The Bachelor: Jason, episode 2

Let's be honest about Jason. He's kinda like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. (That's right, NOT a hot dog with mustard topping!) Just sort of there, a bit plain, maybe he got a little smushed in the plastic baggie on the ride to school. You know what I mean.

But ABC has made a real effort to pull on our heartstrings (remember evil, evil DeAnna?!) and pull at our lady-indulgences (gratuitous bicep curls and six-pack shots) just to remind us how worthy Jason and The Bachelor are of our viewing time and advertising dollars! Hooray, America! Here we go!


Opening
More Ty shots. Remember how important it was that Ty spend this experience with his dad? Forget all of that. Ty needs to go home so that Dad has the place to hims--I mean, Ty needs to go home and spend some quality time with his mom! Right, kids?

The girls move in. Lots of screaming. (Please, ladies, see point #3a.)
Chris Harrison: So ladies, what do you think of the house??
Ladies: (indistinct nasal-y yet positive waaaaaah sounds)
Chris Harrison: Think it's gonna work out for ya?
Ladies: (Weeee!!!!)

(Here there was a terrible, terrible audio cut again. SERIOUSLY, ABC. WHAT IS THE DEAL?! You NEED to work out these audio issues. If you can fix them in the rest of the episodes, do it. Start now.)

Bad news bears! The ladies won't necessarily get to go on a date every week with Jason!

But it's okay, cause here comes Jason in a tight athletic outfit!

SWIM PARTY!!!!
"Weeeeee!!!!!!!!"

"Um, some of us weren't wearing makeup!" says Kari from Kansas with the cotton candy hairstyle on the top of her head. "We were all REALLY shocked."

Jason does the gentlemanly thing (most likely at some production assistant's prompting) and tells Megan that he actually wants her around, even if the only reason she got a rose is cause the kitties hate her so much.

Insert: Another scene completely centered around Jason's naked torso.

Jillian continues to ride out the hot dog wave as long as she can.

Crazy, crazy Shannon in her sequiny swimsuit corners Jason, reminds him how much she already knows about him, and says she is ABSOLUTELY ready for marriage and kids. How could she be so sure? Because all her girl friends are totally preggers! BFFs get preggers together, ladies. Even if that means you have to go on The Bachelor to find your husband and get started.

Shannon throws ice cubes. Natalie who said she’s from Chicago is now from “the smallest town ever.” WHAT’S THE TRUTH, LADY? The awkwardness was palapable when Stephanie attempted to break in between “little Midwestern girl” from “the smallest town ever” and yet also “from Chicago” Natalie.

The special rose for a romantic date goes to hot dog Jillian. Yawn. Shticks should never get you this far.

Poor little Midwestern Natalie got very upset, but Brazilian Raquel is there to comfort her, which is just so very sweet.

Lauren waxes a la Pam Beasley about how she is SO glad she didn’t get chosen because she would NOT have been ready! She would have had to wear her hair in a PONYTAIL, for gosh sakes!

Date with Jillian
Jillian was, like, so above being at Disney Hall (thanks, Disney/ABC!) because she already, like, knows about architecture, thank you very much.

And so begins our ‘thank youuuuu!’s as the bachelorettes gush over the dates that Jason, or the ABC production assistants or whatever, set up.

But that’s not all, Jillian! A private performance inside the hall! The conductor taps his baton, the strings raise their bows, and CUT TO DISCO MUSIC! This singer who I’ve never heard of before brings the funk and the couple dances the night away before kissing!!

Naturally, Jillian kisses and tells. Melissa pouts about what this special Disney disco night and kiss means for the prospects of her own date with Jason.

Date with Melissa
Melissa joins Jason at a seagull poo-strewn beach.

After taking in the wafts of dung and seaweed, the couple takes oyster shots together.

Then some blimp shows up and tells them to kiss, so they do.

Thankfully, the blimp landed and we have another one of those classic Bachelor dates where the couple cannot hear one another so they have to wear the big clunky headsets. In a stroke of comedic genius, Jason has to give the rose to Melissa while they wear the headset and then they chew each other’s faces off.

It’s at this point that I realize that in addition to our Eva Mendes (Naomi) and Sandra Bullock (Nikki), we also have a really tan Mandy Moore (Melissa)!


Natalie, Erica, Naomi, Nikki, Lauren, Kari, Sharon and Molly Glam Date
The ladies get to go on a shopping spree. Thanks, Jaso—ABC!!!

They go to a hotel that is “so L.A.,” which must mean there’s a lot of traffic and smog in the lobby.

Thankfully, the whole gang puts together a show for the town! More abs shots! Synchronized swimming! Molly’s tongue tricks with kissing!

The “Chicago” girls Natalie and Nikki get out the Windy City claws and take out their frustration on Molly on one another. OMG THEY’RE KISSING! OMG CAN YOU DROP IT! BUT THEY’RE KISSING! DROP IT! KISSING! DROP! (This is generally how most disputes are handled in Chicago, in case anyone from outside the city was wondering. OMG YOU TRIED TO MAKE PEOPLE PAY FOR A SENATE SEAT! OMG CAN YOU DROP IT! BUT THAT’S ILLEGAL! DROP IT! ILLEGAL!)

Also, we discover that 29-year-old Nikki has only kissed one guy since she was 17—her ex-boyfriend of 11 years. You do the math.

Molly gets the big date rose. Again, shticks win.

Raquel sneaks away and jumps in the car to let Jason know just how much she cares. Umm… shticks?


Cocktail Party
Jason enters. (“waahhhyaaaaaahhhhh!!!”)

Erica and Jason one-on-one time: You’re noticed, Erica. Yes, you’re definitely noticed.

Lauren and Jason one-on-one time: Jason tells Lauren that he can sense she’s not comfortable.

Sandra Bullock and Mandy Moore get to know one another, bonding on the couch about what it REALLY means to move to Seattle. Sandra and Mandy toast over it.

Crazy Shannon demands Jason remember her name, then cites the dates and names of people who are important in Jason’s life, then says how CUTE Jason is over and over again! I hide under my couch in fear.

Stephanie shares with the other women her story about losing her husband. The women and the rest of America cry.

As another serious moment, Lisa decides to leave to spend time with her grandmother. Lauren and Shannon celebrate.

Side ponytail Megan gets cut out from one-on-one time by Molly. Megan commiserates with the other ladies about the pain Molly inflicted on her. Erica, who seemingly always has a drink in her hand and is slouching over with her breasts hanging out of her dress, double talks and stabs some people in the back, Megan bites the bait, some ladies cry, and thankfully, life goes on.


Rose Ceremony
Because Lisa left the show, Jason only has to choose two girls to send home, which in my opinion is really too bad. There are at least three girls who I can think of who remain who could really head home.

Staying:
Melissa
Molly
Jillian

Megan (called first so she stops crying already)
Nikki
Lauren
Naomi
Stephanie
Kari
Natalie
Shannon (Oh lordy, seriously? The whole stalker thing isn’t a shtick. It’s SCARY.)
Erica (She seriously put his hand on her out-in-the-wide-open chest. That did happen.)

Sent home:
-Sharon, who gave up her job for this adventure.
-Raquel, who was wearing the most beautiful dress, was apparently punished for getting into the car. I am not sure how I feel about hot dog girl, I'm-a-good-kisser girl and stalker girl getting to stay but not Raquel...

Next week, Stephanie makes me cry some more, Erica and Megan fight some more, and Natalie from Chicago-kind-of goes to Las Vegas with Jason. Ironically enough, I TOO will be in Las Vegas next week, so I will be late in my update. I will be thinking of Natalie and Jason, however, when I hit the slot machines. Actually, I'm going for work and there will be no slot machines involved, but I'll think of them as I wander a convention floor strewn with building products.