Live Blogging: The Bachelorette, Episode 1

We all remember way back when (like, October), when America's collective heart broke--when Brad Womack left DeAnna Marie Pappas at the rose alter. With the whips of the ABC higher-ups cracking on their backs, the producers at The Bachelor and Chris "I promise I'll never hurt you again, baby" Harrison made right in the world. First, they brought us Matt "I'm chuffed to be here" Grant. Then, they gave Matt the hottest haircut on this side of the pond.

Finally, to really set things straight, they brought back America's straight-shooting brunette sweetheart: DeAnna "DeAnna Bo BeAnna Banana Fanna Fo FeAnna Fee Fi Mo MeAnna DeAnna!" Pappas.

ABC opens with a recollection of DeAnna's moments with Brad. Instead of watching that, here's a better recap from a fan on YouTube with just a little bit more editorializing:










That was then. And this is now! DeAnna's ready for love!

"Brad broke my friends' hearts, he broke my family's hearts, he broke America's hearts," DeAnna tells Chris. DeAnna! You know me, don't you? He broke MY heart!

DeAnna can't wait to have guys falling for her. And just for the record, she's not too young at 26 for marriage. "I believe in this show," says D. "I did fall in love. This time around, I know that in the end I'll be standing there smiling with someone who's going to spend their life with me. A fairy tale ending."

"Hi, I'm Chris "Bringin' Back the Love" Harrison, and men across America wanted to give DeAnna all that she deserved." Apparently these men emailed ABC and told the producers to give them a shot at love with Tila Teq--I mean, DeAnna Pappas.

Potential Bachelor Montage: Creepily all the men are in the same hotel rooms as they get ready for the cocktail party.

Before the guys arrive, Chris and DeAnna have a little heart-to-heart. It's moments like these that I wish Chris and I could have our own heart-to-heart. He really boosts a girl's confidence.

CHRIS: Welcome back, DeAnna! Last time, there was a lot of heartache, wasn't there? You remember how we've already talked about how much Brad sucks like a bajillion times, right? And he sucks.
DEANNA: Yes, Chris. He does suck. But I know that this process works.
CHRIS: You're sincere!
DEANNA: Oh yes, I am! Everything happens for a reason!
CHRIS: Let me compliment you a little bit differently. You're a real family girl aren't you? What does this mean to your family?
DEANNA: They're so supportive, they love me, and they're so happy!
CHRIS: Fantastic! But let's talk about the hard times again. That was tough for them too, right?
DEANNA: Oh, yes, Chris. It was really hard on them.
CHRIS: Were they reluctant?
DEANNA: My brother and daddy were looking out for me, but they're the men in my life, so who can blame them AND I've got 25 men waiting to date me, so who cares?
CHRIS: What do you want from these men tonight?
DEANNA: First impressions are important to me, and I want a guy that makes me nervous. (Little does she know how many of these guys are so nervous they're falling over themselves while sitting in the limo.)
CHRIS: What kind of guy are you looking for?
DEANNA: Someone who is caring, respects me, can make me laugh, not a wallflower.
CHRIS: Someone who knows what they want? *nudge nudge*
DEANNA: Yes! *wink*
CHRIS: How will this turn out?
DEANNA: I believe this is my fairy tale ending!

Now, time to meet the men.

Brian from Texas, HS Football Coach, 31, Fort Worth, TX : Brian tells DeAnna that this moment is why he's doing the show!

Paul, Sales Manager, Alberta, Canada, 23 : Short and sweet, twirls DeAnna and I hold my breath waiting for her to trip over that long gold ball gown

Graham, Professional basketball player (really?), Raleigh, NC, 29 : Scruffy, awkward, nervous.

Sean, Martial Arts instructor, Crestwood, KY, 33 : Rocking a floppy 'do, flies through introductions. Awks again.

Richard, Science teacher, Sauquiot, NY, 27 : "You're a vision!" The self-professed science nerd is by far the least awkward man of the night. Ouch.

Jason, Account executive, Kirkland, WA, 31: Heartfelt story about his son makes us love him and/or feel obligated to love him. Greets DeAnna with some Greek saying, but isn't Greek. He just travels there.

Spero, Actor, Santa Monica, CA, 38 : Glasses, big smile. Spero will later provide the play-by-plays of the evening. (ex: DeAnna's over there! That guy did this! We're going over here! Touchdown!)

Jesse, Pro snowboarder, 30 Breckinridge, CO : Jesse rolled in paint before arriving at the Bachelor set.

Jon, Resort manager Surfside Beach, SC, 31: Has already told us how much he loves his blond-tipped hair. That's really all we need to know.

Chris, Medical Sales, Dallas, TX, 29: Big and Tall Shop.

Interior shot of the cocktail party:
"I've never been so nervous before!"
"No, I've never been more nervous!"
"My heart rate is out of control!"
"Mine was faster!"
"No mine!"

Brian from Indiana, Computer Network Consultant, New Castle, IN, 29: Also twirls DeAnna, unfortunately, this has already been done.

Jeffrey, Math teacher, Orlando, FL, 27: Cute, not awkward, told us that his mom was glad Brad turned down DeAnna because now he gets to meet her.

Donato, Sales Rep, Charleston, SC, 26: DeAnna spins him before he gets a chance to spin her.

Ryan, Professional football player, Lakeville, MN, 28: Former Minnesota Viking tells us that he is a virgin, doesn't swear, and is extremely faithful. He tells DeAnna: 1. I'm always smiling and laughing. 2. I'm strong in my faith.

Twilley, Debt manager, Tulsa, OK, 33: Twiggy is so nervous he tells DeAnna: You're really sparkly! and then attempts to shake her hand.

Limo break:
Things are so awkward at this point that even Chris is laughing! "You've already met 15 boys," says Chris. "Men!" cries DeAnna. Let's say the ratio was something like 2 boys to every 1 man.

Ron, Barber, Kansas City MO, 36: Ron's been through a divorce and believes love finds us. He also forgets his coat in the car.

Patrick, Financial analyst, Glenwood, IL, 26: One word: FLOPPY. Still kind of cute.

Luke the Oyster Farmer, Folly Beach, SC, 27: Has repeatedly told us: "I'm just an oyster farmer."

Eric, Senior analyst, Boston, 31: Originally from Greece (bonus points!), speaks Greek to her.

Robert, Chef, San Francisco, 28: DeAnna spins him and he tries salsa dancing with her. He is bright red.

Ahh. It's all so uncomfortable that my stomach is churning.

Chandler Insurance Rep, Spotsylvania, VA, 25: Poses like a statue on his way out of the car. Really? Toooool bag.

Greg, Personal trainer, NYC, 28: Tells DeAnna she looks like he's been working out. Um, fantastic.

Fred, Lawyer, Chicago, 30: Ummm, Daaaa Beeeeears!!!!

Patrick, Internet Marketer, Elmhurst, IL, 27: Who?

Jeremy, Real estate agent, Dallas, TX, 30: Hello, Keanu Reeves.


Now, onto the cocktail party!

Chris: This night is going to let you forget all about Brad!
DeAnna: Who?!
America giggles together at their inside joke. Brad hides under a bar counter somewhere.

Tonight, there are 3 first impression roses instead of one.

The very first impression rose goes to Keanu "Jeremy" Reeves.

Jason grabs DeAnna for one-on-one time. They bond over traveling. They both like to travel! They also both like sunshine, music, and not having their skin burned with lasers.

Ryan of Christian/Viking Football Fame grabs DeAnna and brings her outside. As Spero, our referee for the evening, notes, Ryan "blows it" by not giving her his jacket and hogs the blanket. Spero throws in an assist by bringing his jacket to her.

Ron tells DeAnna that he's still a little nervous and that his ex-wife brought him to Kansas City, which I don't fully understand. She's in Kansas City, and that's why he went there? Or she was somewhere else, and he went to Kansas City to get away from her? Or are there kids? I don't know.

Chris gets real and admits he cheated once before in his life. DeAnna appreciates this honesty.

Top Chef Robert decides to cook for her and then asks blond-tipped Jon to get out of his way.

"I'm just an oyster farmer," says the Oyster Farmer again. "I am so intimidated by these other men." It turns out that Mr. I'm Just an Oyster Farmer also surfs and teaches. He also gives her a pearl necklace.

Top Chef makes crab dip with garlic. Bad, bad idea, Top Chef. Garlic on a first date? No way.

"He gave her crabs!" yells Donato.

Chris comes in just to remind us of our mortality, but introduces Jenni to the crowd. Jenni and DeAnna are apparently close friends now, and she's here to help her dear friend DeAnna.

Jenni conducts grueling interviews that involve heartfelt honesty, confessions and dancing.

Science nerd Richard takes DeAnna aside, gives her a fake diamond. DeAnna says she's impressed by him.

Jenni's inquisition continues. Donato asks Jenni to sit on his lap. As my roommate notes, Miami Vice asks for their shirt back.

Eric and DeAnna bond over their Greek ancestry. (As a girlfriend of a Greek man, I can attest to how long this conversation can last.)

Jesse wants DeAnna to remember him for more than just his different-colored jacket--but if the jacket doesn't hurt, then that's fine too. Jesse says he wants to avoid the bloggers about DeAnna and find out. Ouch, Jesse. Where's the love, dude?

Like a good Laurel and Hardy scene, martial arts Sean and snowboarder Jesse perform some physical comedy as Sean kicks a lemon off Jesse's head. Ha cha cha!

Jenni and DeAnna gossip while DeAnna asks for her favorite picks. Jenni would choose Grant, Jesse, and Jason as her three first impression roses.

DeAnna gives Jesse a second first impression rose to Jesse, not because of his jacket or dealing with almost getting kicked in the head, but for his personality.

Twiggy is totally crazy, jumping around and yelling at the camera.
"Some of these guys are acting like idiots," says Personal Trainer Greg. "And Greg doesn't need to do this!" Note: Speaking in third person > Acting like an idiot

Chandler performs a duck call for DeAnna. Brian from Indiana interrupts. Subsequently, a fight breaks out between Chandler and Brian--a dirty fight that involves ducks, an ab-buster and lots of broken egos.

Paul from Canada says he's reppin his home country. O, Canada!

Paul asks if jumping in the pool will get him the final first impression rose.
"If you get in that pool tonight--" says DeAnna.
"I'll get a rose?" says Paul.
"--you'll catch pneumonia," says DeAnna.

Paul jumps in anyway, strips down on his way out, revealing that he has "DEANNA" written on the back of his Speedo.

Graham pulls DeAnna aside and she says he's easy to look at. Graham is a professional basketball player, an investment banker (?), an investor of bars (?), but he's actually in the process of founding a charity. Huh?

Last first impression rose goes to Richard. Richard says he was picked on in high school, wins America's hearts.

Chris Harrison sits down for some girl chat with DeAnna. "Let's talk about these guys!" Quick recap: Ryan was nervous, says DeAnna. Jason was easy to talk to; Eric is hopefully more than just Greek; Luke is sweet; Ron was serious and was divorced; Chandler with his duck call and Brian with his abs did not turn her on. Sean got Deanna's attention by almost knocking out another guy. Paul had my name on his booty! says DeAnna.

Chris "Playing with the Big Boys" Harrison introduces the men to their first rose ceremony.

Roses:

* Jeremy
* Richard
* Jesse
* Ron
* Graham
* Eric
* Robert
* Sean
* Ryan
* Chris
* Paul
* Fred
* Twiggy
* Jason
* Brian (TX)


Luke tells us he's just a country boy. He'll go home.
Chandler doesn't think he got to show his true self. He had like, a WHOLE song to play on that duck caller.
Greg will not compromise. Maybe he wasn't attractive enough, maybe he was too rebellious, BUT he will rise from the ashes. He then howls like a coyote. Fantastic.

Looking forward to this season, beaches! baseball! bathing suits! Ellen! drama! Christian dude swearing after he said he didn't swear! Carriages! Fairy tale endings!

I, for one, cannot wait.