final outcome, I bless Heidi, Bravo, and whoever else had their hand in bringing us Chris March this season. Without his return, this season might have been lost in the sea of salty, Confederate soldier-hatted tears that Rickey shed over the last few months.
Speaking of which...
'Lizalde, who is probably best known for his frequent crying, said he felt good about how he was portrayed.''I wasn't a jerk. It was a little tough watching myself cry every week, but once I got over that and realized I wear my heart on my sleeve, I was OK with it,'' he said.'